Every line from The Office season 9, episode 18, in script order. First aired April 4, 2013.
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Kevin
Uh oh. She's doing it again.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57680
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Pam
Phyllis has gotten into audio books and lately she's been listening to 50 Shades of Grey. Which, if you don't know what it is, it's a book about um...
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57681
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Clark
It's porn.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57682
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Pam
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57683
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Dwight
Seriously. Ugh. Ok, this is unacceptable. It's officially a hostile work environment.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57684
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Phyllis
Why?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57685
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Darryl
Somebody just needs to get her attention, tell her it's not OK to do this in public.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57686
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Pam
Be careful. I pulled my mom's dog off a pillow once, and I got bit.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57687
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Meredith
Just ignore her. Sooner or later she'll finish.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57688
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Group
Ugh. Ew.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57689
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Andy
What?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57690
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Dwight
Phyllis is masturbating. In the office right now as we speak.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57691
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Angela
Can we skip the color commentary and just have Andy go out there and fire her?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57692
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Toby
He- he can't do that. Turns out she's allowed to have feelings of sexual arousal. It doesn't become a violation until she physically acts on it.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57693
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Group
No!
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57694
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Oscar
Toby, how do you propose that we-
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57695
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Andy
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Why is Phyllis so aroused?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57696
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Pam
She's listening to 50 Shades of Grey.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57697
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Andy
Well there you go. That's muy caliente.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57698
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Dwight
OK, you are useless. I'll take care of this.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57699
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Phyllis
What the hell?!
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57700
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Dwight
It's OK guys, she's no longer horny.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57701
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Andy
Excuse me, dirty birdie
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57702
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Phyllis
Wait, what?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57703
-
Andy
You can have this back at the end of the day. Oh!!
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57704
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Dwight
Clark, I need your advice. I'm having some lady troubles.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57705
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Clark
What's her name?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57706
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Dwight
Esther Ruger.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57707
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Clark
Sweet.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57708
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Dwight
Lives on the neighboring farm. 85 acres.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57709
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Clark
Oh yeah. Keep talkin'.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57710
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Dwight
Well, we've been out three times, there has been physicality but the thing is we were hanging out with her father the other night looking at a farm catalog, next thing I know he wants to lease a tractor with me.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57711
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Clark
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57712
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Dwight
What do you think?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57713
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Clark
The same thing that you think.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57714
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Dwight
A long term tractor lease is going to put pressure on a relationship.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57715
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Clark
God, one of my buddies is going through the same thing right now. Something in the air.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57716
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Angela
Here you go. And good for you Dwight, I'm so glad you found someone. I bet she's got kind eyes.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57717
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Angela
Dwight is dating a brussel sprout farmer named Esther. She's coming here this afternoon with her father. Who knows? Maybe she'll be pulling the horse cart!
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57718
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Pam
Cici has been calling me 'Pamela'. Like four times this week.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57719
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Jim
Oh man.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57720
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Pam
I wonder if she'll start calling you 'Jim'.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57721
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Jim
Oh boy, please don't. Let's not let that happen.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57722
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Pam
Um.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57723
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Jim
What was I gonna- What was I gonna say?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57724
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Pam
You're- You know your assistant told me that you have a big pitch meeting today. With Ryan Howard. How did that happen?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57725
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Jim
Not that Ryan Howard. Um, the Phillies' first baseman.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57726
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Pam
Oh, oh OK.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57727
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Jim
Yeah, yeah. Exactly.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57728
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Pam
Um, Ok. Well?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57729
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Jim
Yeah. So, uh, I'll uh, talk to you later?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57730
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Pam
Yeah, sounds good. Ok.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57731
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Jim
Ok great.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57732
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Pam
Ok.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57733
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Jim
Bye.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57734
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Pam
Bye.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57735
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Kevin
What's going on? Oh, did Gangnam Style put out a new song?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57736
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Oscar
There's a promo for the new documentary on the web.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57737
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Phyllis
Play it again.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57738
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Promo Voice
The boss. The workers. The lives. The loves. The people. The paper. The Office: An American Workplace. Coming soon on WVIA.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57739
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Kevin
Whoa. You go to the bathroom for 45 minutes and everything changes.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57740
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Kevin
This is a documentary? Oh, I always thought we were like specimens in a human zoo.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57741
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Kevin
Did you see this?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57742
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Angela
Your screen is all black. You just unplugged your computer.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57743
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Clark
Oh my god, is that you and Jim?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57744
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Pam
Uh huh.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57745
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Clark
Jeez, you fell in love with that hair? Really? Yikes. That is awful.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57746
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Pam
It wasn't so bad.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57747
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Andy
Guys, are you reading the online comments? Somebody commented on my banjo playing. 'Banjo at 0:19 is aight' Internet, calm down! I must be really connected with this guy. I mean that's the guy's name, right? ChobbleGobbler?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57748
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Jim
Hey man, how you doin'? Jim Halpert.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57749
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Ryan Howard
Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57750
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Darryl
Hey, man. Darryl.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57751
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Ryan Howard
Hey there, Ryan. Nice to meet you. Eat Fresh. Eat Fresh.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57752
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Jim
Let's go to the conference room.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57753
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Dwight
Esther's on her way up. I wonder if she wants a snack. Let's see, I know she likes apples and carrots.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57754
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Angela
I bet she does. I bet she'll eat them right out of your hand with those big strong teeth.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57755
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Dwight
Did I tell you about her teeth?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57756
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Erin
Hey Dwight, you have some guests. I think they're from the forest where we harvest our paper.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57757
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Angela
Yes.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57758
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Dwight
Ah, the Ruger family. Welcome.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57759
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Mr. Ruger
Fine office you have here. Sturdy walls.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57760
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Dwight
Yes. Esther, you look radiant as always.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57761
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Esther
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57762
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Angela
I guess men find Esther attractive. I mean if there are chubby chasers, then there are men that like that....thing.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57763
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Pam
Weird to see how we used to look in those promos. Some of us have changed so much.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57764
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Stanley
We've all changed.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57765
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Jim
With our firm, you'll be building equity for long after they've retired your number.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57766
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Darryl
And we all know, baseball does not last forever.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57767
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Ryan Howard
I look at these actors on TV and I think: 'C'mon, I can do that.'
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57768
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Jim
Right?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57769
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Ryan Howard
Watch this: Eat Fresh. Now what does that make you think of?
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57770
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Darryl
Subway sandwiches.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57771
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Jim
Yep.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57772
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Ryan Howard
How? I didn't say Subway sandwiches. It's called playing the subtext.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57773
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Jim
Wow.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57774
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Ryan Howard
I actually wrote a screenplay, it's called 'The Big Piece'
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57775
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Jim
Based on his nickname. Like it already. Let me guess, it's autobiographical.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57776
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Ryan Howard
Half biopic and half superhero movie. A mild mannered professional baseball player, Ryan Howard-
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57777
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Jim
OK
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57778
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Ryan Howard
-hits a home run into outer space. Ball comes back with space dust on it, which transforms him into: The Big Piece.
Season 9 · Episode 18 · Line 57779