Every quote from The Office season 9, episode 17, in script order. First aired March 14, 2013.
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Dwight
Hold it!
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57461
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Creed
New glasses.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57462
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Erin
Dwight. What a ridiculous, fancy clown you are.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57463
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Dwight
I am dressed according to the Schrute codes of mourning. My aunt Shirley has died.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57464
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Pam
Oh, Dwight. I'm so sorry. Were you guys close?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57465
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Dwight
I would say that she raised me, but let's not kid each other. I raised myself. She was, however, the closest thing I had to a mother.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57466
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Dwight
My actual mother was very cold and distant. I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57467
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Jim
My condolences.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57468
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Dwight
Keep them.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57469
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Jim
OK. Now, what do we got in these two pails?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57470
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Dwight
In keeping with Schrute custom, I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red, fertile dirt in your face. Or, I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief, with a dusting of black, slightly acidic soil.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57471
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Erin
What color is it?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57472
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Phyllis
It looks pretty black.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57473
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Kevin
Yep. Acidic, all right.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57474
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Oscar
Oh, thank god.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57475
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Dwight
Excuse me?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57476
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Oscar
I'm so sorry, Dwight. And if you want me to be there, of course I will go. I just... have a personal training session...
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57477
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Dwight
OK. That's not...
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57478
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Oscar
I get red dirt. Nobody is getting red dirt. I should've kept my mouth shut. We're not even that close. I've only known Dwight... 12 years. 12 years. Time is a son of a bitch.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57479
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Jim
I'm sure... I'm sure she's in a better place.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57480
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Dwight
I really hope so.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57481
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Jim
OK. This is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57482
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Dwight
I miss her so much.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57483
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Jim
OK.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57484
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Dwight
You know?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57485
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Mose
Zeke's here.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57486
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Dwight
Zeke.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57487
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Zeke
Hey, Dwight. Mose, Mom says 'hi'.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57488
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Mose
Hi' to Mom.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57489
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Dwight
Are you going?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57490
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Mose
Will there be ghosts there?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57491
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Dwight
Get in the sidecar. Get in the sidecar.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57492
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Zeke
You get in the sidecar.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57493
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Dwight
Get...
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57494
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Dwight
What are you doing here?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57495
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Oscar
You invited me. You threw the red dirt in my face.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57496
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Dwight
Oh, yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57497
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Oscar
Who is that?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57498
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Dwight
Jeb, my brother.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57499
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Oscar
You have a brother?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57500
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Dwight
Uh-huh.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57501
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Jeb
I didn't really see a better parking spot. Whoa! Look what I did. It's a rental. You wanna go in?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57502
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Erin
Oh, gosh.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57503
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Todd Packer
Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57504
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Clark
Who's this guy?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57505
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Pam
' bad.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57506
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Todd Packer
Hi, all.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57507
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Phyllis
Why are you here, Todd?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57508
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Todd Packer
OK. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57509
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Kevin
Packer, we accept.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57510
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Todd Packer
Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, this kid in a few years.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57511
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Pam
Todd, you're just saying insults in the form of an apology.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57512
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Todd Packer
Why can't I just be nice? Truth is, I really like you guys. I really do. OK. The apology's just half of it. The big thing is making amends. And, that's why I brought these. I went out to the Steamtown Mall and I got you all cupcakes. From that place 'Nipples'.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57513
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Pam
I think it's called 'Nibbles'.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57514
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Todd Packer
Huh. The mind sees what it wants to, huh? There you go.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57515
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Pam
Hey, hey, guys. Wait. Before we accept these cupcakes, I think we need to have a conversation privately in the conference room. Don't eat the cupcake.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57516
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German Minister
We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57517
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Jeb
Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57518
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Dwight
Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57519
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Jeb
Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57520
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Dwight
Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57521
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Jeb
It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57522
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Dwight
Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57523
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Jeb
Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57524
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German Minister
Would the family care to say something?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57525
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Dwight
You had black hair and then gray hair.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57526
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Zeke
You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4', at the end you were 5'1'.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57527
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Oscar
They're a descriptive people.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57528
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Fannie
I see you started without me.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57529
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Dwight
You were late. So, what am I supposed to do?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57530
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Fannie
Well, I told you...
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57531
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Jeb
Hi, Fannie.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57532
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Fannie
Hey.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57533
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Oscar
Who is that?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57534
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Zeke
Dwight's sister.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57535
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Oscar
Dwight has a sister?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57536
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Zeke
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57537
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Oscar
She's beautiful.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57538
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Zeke
Blugh.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57539
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Dwight
Hello, little man. Haven't seen you in a few years. What is this? Oh, god. Henry.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57540
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Henry
Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57541
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Dwight
I see Esther's back in town.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57542
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Esther
Hi Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57543
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Dwight
Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57544
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Esther
This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57545
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Dwight
Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57546
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Fannie
We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57547
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Dwight
OK.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57548
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Henry
Anyone mention her height?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57549
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Zeke
Yep.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57550
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Henry
Land size? Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. OK.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57551
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Dwight
So, let's get it going.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57552
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German Minister
Would you want to do the honors?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57553
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Fannie
Oh, right. Uh, you know, I don't think we have to do this.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57554
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Dwight
We Schrutes don't need some Harvard doctor to tell us who's alive and who's dead. But, there was an unlucky streak of burying some heavy sleepers. And, when grave robbers discovered some scratch marks on the inside of some of the coffins, we decided to make sure that our dead were completely dead. Out of kindness.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57555
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Oscar
That's it for me.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57556
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Pam
I don't think we should eat Packers' cupcakes. We can't give him the satisfaction.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57557
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Phyllis
I agree. Even though that place has a way of making those cupcakes so they're dense. But, they're also really fluffy.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57558
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Pam
We can't let him buy our forgiveness with cupcakes. He was awful to us. And, he still is. How much is a cupcake? $2.50? Is that the price of our dignity?
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57559
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Creed
$3.75 a cupcake, actually. $3.67 if you buy a dozen.
Season 9 · Episode 17 · Quote 57560