Creed

I never forget a number. Names? In one ear and out the other. Places? Nope. Faces? That's rich. But, numbers? I have a gift. I guess that's why I'm an accountant.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57561

Clark

Hey, man. I don't think we've met. I'm Clark.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57562

Todd Packer

Oh. I'm Todd. Oh, sorry for calling you a fat, little runt earlier.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57563

Clark

You didn't actually say that.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57564

Todd Packer

No? Wow. I'm in this mode now where I'm apologizing for thoughts that are in my head. Hey. I have a crazy feeling that you are really gonna like this.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57565

Stanley

Maybe we should eat the cupcakes. Haven't we done enough to Packer? I mean, we sent him down to Florida on a prank. And you did fire him.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57566

Nellie

I did. I did, yes. And it was purely political. He did nothing wrong.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57567

Pam

Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57568

Angela

Do they even have a bakery anymore?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57569

Kevin

They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57570

Pam

So, it really is just about the cupcakes.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57571

Andy

Wow, you're right. It is just about the cupcakes.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57572

Phyllis

So, we're all agreed? No one touches those cupcakes?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57573

Meredith

OK.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57574

Phyllis

OK. Packer can go to hell.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57575

Aunt Shirley

Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57576

Dwight

Thank you.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57577

Aunt Shirley

Jeb. A street pusher.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57578

Jeb

After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out 'worm' means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57579

Dwight

I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwhich.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57580

Aunt Shirley

We can't just sit by and watch our family farm disappear. So, here are my terms. Dwight, Fannie, Jeb. If you come back home, I will leave you my farm. So, there, you have it.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57581

Fannie

Is she crazy? Dwight?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57582

Jeb

Buddy? Buddy?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57583

Fannie

No, no, no.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57584

Jeb

Snap out of it. Dwight?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57585

Dwight

Let's do this. Let's run Aunt Shirley's farm. I'm in. Boom.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57586

Fannie

No, no, no. I'm not moving back here. Are you crazy?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57587

Dwight

Of course you are.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57588

Fannie

Look. I, I don't want to be mean or like insulting. I know that you like it here. But, Dwight, it's just that farm life lacks a certain... sort of sophistication.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57589

Dwight

Oh my god.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57590

Fannie

That Cammy and I are drawn to. And, I don't know. The men are just... it's almost like there's a... a willing ignorance.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57591

Fannie

Yes. I, thank you for asking me. I actually have written a little bit of poetry. That's crazy. And, I was recently published. Which is just... maybe I have. Yep. I do. Here it is from the um, Hartford Women's Lit Quarterly.com. A Willing Ignorance by Fannie Schrute.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57592

Jeb

Totally. Yep. The people here are like Like a fart. You know what I'm saying? Like a fart?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57593

Dwight

You know what? Let's take a couple of nights and stay here and think about Aunt Shirley's offer.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57594

Jeb

Couple of nights couldn't hurt.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57595

Fannie

Uh, somehow how I think a couple of nights could hurt.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57596

Dwight

You will say 'yes' on one. Five, four, three, two, get ready to say 'yes', one. Yes.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57597

Zeke

Absolutely.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57598

Zeke

Growing up with Dwight and Mose was not easy. Uh, Dwight was obviously the cool one. And, Mose was the visionary. Which left me to be the comedian.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57599

Fannie

That doesn't work on me.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57600

Dwight

OK.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57601

Fannie

By the way, that's not...

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57602

Dwight

[counts down in French]

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57603

Fannie

Very funny. OK. Oui, oui, oui.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57604

Dwight

Oui.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57605

Fannie

Oh my goodness.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57606

Dwight

People underestimate the power of nostalgia. If baseball can use it to get people to care about that worthless sport, then I can use it to get my siblings to care about the farm. Nostalgia is truly one of the great human weaknesses. Second only to the neck.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57607

Fannie

So, I forgot about this old custom. If a man is interested in courting a woman, he may throw the beaks of a crow at her. And then, if she's interested in accepting the courtship, she has to destroy the beaks.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57608

Todd Packer

Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57609

Meredith

I'm not sorry about it.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57610

Todd Packer

I am. It was my rock bottom.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57611

Angela

Kevin, you can do this.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57612

Kevin

You don't know that.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57613

Pam

Kevin, um, let's think of something to distract us. Uh, like the movie Skyfall. You loved the movie Skyfall, right?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57614

Angela

Uh-huh.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57615

Kevin

James Bond was a spy.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57616

Pam

Yes. He was a good spy.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57617

Kevin

Yeah. He was the best. James Bond would love this cupcake.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57618

Todd Packer

Hey, you know what? It was, uh, great to see you all again. Take care.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57619

Todd Packer

I am going through a twelve-step program. I'm currently on step zero. Which is have a of fun. I spent six hours carefully removing the frosting and then layering in a variety of drugs, some legal, some not. Some laxative, some constipating. You don't fire the Pac-Man and expect to get away with it.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57620

Pam

Guys, I'm proud of us. I think we did the right thing. Hey!

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57621

Angela

What, Pam?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57622

Pam

Wait!

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57623

Angela

He's gone. It's just a cupcake now.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57624

Pam

No, no. It's the principle of the thing.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57625

Andy

Oh my god. I forgive him so much. Whoa, is he choking?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57626

Angela

Kevin?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57627

Kevin

Oh, that was fantastic.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57628

Cameron

Is it dangerous to take the eggs in front of them?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57629

Dwight

Yes, very. You really need to stand back because these are killer chickens.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57630

Cameron

I was just asking you something I didn't know.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57631

Dwight

Which is fine. And, you learned something. But, it was kind of a stupid question so you're gonna get made fun of a little bit.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57632

Cameron

Are we gonna eat these today?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57633

Dwight

If you want.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57634

Cameron

Is that a guillotine?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57635

Dwight

This? No. That'd be cool, though. It's for milking.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57636

Cameron

That's a cow?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57637

Dwight

Did you just ask me if this was a cow?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57638

Cameron

What are you doing now?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57639

Dwight

Come here. Come on. Grab a teat with each hand. Sit down. There you go. Squeeze from top to bottom. Really pull. Use some muscle. Draw the milk out. All right. Going all right?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57640

Cameron

I don't know.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57641

Dwight

Well, is the udder hot? Is the milk clumpy?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57642

Cameron

I don't know any of that.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57643

Dwight

OK, you suck at this. Give me those teats. Didn't your father teach you anything?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57644

Cameron

I never met him.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57645

Pam

Good morning, Erin.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57646

Erin

Hey.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57647

Pam

Hey, everybody. Um, I decided to eat my cupcake. I thought about it last night. I talked to Jim. I talked to my sister. And, I think that, as long as Todd Packer doesn't know, it's OK.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57648

Phyllis

I don't care what you do, Pam. Just please stop making noise.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57649

Pam

Phyllis!

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57650

Clark

Packer laced the cupcakes.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57651

Pam

No!

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57652

Meredith

Did you get diarrhea or were you stoned?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57653

Angela

Some of us got both.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57654

Pam

Oh my god! Is everyone OK?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57655

Phyllis

Last night, I got out all of my old dolls and played with them on the living room floor. Then, I ordered ten American Girl outfits online. It was thousands of dollars.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57656

Nellie

Yeah? Well, count yourself lucky, Phyllis. I got the toilet.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57657

Stanley

Me too.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57658

Clark

I went Christmas caroling in March and I fertilized some bushes along the way. So, not my best night. But, not my worst night.

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57659

Phyllis

What did you do, Andy?

Season 9 · Episode 17 · Line 57660

"The Farm" Quotes (page 2)