Every line from The Office season 9, episode 13, in script order. First aired January 31, 2013.
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Clark
You know what, Dwight?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56261
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Dwight
And anoth'
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56262
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Clark
This interview's over, and I get the job. I just Kobayashi Maru'd the whole process.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56263
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Dwight
No.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56264
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Clark
Yeah. Star Trek rules.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56265
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Dwight
It does, but still no.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56266
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Clark
Come on, man. I mean, did Trevor do that? Did Rolf do that?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56267
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Dwight
Oh, you think they're my only friends? I've got way more friends than that, and they're all better than the losers who work here.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56268
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Stanley
This is not natural.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56269
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Oscar
Just ' I don't wanna make assumptions based on people's physical appearances.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56270
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Pam
Well, of course not, but does physical appearance include smell?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56271
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Darryl
They smell so bad.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56272
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Meredith
If I ever get that bad, you'd tell me, right?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56273
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Kevin
Meredith, I tell you all the time.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56274
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Meredith
Walked right into that one.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56275
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Dwight
Next up, my cousin Mose. Mose could make a great paper salesman. He's got a natural fear of paper, which would motivate him to get as much of it out of this office as possible. I've got big expectations, Mose-wise.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56276
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Dwight
What quality would make you a good sales associate?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56277
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Mose
People person.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56278
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Dwight
It says here on your resume that you spent the last 15 years as a sales rep for Dow Chemical.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56279
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Mose
That's right.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56280
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Dwight
You know we live together, right?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56281
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Mose
Yes.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56282
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Dwight
And I've never seen you go to work, ever.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56283
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Mose
Okay.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56284
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Dwight
So why is this on your resume?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56285
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Clark
So how'd you guys hear about the position?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56286
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Gabor
My'my mom.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56287
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Nate
Dwight called my house, but he didn't realize that I had already moved out, because my mom and I are quarrelling because I- I can't stay out of her stuff.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56288
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Zeke
Dwight's my cousin, so I overheard him telling my brother Mose about the job opportunity in the shower.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56289
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Clark
You were in the shower or he was in the shower?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56290
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Zeke
Everyone was in the shower. It's a cow shower, so there's like, a ton of people in there.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56291
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Clark
So you guys all know Dwight already?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56292
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Melvina
I was his babysitter, and then we dated for a while. He was a passionate lover and the sweetest little baby.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56293
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Gabor
I knew you looked familiar. You used to pick up Dwight from school.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56294
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Melvina
You went to X-Men school too?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56295
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Clark
X-Men school?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56296
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Dwight
When I was young, I spent several years at a private school where I was told I would be taught to harness my mutant abilities. Turned out it was a conman copying Charles Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters from the X-Men comic books. Took me years to figure out that it was a con. Some people never figured it out.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56297
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Gabor
Oh, I have a few powers. Night hearing. Dogs understand where I point. And our training included picking carrots, scrubbing tubs, sewing imitation Levi's. A lot of telemarketing.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56298
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Angela
I don't want to sit near any of those people for the next 20 years. Someone say something.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56299
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Stanley
I said something when they were thinking of hiring Jim. Didn't work then. And now look what he's doing to us.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56300
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Nellie
Yeah, Jim, this is all your fault.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56301
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Jim
How is it my fault?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56302
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Nellie
Here's an exercise for you, Jim. Imagine there are consequences to your actions. Imagine the whole world does not revolve around this. There are others.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56303
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Jim
But it's Dwight who's bring in all the weirdos.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56304
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Oscar
Yeah, but Jim, Dwight's a weirdo. We can't blame a weirdo for bringing in weirdos. We can blame a normal for creating a situation where a weirdo was allowed to bring in weirdos.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56305
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Pam
Hey, I'm the one who has to sit next to this weirdo when Jim's away. I'm in a position where I'm rooting for Nate, and that just feels wrong. Forget it. I need to work on my mural. I have some pointy trees that I need to round off.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56306
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David Wallace
Hey Jim, I thought our call was for later.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56307
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Jim
Yeah, this is actually about the new sales guy. Uh, Dwight has brought in a bunch of real weirdos. And I was wondering if I could have some input'
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56308
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Dwight
This is Dwight Schrute. Who am I speaking to? And don't lie. I can tell if you're lying.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56309
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David Wallace
Hey, Dwight. It's David.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56310
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Dwight
David.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56311
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David Wallace
Jim says he'd like some say in the hiring process.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56312
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Dwight
Really? That's interesting. 'Cause I was thinking that since Jim is only here part time, he might not be as invested in the decision-making process as someone like me who's here every day. And frankly, killing it lately.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56313
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Jim
I was just thinking that because this person is gonna be sitting at my desk, near my wife'
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56314
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David Wallace
Jim, another thing. Since we are gonna have to hire this junior sales associate to cover for you, I am going to have to pay you only for the days that you actually work.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56315
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Jim
Oh. Um'
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56316
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David Wallace
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56317
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Jim
Okay. I can't say that that's not fair.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56318
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Dwight
Sounds fair to me, David.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56319
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David Wallace
And I know we have a call scheduled for later '
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56320
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Jim
Oh, yeah, so we'll just do that later.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56321
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Dwight
No. Why not do it now?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56322
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David Wallace
Yeah. What's up Jim?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56323
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Jim
Uh' Well, it's about Athlead. I'm sorry. Does Dwight have to be on this part of the phone call?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56324
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Dwight
I'd love to be in the loop, David.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56325
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David Wallace
It's okay. Go ahead, Jim.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56326
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Jim
There's a very exciting opportunity to be a core investor '
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56327
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David Wallace
Okay. Jim, I'm gonna have to stop you right there.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56328
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Jim
Yes, okay. Bye.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56329
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Dwight
I'd love to invest.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56330
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Jim
No, thanks.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56331
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Dwight
I'd like to give you $100 million.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56332
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Hide
Why you make trees into bushes? You don't make paper from bushes.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56333
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Pam
Hide, they're giving out jobs upstairs. Why don't you go up and get one?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56334
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Hide
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56335
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Pam
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56336
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Troy
Whoops.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56337
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Zeke
It's dense. Like bread.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56338
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Jim
Dwight, you can't just hire someone 'cause they're your friend.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56339
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Dwight
I'm not. These people are the best of the best. I find talent an attractive quality in a friend.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56340
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Nellie
They're freaks, Dwight. All your friends are weirdos and freaks.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56341
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Dwight
You know who else was a freak? Spider-man. And he was also a hero.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56342
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Darryl
Your friends are like Spider-man, if he had gotten bitten by a spider and then got really into masturbating.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56343
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Wolf
Man, how cool is it gonna be when I start working here? Paintball fights at lunch.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56344
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Dwight
Mandatory paintball. Uh, wolf, please report to the parking lot for mandatory paintball at lunch.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56345
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Dwight
Wolf is hilarious. He has executed me over 100 times at point-blank range. Half of 'em, we were on the same team. Oh my God. How I screamed. Ah, that goof.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56346
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Dwight
Sell me this piece of paper. Watch this.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56347
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Wolf
Do you want this paper?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56348
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Dwight
I sure do.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56349
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Wolf
It's not very good.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56350
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Dwight
I will pay you whatever it takes.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56351
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Wolf
I think I wanna keep it now. It must be pretty special if you want it so bad.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56352
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Dwight
No, you have lots of other pieces of paper that are just like it. So here, just take my money.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56353
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Wolf
Stop trying to get my paper buddy. Okay read my lips. It's over.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56354
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Dwight
Okay. Good. That was great. So. Wow. You're still at the 570 number?
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56355
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Wolf
I am.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56356
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Dwight
Okay. Good, good, good.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56357
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Hide
I have eight years experience selling electronics in Sanyo store in downtown Tokyo. I was a doctor. And I have a business degree from Tokyo University.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56358
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Dwight
This isn't gonna work out.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56359
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Hide
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 13 · Line 56360