Every line from The Office season 9, episode 12, in script order. First aired January 24, 2013.
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Dwight
Gotta clear out these file cabinets people, a lot of these are dead accounts. 'Scranton Mimeograph Corp?' I don't think we're doing business with them any time soon. That's odd. A letter from Robert Dunder. 'A valuable artifact has come into my possession. I have hidden it until such time as a person of strong intellect may safely recover it. This golden chalice is of immeasurable historical and religious significance.' The Holy Grail.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55878
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Pam
[on phone]: Did you send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55879
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Jim
I think I'm a little too busy these days to s--- Oh ,my God. I did send Dwight on a quest for the Holy Grail.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55880
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Jim
The Dunder Code! I completely forgot about that prank. That had to be like six or seven years ago. Stayed late every night for a month. Had a lot more free time back then.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55881
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Kevin
I don't get it.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55882
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Dwight
Aha! A lightbulb.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55883
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Kevin
A lightbul--
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55884
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Dwight
A lightbulb. Okay. Okay. Invisible ink.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55885
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Kevin
Whoa.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55886
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Dwight
'Higher than numbers go.' The ceiling above accounting!
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55887
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Angela
Dwight! Down, Dwight! Dwight!
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55888
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Jim
[on phone]: Man, I wish I was there to see his face when he gets to the end ...
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55889
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Jim
...and finds the... fake grail? No grail?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55890
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Pam
You don't remember?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55891
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Jim
I don't.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55892
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Dwight
An 'X.'
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55893
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Oscar
Annex. It must open something in the annex.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55894
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Dwight
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55895
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Kevin
Whoa.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55896
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Dwight
'Sedes introiti.' Seat of entrance.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55897
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Dwight
[shouts while cutting up seat cushion - gasps upon finding playing cards]
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55898
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Pete
What?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55899
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Oscar
What?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55900
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Kevin
That's a flush.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55901
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All
[murmuring as Dwight holds up toy forklift]
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55902
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All
The warehouse.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55903
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Pam
There's nothing down here.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55904
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Jim
Oh, I expected more from young Halpert.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55905
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Dwight
Let's just forget it. Forget it.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55906
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Nellie
So, how are we getting on with our grand social media initiative?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55907
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Erin
Well, we created a fake profile for a really cool guy named Derek McBlack.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55908
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Nellie
Wow.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55909
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Erin
It's just Pete in sunglasses.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55910
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Nellie
Oh.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55911
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Erin
And then we had him 'Like' Dunder Mifflin.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55912
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Pete
Then we created a bunch of fake friends for Derek, and we had all of them 'Like' Derek's 'Likes.'
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55913
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Erin
So far, we're only popular with imaginary people, but we think this is the start of something big.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55914
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Nellie
You two are geniuses. And I am a genius putting you two together.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55915
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Erin
All right.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55916
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Erin
Pete and I work well together -- not that there's anything special about Pete. It could be any guy... or girl-- not that I'm into girls. Not that I'm into Pete. Ugh! What was the question?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55917
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Jim
Hey.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55918
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Co-worker
Hey Jim. Peter Rowley at Bridgeport Capital requested a meeting at lunch.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55919
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Jim
Okay. Can we keep it on the early side, though? I got that thing in Scranton later.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55920
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Co-worker #2
Uh sure. No problem.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55921
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Jim
Cece's ballet recital is today. I cannot wait. I've been working with her on her move. It's called the Cece Spin and Kiss. Do you want to see it? It's kind of like this. It's pretty cute, right?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55922
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Dwight
Pfft, 'Athlead'? Please. They're too lazy to call it Athletes Lead? Jim should just call it 'Stumpany,' for 'Stupid Company.'
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55923
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Darryl
Nothing stupid about working for yourself. Hanging out with pro athletes, getting free tickets to the games. That's why I'm doing it.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55924
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Dwight
You're working for 'Stumpany' too?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55925
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Darryl
Yeah, just weekends for now, but pretty soon, I'm switching over.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55926
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Dwight
What?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55927
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Darryl
Yep.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55928
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Dwight
Hey, Halpert, what's the big idea? First you jump ship. Now you're stealing Darryl too. When will it end?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55929
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Jim
Well, take your worst fear and multiply it by infinity.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55930
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Dwight
You won't stop until you've poached us all.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55931
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Jim
Yeah. Even you.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55932
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Dwight
No. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let us lose me.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55933
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Jim
Bye, Dwight.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55934
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Jim
Hi. How are ya? Good to see you.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55935
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Pam
Hey, Angela? Did you hear about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55936
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Kevin
Ooh, I haven't heard it. So, what about the Irish-American Cultural Center mural? Potato?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55937
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Pam
Oh, no, Kevin, it's not a joke. Angela's husband put me up for a-- um, just never mind.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55938
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Angela
I have no information. But I'm sure as soon as they know, they'll call you.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55939
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Pam
Senator Lipton helped me submit my design for a new mural on a building downtown. Now I'm just waiting to hear from the selection committee. But, you know, let's be realistic. There are a ton of great artists in Scranton with way more experience. I mean, who are they gonna go with -- some nobody like me or a big name like Tracy Fleeb?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55940
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Pam
Well, I'm heading out to Cece's dance recital.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55941
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Oscar
Aw.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55942
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Pam
Hey, Cece, Daddy's gonna have dinner with us tonight after he comes to your recital. Are you excited?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55943
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Cece
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55944
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Pam
Let's call him.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55945
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Jim
Hey. I was just about to call you.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55946
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Pam
Hey, Hon, are you close?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55947
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Jim
I am still in Philly, actually.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55948
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Pam
What?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55949
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Jim
It's insane. This huge investor got cold feet, so I'm stuck here trying to keep him on board.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55950
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Pam
Hon, I wish you would have told me an hour ago, when you knew you weren't gonna make it.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55951
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Jim
Pam, I couldn't get out. I barely made it out just to make this phone call.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55952
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Cece
I want Daddy.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55953
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Jim
You're gonna do great. And you know what? Mommy's gonna record it. So we'll watch it together. Do you mind doing that, Pam?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55954
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Pam
Of course.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55955
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Jim
Okay. Are you sure you know how to do video on the phone?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55956
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Pam
Yes, Jim, I think I know how to point a rectangle at something.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55957
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Jim
Okay, okay, you know, just sometimes you're not the best with the phone.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55958
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Pam
I know how to operate my phone, okay? Listen, we're getting close. We will talk to you later. Say, 'Bye, Daddy.'
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55959
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Cece
Bye, Daddy.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55960
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Jim
Bye. Yep. See, you've still got to press 'End,' Pam.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55961
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Cece
Press 'End.'
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55962
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Pete
Oh, check it out. This is our first real 'Like.'
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55963
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Erin
Oh, my gosh!
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55964
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Pete
Oh! All right, Alan Olson from North Dakota. He also likes Hammermill and Georgia Pacific.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55965
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Erin
Wow. That guy's really into paper.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55966
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Pete
Yeah.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55967
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Nellie
Well done, you two.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55968
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Erin
We did it. Youth task force forever.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55969
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Pete
Yes.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55970
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Pete
Bap, bup, bup, bap. Wait. Did I go first and then you?
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55971
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Erin
No, you go -- okay.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55972
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Pete
All right, all right.Okay, start over.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55973
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Nellie
Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh God. Andy has just started to be nice to me, I just sent his girlfriend into the arms of a younger man. 'Our social media presence should be hot, hot, hot. Go at it vigorously.' I did everything but unzip their pants for them. Oh, God, Nellie.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55974
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Dwight
Hey, everybody. Uh, coffee order is going around -- on me. Just sign your name below.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55975
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All
[murmuring]
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55976
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Dwight
You're welcome.
Season 9 · Episode 12 · Line 55977