Every quote from The Office season 8, episode 9, in script order. First aired December 1, 2011.
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Dwight
Oh, little help. Wow your hair is really thinning.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48112
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Dwight
Standing is proven to be healthier, increases productivity and just looks cooler. Picture someone doing something heroic. Now was he sitting or standing? Not counting FDR.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48113
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Dwight
Every second you sit there is an hour off your life. Look at all of you. I feel like you're in a suicide cult.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48114
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Creed
No. No. No. You're way off on that one.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48115
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Dwight
Oh yeah?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48116
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Oscar
Are you really comfortable standing there? I tried one of those and I just never hit the sweet spot.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48117
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Jim
Hey guys let's just all admit it. Ok? Dwight's better than us. He had the guts to stop sitting. And he's never, ever going to go back on it right?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48118
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Dwight
That's right Jim.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48119
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Darryl
Hey man.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48120
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Dwight
Hey.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48121
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Darryl
Taking a load off huh?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48122
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Dwight
No. Putting a load on more like it.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48123
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Darryl
Good luck with that.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48124
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Dwight
Last thing I need is luck.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48125
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Dwight
Thank you so much.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48126
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Jim
What are you up to? Oops look out!
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48127
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Dwight
What are you doing? Give that back. Come on!
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48128
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Jim
Prank!
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48129
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Dwight
Oh that's real creative.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48130
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Jim
You know what it's not my best. Because you could just easily bend over and pick it up right?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48131
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Dwight
I could, but I just don't feel like it loser.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48132
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Jim
Because you're sitting?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48133
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Dwight
Standing.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48134
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Jim
Ok.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48135
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Dwight
Don't!
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48136
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Jim
Because you're sitting?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48137
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Dwight
Standing.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48138
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Jim
You know I have to do this.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48139
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Dwight
I know.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48140
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Andy
Andrew' Baines' Bernard.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48141
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Jim
I think you could just do Andy Bernard.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48142
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Andy
Andrew Baines Bernard. I love filling these out. Because it's like taking a test, but I know the answers.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48143
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Robert
In four seconds my wife is going to be coming through that door. I told her she could work here. Under no circumstances can that be allowed to happen. There you are! Honey how on earth could you miss the elevator?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48144
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Andy
What was that?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48145
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Jim
I don't know. He wasn't talking to me. But if I were you I wouldn't hire his wife.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48146
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Ryan
That's why my foundation ' The Dream for a Wish Foundation ' is going to put them out of business. They're not going to know what hit them.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48147
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Robert
Everyone. I'd like to introduce my wife Mrs. Robert California. Mrs. California this is everyone.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48148
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Susan
Hello. Oh call me Susan please.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48149
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Robert
Last night at dinner Susan and I were talking about her returning to work. So she's here today to see if there's a good fit. Something tells me it just might work out. This is Andy Bernard the regional manager.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48150
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Susan
Hello nice to meet you.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48151
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Andy
Hey there. It's a pleasure.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48152
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Robert
Andy would you be so kind as to show Susan around the office. Show her the various departments. Find a place where she'll shine.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48153
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Andy
I would love to. But I have to be completely honest with you guys. We're 100 percent staffed up.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48154
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Robert
Andy. Let's see if there's a good fit first. Then we'll talk.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48155
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Andy
Alright.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48156
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Dwight
Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48157
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Darryl
You don't have to say it if you're doing it.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48158
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Dwight
Remember how you said that you were looking in the office to do calisthenics and aerobics?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48159
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Darryl
Uh weight lifting yeah.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48160
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Dwight
Well today's your lucky day. I have opened in this very office building Dwight Schrute's Gym for Muscles. You wanna take a look?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48161
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Darryl
I'll take a look.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48162
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Dwight
Your path from obesity begins right here!
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48163
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Darryl
I've been meaning to join a gym. For my health. I used to say I wanted to live long enough to see a black President. I didn't realize how easy that would be. So now I want to live long enough to see a really, really gay President. Or a supermodel President. I want to see all the different kinds of Presidents.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48164
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Dwight
Obese people in my office are a drain on resources. Chairs wear out faster, it takes more Freon to keep them cool, they flush the toilets more often, plus their massive BMs bust the rivets on my pipes. But a gym turns fat into cash.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48165
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Andy
Alright! The DM Express is pulling out.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48166
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Susan
Well it was really nice to meet you Brian.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48167
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Ryan
Actually Ryan.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48168
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Susan
Oh, Ryan.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48169
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Ryan
Bitttch!
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48170
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Andy
We will start here at Erinville.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48171
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Susan
Hi.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48172
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Erin
Hoo-hoo!
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48173
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Andy
Reception. Your classic one-man operation.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48174
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Erin
Although I was watching a movie and Merryl Streep had two secretaries.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48175
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Andy
I was watching a movie and a bunch of apes took over San Francisco. Just saying.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48176
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Robert
Two secretaries could convey a sense of importance and success to our clients. Certainly worth exploring; wouldn't you agree Andy?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48177
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Andy
I'll explore exploring it.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48178
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Robert
Good. It seems like you have this under control. So I'll just duck out and run the company for a while.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48179
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Andy
Ok uh next stop on the tour sales. Here we go. Station stop Jim Halpert. Oh boy our resident truth teller. Alright have at it. Let 'er rip. What do you hate about this place?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48180
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Jim
Well it's sales. So you have to be able to live in the world of rejection.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48181
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Dwight
Maybe you do. Hi. I'm Dwight. Sales is really not so hard ok? It's paper. We have it and they want it so bad they are willing to pay for it.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48182
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Andy
Jim?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48183
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Jim
Well it's not that easy. It's kind of sometimes difficult.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48184
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Dwight
It's the second easiest job in the world. Being a mom.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48185
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Susan
I love shopping and sales is just the other side of that.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48186
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Dwight
That is true.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48187
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Andy
You know if you joined our sales department you would be working very closely with our department head Mr. Dwight Schrute.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48188
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Dwight
That's me.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48189
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Andy
Dwight why don't you tell Susan about some of your hobbies. Survival skills. Ranking of animals.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48190
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Dwight
Maybe over a beer after she's closed her first sale.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48191
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Susan
Well make that a red wine and I'll tell you my animal rankings.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48192
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Andy
Oh how am I supposed to pull this off?. The entire office is being nice to her than they've ever been to me. What I wouldn't give for one of Phyllis' classic room clearing farts right now.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48193
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Dwight
Ready? What do you think?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48194
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Darryl
Um no. This is not a gym. This is like a scene out of Saw 5.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48195
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Dwight
You haven't even looked around yet. Look. Gravel bucket squat yoke Right? Dedicated phone book ripping station. You ever cut tin before? Five yards in and your forearms will be on fire. Plus I will buy the tin back from you that you cut for two cents a yard. Now let's go over membership. I'm going to need the first month's and the last month's up front. $49 per month. But every third month is $59 a month. But the fourth month is a discount month at $19 per month'
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48196
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Darryl
Obviously you know how a gym works. So you know I'm not going to pay money for this. You want people to come to your gym? Make a real gym.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48197
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Dwight
Darryl...
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48198
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Darryl
Make a real gym.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48199
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Susan
I was thinking accounting might be a good fit because I really clicked with Oscar and I do have some experience in bookkeeping.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48200
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Andy
But we already have a surplus of accountants as it is.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48201
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Susan
Uh I could work in customer service. HR even.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48202
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Andy
Those are fully staffed as well.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48203
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Robert
Are you telling me that there's no one in this entire office that could use an extra pair of hands?
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48204
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Andy
Yes.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48205
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Robert
I am the CEO and I am telling an employee of mine what to do.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48206
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Andy
Let me beat around the bush for a second. Our chairman of the board has some very strong feelings about-
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48207
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Susan
Robert this is very uncomfortable. Obviously there's no place for me here. So thank you for trying. Why don't we just let it go.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48208
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Robert
No. Absolutely not. Andrew there must be something you can do. Think.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48209
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Andy
There are lots of considerations.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48210
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Robert
I would be eternally grateful. It's not a bad thing to have the CEO owe you one.
Season 8 · Episode 9 · Quote 48211