Every line from The Office season 8, episode 20, in script order. First aired April 12, 2012.
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Pam
Hey Jim. Stanley's back from the hospital today. Can you sign his card?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51378
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Jim
Oh, great. 'Glad they didn't mix up your tonsillectomy with a moustachectomy.' Oh that's not good.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51379
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Phyllis
Oh, because your jokes are all hilarious.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51380
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Pam
It's nice. It's funny. It mentions his tonsillectomy and makes a funny little joke about his moustache.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51381
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Jim
Stanley doesn't have a moustache.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51382
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Pam
Yeah he does.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51383
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Oscar
Pam, hit the brakes. Stanley does not have a moustache. I misspoke. I'm not sure. I think he has one, now that- I think he has a moustache.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51384
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Pam
Okay, Phyllis sits across from him every day. Phyllis, does he have a moustache or not?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51385
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Phyllis
Oh, I don't know. Now I think he doesn't.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51386
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Pam
Phyllis! What are you talking- The whole card depends on this!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51387
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Jim
Okay, the man's worked here for 25 years. How can none of us picture his face?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51388
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Angela
Cause we come here to do our jobs. We don't stick our noses in other people's business.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51389
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Pam
Okay, which one of these looks more right?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51390
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Dwight
Neither of those looks like any person that has ever existed or been dreamt of in the history of human insanity. That said, the one on the left.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51391
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Gabe
Guys, that's the elevator. What if it's him?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51392
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Jim
Okay, quick. Who says moustache?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51393
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Dwight
Yep.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51394
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Jim
Who says no moustache?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51395
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Gabe
Ah! Ha ha ha!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51396
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Phyllis
He does have a moustache.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51397
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Dwight
Yes!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51398
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Pam
Welcome back, Stanley.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51399
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Robert
Good morning, Robert,' says no one because our receptionist is in Florida. Pam!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51400
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Pam
Oh!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51401
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Robert
Is this a video conference you're having with 'Drake, featuring Swizz Beatz'?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51402
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Pam
Um, no, I was just, um, just having a cup of coffee, kind of warming up for the day.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51403
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Robert
People, you should come to work already warm. Nine to ten a.m. is the most productive potential that a human being-
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51404
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Nellie
Sorry, sorry, everyone, I'm late! But you all are here, so no harm done at all by my lateness.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51405
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Robert
Nellie, really, nine fifty?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51406
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Nellie
Oh, here's what happened. Seven forty-six, my alarm clock goes off. I hear it. Whack the snooze.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51407
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Robert
Ah.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51408
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Nellie
Nine minutes. Bzz! Off it goes again. Whack! Seven more times I did that. Bzz, whack. Bzz, whack! By the time I got up, it was ten minutes ago. No willpower. That is my curse!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51409
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Robert
I've never believed willpower was very important in a woman.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51410
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Nellie
Ah ha!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51411
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Robert
I don't think you would have shown up to work nearly an hour late for no reason.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51412
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Nellie
Oh, I assure you, I would have done. I did, and I will keep doing it.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51413
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Robert
No, no, no, no. There's something going on. Some stress in your life.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51414
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Nellie
Well, yes, uh... there is the whole moving to Scranton nonsense. Thirty boxes arrived yesterday from England and two trunks from Florida. Then I have to move in to my apartment in this dreadful, God knows where it is backwater suburb of a suburb, and I mean, no offense but are there a lot of Irish people living around here?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51415
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Kevin & Meredith
Yes.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51416
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Nellie
Ugh! I hate that! No offense.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51417
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Kevin
None taken.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51418
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Oscar
Actually, Nellie, this monologue you're delivering is very offensive.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51419
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Nellie
oh! Ay, carumba! The natives are getting restless!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51420
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Stanley
Who's a native?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51421
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Nellie
Uh, excuse me, the tone here is getting quite hostile. I would appreciate it if you would keep that stuff on the basketball court.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51422
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Oscar
What does that mean?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51423
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Dwight
Okay, okay.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51424
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Nellie
If you'd let me finish- Or the squash court, or the Supreme Court. Hmm?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51425
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Robert
Nellie?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51426
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Nellie
Yes, Robert!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51427
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Robert
You're clearly under a lot of... stress with the moving and the work situation you've found yourself in.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51428
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Nellie
Yeah.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51429
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Robert
Let's help her out, shall we? Go above and beyond today to show her some of that warm Scranton hospitality. Jim. Dwight. Take the day. Help Nellie move those boxes into her new place.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51430
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Dwight
Why Jim?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51431
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Robert
The rest of you, let's throw a party at the end of the day to welcome the newest member of our little community.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51432
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Pam
I'm sorry, we're throwing a party for someone because they're being horrible?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51433
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Jim
I'm sorry, we're taking work time to move someone's personal belongings into their new apartment.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51434
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Pam
I'm still not sure why this woman is even here.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51435
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Jim
Why is she here?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51436
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Andy
Two crazy kids on the journey of life.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51437
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Erin
Going to Pennsylvania.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51438
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Andy
On the road with my new girlfriend. But first, a small pit stop to break up with my current girlfriend who is at her parents' cabin in southern Pennsylvania.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51439
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Erin
Oh. That must be nice.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51440
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Andy
Mm-hmm. It's a beautiful place. Great place to let her down easy.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51441
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Erin
Oh, no, no, I meant that it must be nice to have parents.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51442
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Andy
Oh. Hmm.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51443
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Andy
Time to have a little kiss!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51444
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Erin
No.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51445
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Andy
Mm. Sorry. Right. No kisses till the breakup is official.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51446
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Erin
Yes.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51447
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Andy
I believe in that.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51448
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Erin
Yes. So do I.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51449
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Andy
I think that's important. That is important. Bummer, but important.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51450
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Erin
Important.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51451
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Andy
Mm-hmm.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51452
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Phyllis
I can't believe he's making us throw a party for her.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51453
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Pam
I know, right?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51454
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Oscar
She's always late, she's always rude...
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51455
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Phyllis
It kinda makes me want to throw a really bad party.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51456
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Oscar
Yeah.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51457
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Phyllis
On purpose.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51458
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Pam
Phyllis!
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51459
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Angela
We should do it right here in the break room.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51460
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Phyllis
Order carrot cake.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51461
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Andy
...and Jessica, just so you know, this is way more about my love for Erin than anything wrong with you.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51462
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Erin
Well, Andy, I'm upset, but you did this in the best way possible, and I knew you as a lover and I'll remember you as a gentleman. Okay, that was one minute and ten seconds.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51463
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Andy
Consider it nailed.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51464
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Erin
I think we should try again. This time, worst case scenario.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51465
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Andy
Okay, here we go. Jessica, I'm really sorry. I just need you to know-
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51466
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Erin
What?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51467
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Andy
I just need you to know-
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51468
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Erin
What is it? I didn't sleep well last night.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51469
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Dwight
Ugh! Ow.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51470
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Jim
Nellie, that reminds me. Do you want this chair in the bedroom? 'Cause to be honest, I don't think it's gonna fit through the door.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51471
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Dwight
Don't listen to Jim. Have you ever seen him play Tetris? 'Oh, I think I'll just use this line horizontally. Oh, I had no idea what a gift this line is.'
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51472
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Jim
That was one time-
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51473
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Dwight
I will get the chair in. Watch the Great Schrutini work his magic.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51474
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Nellie
Oh, no. Really? Magic? No, no, no. Let's not go there. No, nothing is more repellant than magicians. Bunch of grown men waving wands, pulling bunnies out of body crevices. Magicians are repulsive. Next topic.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51475
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Jim
Excuse me, one second. Hi.
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51476
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Pam
Hey, what's up?
Season 8 · Episode 20 · Line 51477