Every line from The Office season 8, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 22, 2011.
-
Robert
What is this?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45816
-
Andy
It's a photocopy from your notebook.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45817
-
Robert
You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45818
-
Andy
No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45819
-
Robert
Ah, please. Here's what it is. It's a doodle.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45820
-
Andy
What?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45821
-
Robert
Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don't you think? Well, I doodle too, but I'm not an artist. So I draw words and lists.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45822
-
Andy
That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45823
-
Robert
Might as well have been sketching a cube.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45824
-
Andy
Okay. Robert's in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45825
-
Meredith
Maybe we're s'posed to do it with people in our group.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45826
-
Jim
That's not it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45827
-
Meredith
People in the other group.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45828
-
Jim
Mmum, still wrong.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45829
-
Andy
Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45830
-
Stanley
Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45831
-
Andy
Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45832
-
Kevin
I know! It's alphabetical.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45833
-
Everyone
No.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45834
-
Dwight
No, it's not. Here's how we find out. Let's line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let's just size each other up here and left side of the list' ATTACK!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45835
-
Jim
Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45836
-
Andy
Dwight!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45837
-
Meredith
Hey!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45838
-
Kevin
Warning! Warning! Warning!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45839
-
Robert
I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45840
-
Dwight
That's great. Let's do this guys.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45841
-
Jim
Alright, well, I will see you in a bit.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45842
-
Pam
I love you so much.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45843
-
Jim
Hey. It's nothing. Alright? I'll text you when we get there. Let you know what's going on.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45844
-
Pam
Okay.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45845
-
Jim
Nope. No dog video.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45846
-
Pam
Okay.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45847
-
Jim
Okay. See you guys.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45848
-
Andy
Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45849
-
Robert
Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45850
-
Jim
Uhhh, the street?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45851
-
Robert
Sesame street.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45852
-
Jim
Oh, I didn't know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45853
-
Robert
Elmo, god's sake, it's the Elmo era.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45854
-
Jim
Right.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45855
-
Robert
Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45856
-
Jim
Yeah, she does like Elmo.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45857
-
Oscar
Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45858
-
Phyllis
Completely.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45859
-
Darryl
Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45860
-
Kevin
The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45861
-
Toby
I should not be here. I'm in the- I was in the wrong- I'm- I'm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45862
-
Andy
Great group! Pizza party!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45863
-
Kelly
How is this a pizza party?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45864
-
Andy
Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45865
-
Kelly
Yeah, well, that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45866
-
Andy
Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45867
-
Stanley
What's that?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45868
-
Andy
Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45869
-
Stanley
That's pizza.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45870
-
Pam
That's regular pizza.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45871
-
Dwight
You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45872
-
Robert
I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45873
-
Dwight
Okay!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45874
-
Everyone
Awww.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45875
-
Phyllis
Well, what about the other guys.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45876
-
Dwight
Losers.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45877
-
Robert
No.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45878
-
Dwight
C'mon.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45879
-
Robert
I don't- I don't wanna say-
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45880
-
Dwight
C'mon, c'mon.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45881
-
Robert
No, no.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45882
-
Dwight
C'mon.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45883
-
Robert
Ha, I guess I think they're losers.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45884
-
Dwight
Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45885
-
Robert
Probably shouldn't have said that.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45886
-
Andy
Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45887
-
Pam
Oh, text from Jim. 'This is getting very weird. Will explain later.'
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45888
-
Pam
Oh, text from Kevin.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45889
-
Meredith
'Suck it losers.'
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45890
-
Ryan
Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45891
-
Pam
I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, 'Who's that receptionist? I like her.' Now I'm just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, 'Oh, loser.'
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45892
-
Andy
C'mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45893
-
Pam
Oh. Oh God.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45894
-
Kelly
Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45895
-
Angela
It was excellent.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45896
-
Darryl
Good times.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45897
-
Andy
Yeah?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45898
-
Dwight
Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45899
-
Kevin
I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45900
-
Jim
Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45901
-
Pam
Yeah, I'm fine.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45902
-
Kevin
Loser. Losers.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45903
-
Meredith
Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It'll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45904
-
Andy
When I was a salesman I could just be like 'Not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob.' Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45905
-
Andy
Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it's really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let's say top-tier and others would be second-tier.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45906
-
Robert
I never said that.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45907
-
Andy
Thank you. Great.
Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you're talking about?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45908
-
Andy
Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I'm thinking of. Can you clarify that?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45909
-
Robert
Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner. If I didn't, I don't. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45910
-
Phyllis
Whew, well. I guess that's that.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45911
-
Andy
No. No, no.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45912
-
Erin
Andy, don't go in there!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45913
-
Andy
I'm going in there.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45914
-
Andy
I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don't know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I'm not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Line 45915