Every quote from The Office season 8, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 22, 2011.
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Robert
What is this?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45816
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Andy
It's a photocopy from your notebook.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45817
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Robert
You read my notebook? And photocopied it. And distributed it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45818
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Andy
No. They did. And they asked me to ask about it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45819
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Robert
Ah, please. Here's what it is. It's a doodle.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45820
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Andy
What?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45821
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Robert
Some people doodle at work when they let their mind run. They draw houses, penises. Funny how the houses are always colonials and the penises are always circumcised. Don't you think? Well, I doodle too, but I'm not an artist. So I draw words and lists.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45822
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Andy
That is fascinating. And, by the way, I am so glad I asked. People were just sort of- Did you just move my name?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45823
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Robert
Might as well have been sketching a cube.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45824
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Andy
Okay. Robert's in the annex, everybody think quick. What do these groups have in common?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45825
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Meredith
Maybe we're s'posed to do it with people in our group.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45826
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Jim
That's not it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45827
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Meredith
People in the other group.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45828
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Jim
Mmum, still wrong.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45829
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Andy
Stanley, you do puzzles all day. Whatdo we got?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45830
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Stanley
Well, you take the first letter from each name, assign it a number, add 'em all up, and SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUTT!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45831
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Andy
Thank you. A little much needed comic relief, but we really need to figure this out guys.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45832
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Kevin
I know! It's alphabetical.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45833
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Everyone
No.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45834
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Dwight
No, it's not. Here's how we find out. Let's line up and compare the lines, see if we learn anything. Okay, left-siders over here. Right-siders, line up over here. Face each other. Match it by height and relative weight. Let's just size each other up here and left side of the list' ATTACK!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45835
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Jim
Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop! Stop! Will you stop?!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45836
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Andy
Dwight!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45837
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Meredith
Hey!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45838
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Kevin
Warning! Warning! Warning!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45839
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Robert
I'd like to invite the following people to join me for lunch: Jim, Dwight, Angela, Darryl, Kevin, Toby, Phyllis, Oscar.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45840
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Dwight
That's great. Let's do this guys.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45841
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Jim
Alright, well, I will see you in a bit.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45842
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Pam
I love you so much.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45843
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Jim
Hey. It's nothing. Alright? I'll text you when we get there. Let you know what's going on.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45844
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Pam
Okay.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45845
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Jim
Nope. No dog video.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45846
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Pam
Okay.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45847
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Jim
Okay. See you guys.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45848
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Andy
Well, we should all be really excited about our very own pizza party. Pizza partay! Pizza! Partay! Pizza! Partay!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45849
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Robert
Jim, your daughter, Cecilia. What does she think of the street?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45850
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Jim
Uhhh, the street?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45851
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Robert
Sesame street.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45852
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Jim
Oh, I didn't know anybody called it- She likes it a lot- she, uh, loves Elmo.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45853
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Robert
Elmo, god's sake, it's the Elmo era.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45854
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Jim
Right.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45855
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Robert
Sesame Street was created to reflect the environment of the children watching it. Complete self-absorption of Elmo is brilliantly reflective of our time. Ours is a cultural ghetto. Wouldn't you agree.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45856
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Jim
Yeah, she does like Elmo.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45857
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Oscar
Cultural ghetto? Totally- totally agree.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45858
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Phyllis
Completely.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45859
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Darryl
Apt. Apt analysis, Robert.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45860
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Kevin
The thing that I like about Elmo is the tickling.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45861
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Toby
I should not be here. I'm in the- I was in the wrong- I'm- I'm sorry. Uh, just picture me back there. I- I was never here.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45862
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Andy
Great group! Pizza party!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45863
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Kelly
How is this a pizza party?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45864
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Andy
Well, why don't you ask me again when the five pizzas get here.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45865
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Kelly
Yeah, well, that's just pizza. You need at least one other element for it to be a party.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45866
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Andy
Okay. You guys ever had Margarita pizza?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45867
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Stanley
What's that?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45868
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Andy
Fresh tomato with a dollop of mozzarella cheese.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45869
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Stanley
That's pizza.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45870
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Pam
That's regular pizza.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45871
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Dwight
You know, I feel comfortable enough now to ask you this question... what made you pick this group?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45872
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Robert
I just think you guys are winners and I wanted to have lunch with you.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45873
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Dwight
Okay!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45874
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Everyone
Awww.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45875
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Phyllis
Well, what about the other guys.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45876
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Dwight
Losers.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45877
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Robert
No.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45878
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Dwight
C'mon.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45879
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Robert
I don't- I don't wanna say-
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45880
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Dwight
C'mon, c'mon.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45881
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Robert
No, no.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45882
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Dwight
C'mon.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45883
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Robert
Ha, I guess I think they're losers.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45884
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Dwight
Ha ha, I knew it! Ha ha! Yes! Woo!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45885
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Robert
Probably shouldn't have said that.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45886
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Andy
Ah hah! Their interpretation of Margarita pizza. Fans of classic pizza will be psyched.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45887
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Pam
Oh, text from Jim. 'This is getting very weird. Will explain later.'
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45888
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Pam
Oh, text from Kevin.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45889
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Meredith
'Suck it losers.'
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45890
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Ryan
Okay, not to point out the glaringly obvious, but doesn't the fact that I'm in this group make anyone feel just a little bit better? Oh! This crust is sharp!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45891
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Pam
I used to be young and cute and sorta funny and I could do those cute, little cartoons. And everyone who came through here was like, 'Who's that receptionist? I like her.' Now I'm just a fat mom. Yeah, and you take one look at me and you're like, 'Oh, loser.'
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45892
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Andy
C'mon Pam. Chins up, okay? Bad joke. Look around this room. Does this look like a group of losers? Seriously?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45893
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Pam
Oh. Oh God.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45894
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Kelly
Oh. Hey guys! We had so much fun. We had Margarita pizza. We all hung out. Got to know each other better. How was your lunch?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45895
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Angela
It was excellent.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45896
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Darryl
Good times.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45897
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Andy
Yeah?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45898
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Dwight
Oh, we did. It was the best time. And you know what? Now it's over. Back to work everyone. You too Andy.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45899
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Kevin
I knew it. I just knew, my whole life, that everyone was wrong about me. My parents, my teachers, my friends, the doctors. Everyone.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45900
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Jim
Well, that was certainly an odd lunch. Is everything alright?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45901
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Pam
Yeah, I'm fine.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45902
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Kevin
Loser. Losers.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45903
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Meredith
Just take the casserole out of the- Take it out of the refrigerator and put it in the oven. It'll be fine, just leave it in for 20 minutes.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45904
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Andy
When I was a salesman I could just be like 'Not my job, not my prob. I'm going to the warehouse to polish my knob.' Metaphorically, of course. But now, it is my job and my prob.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45905
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Andy
Hi, Robert? Can you come out here please it's really important. Just wanted to clarify something. Some people here are under the misconception that some people may be considered, uh, let's say top-tier and others would be second-tier.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45906
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Robert
I never said that.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45907
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Andy
Thank you. Great.
Robert. I said winners and losers. Is that what you're talking about?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45908
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Andy
Oh, that, it might- That might actually be what I'm thinking of. Can you clarify that?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45909
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Robert
Let me tell you some things I find productive. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Honesty. I'll tell you some things I find unproductive. Constantly worrying about where you stand based on inscrutable social clues. And then, inevitably reframing it all in a reassuring way so that you can get to sleep at night. No, I do not believe in that at all. If I invited you to lunch, I think you're a winner. If I didn't, I don't. But I just met you all. Life is long, opinions change. Winners prove me right. Losers, prove me wrong.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45910
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Phyllis
Whew, well. I guess that's that.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45911
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Andy
No. No, no.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45912
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Erin
Andy, don't go in there!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45913
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Andy
I'm going in there.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45914
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Andy
I know that every time I talk to you things just seem to get worse. But, you don't know these people and I do. And if I let you work with faulty information, well, then I'm not doing my job as regional manager. So, please take this pen and change your list.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45915