Every quote from The Office season 8, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 22, 2011.
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Oscar
Oh, for God's sake.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45716
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Oscar
Planking is a very stupid and dangerous trend. Basically, you lie like a plank in weird places. That's it. Sometimes you get run over. Welcome to the Internet.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45717
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Erin
Planking is one of those things where, eh, you either get it or you don't... And I don't... But I am so excited to be a part of it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45718
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Andy
After you my good sir.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45719
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Dwight
No, I insist.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45720
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Andy
I insist.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45721
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Jim
The Search Committee finally decided, after a lot of deliberation, on Robert California... for the manager position. Who took one look around and left... He drove down to Florida and convinced Joe to make him CEO... CEO... her own job. He talked her out of her own job. And I don't really know how someone does that. But, anyway, then the position was his to fill. And he chose...
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45722
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Andy
I' it's unbelievable. True, I may have been the second choice, but I was the first-choice's first choice. And, about Dwight, I sensed that he might have some resentment about not getting the job so I sat him down and we had a talk. And I told him, 'I need a really strong number two. I want you to be my enforcer.' Smart, right?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45723
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Kelly
(planking on top of cabinet] Very smart.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45724
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Andy
Uh, this has got to stop.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45725
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Kelly
I can't get down.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45726
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Dwight
K... Kevin!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45727
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Dwight
Yeah, at first, I was really disappointed, but I've got a great daily routine going right now. I have upped my karate to eight times a week. I've added boxing - lunches and on weekends. I do kickboxing three times a week. Krav Maga four times a week. An hour of meditation every morning at sunrise and again at sunset. So yeah, I'm doin' great.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45728
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Dwight
K, I'm gonna need some help. Pam?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45729
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Pam
I don't think I should.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45730
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Jim
Oh, yeah. Pregnant.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45731
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Pam
Right here. Little Michael Scott-
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45732
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Jim
No, I told you I don't like that joke. It is a boy. We found out early.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45733
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Pam
Much different the second time around. And I have to say; it is nice not being the only pregnant woman in the office.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45734
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Angela
Look, it's a 'Little Pregs' and 'Big Pregs'
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45735
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Pam
Wait, when did we start calling it that-
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45736
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Angela
Isn't it amazing, the difference in our sizes?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45737
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Pam
Well, I am a few months ahead of you.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45738
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Angela
I am having a child with my husband, the Senator. And Pam is having a child with Jim... the great salesman.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45739
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Dwight
Hoist him aloft. C'mon Darryl. Lift, lift Darryl.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45740
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Darryl
I'm lifting.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45741
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Darryl
Yeah, I wanted the manager job, but I got somethin' much better. This soda. This is mine.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45742
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Stanley
It might be easier if you take a deep breath, lift from the knees, and shove it up your butt.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45743
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Stanley
I came up with a new thing this summer. I act like I'm telling someone how to do somethin'. I go on with a long description and then I say, 'and shove it up your butt.' It's stupid, but it's my thing now.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45744
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Jim
No one should be planking at all.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45745
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Andy
Thank you, yes. Dwight, my enforcer, my number two, can you take care of this?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45746
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Dwight
Say no more.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45747
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Dwight
Kids, don't try planking. It's dangerous. 'Specially with me around.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45748
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Jim
You watching that commercial again? Why do you keep watching it, if you know it's just gonna make you cry?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45749
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Pam
Because everything makes me cry, so what's the difference? This dog, he just wants to protect his bone.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45750
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Jim
He's got a bank vault. That's a start.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45751
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Pam
Not enough though.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45752
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Jim
The new CEO works out of the conference room about half the time. But whenever he takes a break, he does these weird walks around the office. And you never know who he's gonna zero in on for these really intense small-talks. You just hope it's not you. And yet, you hope it is you too. It's strange.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45753
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Erin
Here we go.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45754
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Robert
Hello.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45755
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Erin
Robert California. Let's have a conversation.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45756
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Robert
Describe your day so far.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45757
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Erin
Well, I woke up. And I hit the snooze-
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45758
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Robert
And when you recount your day, never say you woke up. It's a waste of your time. That's how every day's begun, for everyone, since the dawn of man.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45759
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Erin
Very smart, very smart. Suddenly, I was awake. And I've been doing this thing-
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45760
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Andy
Hey, Robert. We have that 9:30am casual chit-chat scheduled. I emailed you about it last night to confirm. And again this morning.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45761
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Andy
First item on the agenda: can I get everyone an extra long Columbus Day weekend. Item number two, connect with the guy. Robert California, what does he think of me? Don't know, super care. Number three, time permitting, we lost our biggest client.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45762
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Erin
Pam, pam. Psst. Pam.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45763
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Pam
Jim.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45764
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Jim
Can I call you right back? Thank you very much. Okay. What is this?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45765
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Andy
The Friday before Columbus Day. Thoughts?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45766
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Robert
What are your thoughts.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45767
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Andy
Just making chit-chat. Kind of a medium year for women's soccer, no?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45768
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Dwight
What are you looking at?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45769
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Jim
It's, it's nothing.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45770
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Dwight
It can't be nothing.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45771
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Phyllis
Yeah, it can't be nothing.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45772
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Jim
It's just a list of our names, split into two columns.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45773
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Stanley
What?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45774
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Jim
Okay, just wait one second, alright? I will copy it. Do you have a pen?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45775
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Erin
No.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45776
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Jim
No. Okay. Um, I'll take a photo of it. Dwight, can you throw me my phone?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45777
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Dwight
Nice catch.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45778
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Pam
If he comes out, distract him.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45779
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Kevin
We need a warning signal.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45780
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Jim
We don't need a warning signal, Kevin. We can see him right there-
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45781
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Kevin
We do.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45782
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Jim
I promise you, we don't need a warning-
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45783
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Kevin
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45784
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Phyllis
Ahhh!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45785
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Dwight
Phyllis! Phyllis! You okay? You okay?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45786
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Phyllis
Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45787
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Dwight
' 2, 3!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45788
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Phyllis
Thanks guys.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45789
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Dwight
Okay, which side of the list am I on?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45790
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Jim
Left.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45791
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Dwight
Yes!
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45792
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Jim
Why are you- How do you know?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45793
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Andy
Really great list of names guys. Thank you so much. Good work.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45794
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Jim
Uh, no, actually. That was in Robert's notebook.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45795
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Pam
He left it at reception and we photocopied it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45796
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Andy
Oh, okay. I don't want any part of this.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45797
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Pam
Maybe it's a list of people he's gonna fire.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45798
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Jim
Okay, it's not that Pam. You know, I was thinking it reminds me of those lists Dwight used to make.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45799
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Dwight
This is if we were all on a cruise ship and had to divide into lifeboats. This is if we were on a cruise ship and had to divide into life rafts. Here's something. Who would eat who in an 'Alive' situation. No... that can't be it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45800
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Andy
I gotta say. Kinda seems like the left side's the side to be on. Me, Jim, Dwight, Darryl. No offense Pam.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45801
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Jim
I don't think it's-
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45802
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Pam
'Scuse me?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45803
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Dwight
Shhh, Pam. C'mon, don't be such a right-sider.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45804
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Angela
Did you guys figure it out?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45805
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Andy
We couldn't crack it.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45806
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Stanley
Go in there and just ask the man what it means.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45807
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Andy
He'll know that we looked at his private notebook.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45808
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Phyllis
C'mon, just say you saw the list by accident.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45809
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Andy
I'm already working on this Columbus Day thing for you guys and it's starting to stack up. Feels like a lot. One thing at a time.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45810
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Phyllis
Yeah, that's all you had to do today was ask about Columbus Day?
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45811
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Robert
Yes, for god's sake Andy. Yes, come in.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45812
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Andy
What's up? Weird thing. Totally awkward, but you left your notebook on the reception desk.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45813
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Robert
Great. Thank you.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45814
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Andy
And it was open. And people saw this. And they're just kinda going nuts and like wondering what it is.
Season 8 · Episode 1 · Quote 45815