Every line from The Office season 8, episode 18, in script order. First aired March 8, 2012.
-
Todd Packer
Well, looks like Shnoot's a no-show. Guess he wasn't vice presy material after all. But I am. Put me in, babe. I got the info down backwards, forwards, and doggy-style. I'm your man.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51053
-
Nellie
Right, let's begin then. Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce the vice president of Sabre Retail, Mr. Todd Packer.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51054
-
Todd Packer
Sup?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51055
-
Phyllis
What are you doing?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51056
-
Andy
I'm just dealing with Erin's stuff since apparently she's not coming back. And she didn't bother to tell anyone.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51057
-
Oscar
We knew. Ryan told us.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51058
-
Andy
Ryan, why didn't you tell me?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51059
-
Ryan
Thought you checker my Tumblr?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51060
-
Andy
You never update it.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51061
-
Ryan
Well, I updated it.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51062
-
Andy
Does anyone else think this is weird? And like, kind of uncool, actually? To leave us without a receptionist?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51063
-
Pam
We'll find another receptionist. I mean, that's easy. We'll be fine.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51064
-
Dwight
Huh, huh, huh!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51065
-
Jim
What are you doing?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51066
-
Dwight
I was trying to go-
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51067
-
Jim
Get up.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51068
-
Dwight
Ok, ok.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51069
-
Jim
Get up. All right? I'm not gonna let you by.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51070
-
Dwight
Then you know what? I'm just gonna have to run right through you.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51071
-
Jim
OK. What are you doing? Are you really revving up? you know that doesn't work.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51072
-
Dwight
Jackie Chan!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51073
-
Kevin
Go.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51074
-
Darryl
Hi. This is Alex.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51075
-
Toby
And this is Sam.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51076
-
Darryl
Kevin can't come to the phone right now because he's busy with us.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51077
-
Kevin
Perfect! Now people will think I'm doing hot girls all day.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51078
-
Darryl
I don't know, man, they might think we're drag queens.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51079
-
Toby
Yeah, I don't know why you picked names that are also guys' names.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51080
-
Kevin
Okay, now who do I ride to the kitchen like a pony?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51081
-
Toby
Don't make me be your pony, Kevin.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51082
-
Darryl
Forget it, man.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51083
-
Kevin
What do you mean?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51084
-
Darryl
I'm out. And so is Toby.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51085
-
Darryl
This may be wrong. But there's a limit to what I would do for my child.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51086
-
Toby
Yeah. I have my dignity too. I refuse to be another man's horsey.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51087
-
Kevin
No guys, stop! You have to sell me cookies. I'll do anything. I'm even gonna kiss Meredith. That is... hmph... that's ah... so good.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51088
-
Jim
What are you doing? No. No, no, no.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51089
-
Dwight
This. Ends. Now.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51090
-
Jim
This is dangerous.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51091
-
Dwight
Rrahh!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51092
-
Jim
Why?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51093
-
Dwight
Anything else you need to talk about?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51094
-
Jim
Nope. I think that was it.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51095
-
Dwight
Once again, it's show time.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51096
-
Robert California
What baffles me is how you could take a perfectly good idea, which the great Jo Bennett rightfully signed off on, and then utterly botch it in execution.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51097
-
Todd Packer
If I may speak to that, I have only been vice president of this project for the last half hour, so the man you want is Dwight Shrute.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51098
-
Robert California
I don't see Dwight. He clearly had the infinite wisdom to stay as far away from this clown show as possible.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51099
-
Nellie
Whatever you do, do not blame Todd Packer. It is not his fault. Blame his upbringing, his parents, the society that would mold this idiotic creature. Fire the employee, yes... but not the man. You may not cancel his soul.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51100
-
Robert California
That was never on the table.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51101
-
Todd Packer
Are you kidding? She's the queen of the whole freaking Magilla!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51102
-
Robert California
And yet Todd, it's you who's fired.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51103
-
Todd Packer
What, you, I, I can't get fired. I'm an institution. I have been at this company for 20 years. How many of you have been here that long, huh?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51104
-
Darryl
Hey, hey. They're back.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51105
-
Kelly
Dwight, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Florida?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51106
-
Jim
Yeah, the crazy thing about that is, um, wow you look great. Did you lose some weight?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51107
-
Kelly
Thank you, for someone who actually notices this. No, I didn't lose weight. But I started using my makeup to contour my face to look skinnier. I actually put on five pounds.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51108
-
Phyllis
Hey! Good to have you back.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51109
-
Stanley
Good to be back.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51110
-
Pam
Hey, stranger!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51111
-
Jim
Hey.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51112
-
Pam
Aw, I missed you.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51113
-
Jim
I missed you.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51114
-
Pam
Aw.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51115
-
Andy
I'm going to Florida to get Erin. Forgot to turn off my email. It's crazy, right? It's just, when she said she was leaving, I felt so- 'You're about to close four tabs, are you sure you want to continue?' Yes. I am sure. Ah, slow computer!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51116