Every line from The Office season 8, episode 18, in script order. First aired March 8, 2012.
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Dwight
What are you doing here? I thought I got rid of you?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50953
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Jim
Can I just talk to you for one quick second?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50954
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Dwight
What, your stylist ran out of 'messy spray'?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50955
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Jim
Um, actually it's, it's for your own good. I think maybe we should-
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50956
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Dwight
You want to do something for my own good? Turn around, walk out that door, do not stop 'til you get to Scranton, find my cell phone charger, mail it back to me, and then go hell.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50957
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Todd Packer
Nice. Hey, Halpert, anyone ever tell you you look like Wooly Willy?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50958
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Dwight
Silence.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50959
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Todd Packer
Aw, I'm just trying to-
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50960
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Dwight
I know what you're trying to do, I don't want it. But your face does look like the guy from Operation.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50961
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Todd Packer
That's... that's the same guy. It's the joke I made.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50962
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Dwight
Different guy.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50963
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Jim
You know, I just think you should know that-
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50964
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Dwight
That you look like the world's tallest hobbit.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50965
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Jim
Well, I tried. You saw it, so, it's on the record. I have a plane to catch.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50966
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Erin
Can you help me? I'm trying to make a video chat with Andy.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50967
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Irene
Just open the program and type in his user name.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50968
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Erin
Can you just do it?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50969
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Irene
Here, type in your password.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50970
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Erin
Erin123'
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50971
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Irene
That's a terrible password. And you don't 'make a video chat', you video chat.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50972
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Erin
All right.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50973
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Andy
Hello?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50974
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Erin
That's so weird. There's something wrong with my laptop. Oh. I fixed it.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50975
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Andy
Oh, now mine's broken. Hang on. Oh, there we go.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50976
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Pam
He said, 'I did like Dwight'? He's gonna fire him.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50977
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Jim
No, no, I think it was more like, 'you know, I liked him, but I don't anymore because he did a bad job, so I'm definitely gonna yell at him'.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50978
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Pam
Robert doesn't talk like that. You have to stop Dwight from doing this.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50979
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Jim
I tried. He will not listen.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50980
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Pam
Did you actually try your hardest?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50981
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Jim
Yes... my pretty hardest. Look, you haven't dealt with him in awhile, all right. He's like super Dwight. It's like he's been bitten by a radioactive Dwight, or som- Stanley, back me up.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50982
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Stanley
Don't talk to me.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50983
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Jim
Stanley's very upset that we're leaving Florida. But he would back me up.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50984
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Pam
If Dwight's about to get fired, you have to tell him. Just get the words out. That's all you can do.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50985
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Jim
OK. All right.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50986
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Darryl
What's a skinny guy like Toby know about cookies? You can't trust him to understand the wants and needs of the thick man. Maybe Toby from two years ago.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50987
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Phyllis
Yeah.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50988
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Kevin
That's true. If I have a question about my cookies at midnight, who am I gonna call? Darryl. Toby's probably in bed with some model.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50989
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Darryl
Thank you.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50990
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Toby
I'm, I'm not gonna comment on my personal life.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50991
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Darryl
Look, I need this. Ok? Your daughter is a pretty little girl. Let her go door-to-door. You think people gonna buy cookies from my chubby daughter?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50992
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Phyllis
Oh.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50993
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Darryl
Baby, if you're watching this, you're not chubby, you're beautiful. Daddy's just got to sell some cookies. And we're also gonna exercise more. It's gonna be fun.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50994
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Kelly
Oh, you know what you have to do? To decide? You need to make them do things for you. And, like, buy you things.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50995
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Pam
Or have them sing that song! That the frog does in Looney Tunes.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50996
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Phyllis
Make them kiss each other.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50997
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Meredith
Make them kiss me.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50998
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Erin
Yes, this is too tan. This right here-
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 50999
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Andy
No.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51000
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Erin
This is a tanned spot.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51001
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Andy
I don't buy it. It, that is a freckle. That is not a tan, ok? I'm gonna have to inspect it in person when you get back here. I want you looking totally 'puerto ricania' when i see you.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51002
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Erin
Well, Andy, I'm not coming back.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51003
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Andy
What?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51004
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Erin
I have a job here. I work for an old lady.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51005
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Irene
Hello!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51006
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Erin
Andy?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51007
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Andy
Yeah, that's awesome. That's great.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51008
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Kevin
This is tough. 'Cause Darryl, you sang better and you dance better but Toby has that indescribable quality that makes a star. I think I've reached my decision. I have decided... that you guys are gonna keep doing things for me.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51009
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Darryl
No, no, no, no. It's not worth it.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51010
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Toby
No.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51011
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Kevin
No, it's not worth it? That's too bad. 'Cause I was feeling particularly hungry this year.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51012
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Darryl
Yeah, ok so what, you buy 40 boxes?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51013
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Kevin
Hungrier.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51014
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Toby
50?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51015
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Kevin
Hungrier.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51016
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Darryl
You're not talking... triple digits?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51017
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Kevin
Oh yeah, I'm talking triple digits. Again.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51018
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Dwight
Showtime.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51019
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Jim
Dwight.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51020
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Dwight
You again? Gosh, I keep throwing you away, you keep flying back here. You're like an Amish return stick.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51021
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Jim
OK, great, listen to me. Listen to me. No, no, I know. Will you just let me tell you one thing, please?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51022
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Dwight
Yes, you may tell me one thing. Wait, you want to borrow money?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51023
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Jim
Listen to me. Robert is going to veto the Sabre store.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51024
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Dwight
Jim, come on.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51025
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Jim
Dwight, he's gonna kill the store.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51026
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Dwight
Uh-huh.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51027
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Jim
And then, I'm pretty sure he's gonna fire you for it.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51028
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Dwight
Wait. He's gonna kill the store? And he's gonna fire me?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51029
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Jim
Yes.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51030
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Dwight
That's two things.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51031
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Jim
Dwight, please.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51032
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Dwight
Nice try, Jim. Your pranks have never worked in the past and they're not going to work today.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51033
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Jim
OK, first of all, they've mostly worked, so-
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51034
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Dwight
You know what? You might want to get to the airport. It's gonna take you a long time to get through security with all those beauty products. Bye.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51035
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Jim
Dwight, come o-
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51036
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Dwight
Nothing is gonna stop me. That is the mark of a great man. Unstoppability. Dunder-Mifflin, the farm, Mose, all those things vanish in my rearview mirror. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with destiny. And from what I hear, she's a slu- Ah![Jim tackles Dwight]
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51037
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Dwight
Help! Help!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51038
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Jim
Gross! Don't lick my hand! God, why is there so much saliva?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51039
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Dwight
AlI had to do was think about pie and my salivary glands did the rest.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51040
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Jim
Gross!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51041
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Dwight
Ah!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51042
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Jim
What? What, what, what, what, what?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51043
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Dwight
Oh, god! You... oh! My appendix-
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51044
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Jim
I'm sorry.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51045
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Dwight
My wound hasn't healed yet.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51046
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Jim
I'm so sorry, I forgot.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51047
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Dwight
Oh, man!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51048
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Jim
You all right? You ok?
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51049
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Dwight
Rrrah!
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51050
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Nellie
Where the hell is he? I cannot do this without him.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51051
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Cathy
I don't know. He's not picking up.
Season 8 · Episode 18 · Line 51052