Every line from The Office season 8, episode 17, in script order. First aired March 1, 2012.
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Dwight
Point it towards the store, idiot!
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50694
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Dwight
You know what I mean? One of these buttons is -- damn it. Take over.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50695
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Dwight
Oh hey, Hey, hey, you guys, you must be lost. Listen. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, the fountain where you can feed the pigeons is out behind the bank. Tell your great-grandson to bring his kid by. Okay. So long. Here we go. Erin! Psst! Come on! The elderly suck the life out of the young. Get them out of here!
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50696
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Erin
We are closed! Come on.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50697
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Toby
Self-defense is not some fun boxing match, okay? This is about escaping with your life. So... strike, scream, and run. All right? Let's try it.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50698
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Creed
[smacks Meredith's head]
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50699
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Meredith
Ow.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50700
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Toby
That may have been my fault.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50701
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Meredith
What the hell, Toby?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50702
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Toby
Okay, look, in a real crisis situation, you're not gonna have to time to think, okay? So just remember, I-A-A-T-G. 'It's all about the groin.'
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50703
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Andy
What if you're being attacked by a ' smallish man who happens to not have a groin?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50704
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Toby
I don't think that's very common.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50705
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Andy
What if you're being attacked by a 4'11' man who is penisless?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50706
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Oscar
Why are you fixated on this hypothetical transgendered attacker?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50707
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Andy
Why don't we start with the basics? Show us how to defend ourselves against a baby, and then like, a fifth grade girl, and then, you know, if we have time, on up to a scary man.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50708
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Toby
Well, the most common scenario is a larger man attacking a smaller female.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50709
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Andy
So in that scenario, what if the victim sucker-punches the attacker in the face? What can the attacker then do to better protect himself?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50710
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Toby
It's interesting that you're drawn to the point of view of the attacker. You would like the turn of the table. Okay, the latest Chad Flenderman novel... written from the point of view of his nemesis, Dr. Lucifer Wu.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50711
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Angela
Can I please leave? I have a rape flute.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50712
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Toby
All right, well, let's try one simple technique together. Okay, why doesn't everyone stand? Okay, so... you're being attacked. You've got your hands up. Simple palm strike to the chin. Up to the chin. One, two.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50713
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Everyone
One, two.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50714
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Andy
Take that, kid.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50715
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Dwight
Cathy, I would like to introduce you to Fatty Gruesome. He is a freelancer for Wired magazine.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50716
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Lady Blogger
Patty Grossman. I'm a woman.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50717
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Dwight
But you still work for Wired, right?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50718
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Patty
Yes.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50719
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Dwight
Good! Okay. Flirt away.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50720
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Ryan
Sabre. It's time to come home.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50721
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Jim
Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I think ...it seemed like you were a little nervous.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50722
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Ryan
Yeah, no, Sherlock! Can somebody please tell me something encouraging about this presentation before I go out there in front of a million people and do it?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50723
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Dwight
Okay. I know, I know, champ. Calm down, just listen.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50724
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Ryan
You know what?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50725
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Dwight
You just need to realize that so much rides on this. You have no idea.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50726
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Jim
Dwight.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50727
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Dwight
I'm trying to make him feel important.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50728
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Ryan
God. I wish Kelly were here. She always knew what to say.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50729
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Dwight
Um... Oh, Ryan, you're so smart. You're smarter than Mark Zuckerberg and those Google guys all combined. Hee hee hee.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50730
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Ryan
You're so ignorant. You barely know what you're talking about. That is so ridiculous. You really need to read a couple books.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50731
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Dwight
What's a book?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50732
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Ryan
On my God. You're so embarrassing. My mom would say the best stuff, though.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50733
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Jim
You can... You can do it Ryan.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50734
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Ryan
And you know that I'm capable of this.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50735
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Jim
You're the only one who can do it, s-sweetie.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50736
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Ryan
What did you think of the presentation?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50737
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Jim
I thought it was great, sweetie. I would just fix that one --
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50738
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Ryan
Oh! 'Fix' means you hate it! I knew it! I need something to drink!
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50739
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Dwight
Jim, get him a water.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50740
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Ryan
No, not a water. A sports drink. I hate everything in that fridge. Not red! Get me something yellow or green from a nearby store. Not red!
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50741
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Dwight
Why are you just standing there? Go to a nearby store and get him a yellow or green sports drink!
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50742
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Toby
Now, if your attacker is willing to defile a corpse, you better stop playing dead right away and just make it known that you're alive.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50743
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Lady
Forgive me for interrupting. I believe my daughter had an altercation with somebody here, some fancy gentleman with a squeaky voice?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50744
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Andy
I think you guys might have the wrong Office.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50745
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Girl
That's him... the guy I hit.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50746
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Darryl
What?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50747
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Oscar
You've gotta be kidding me.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50748
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Kevin
Poor Andy! First you got beat up by a gang, and now she kicks your ass?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50749
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Oscar
No, Kevin --
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50750
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Lady
What about the lady you hit with the pine cone?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50751
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Girl
There. That chubby one.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50752
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Pam
I just had a baby.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50753
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Girl
Yesterday?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50754
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Pam
Wow.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50755
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Lady
Apologize.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50756
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Girl
Sorry I kicked your ass in front of your 'thin' girlfriend.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50757
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Pam
How 'bout we wait til next year after you have your kid?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50758
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Lady
You know what? Tiffy's going to college.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50759
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Andy
Listen, I don't know what you guys are talking about, but I guess I'll just accept your apology so we can get on with our day.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50760
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Lady
God bless. Friend of mine uses your paper. You do good work. Bye bye.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50761
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Kevin
Bye.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50762
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Kelly
So, Toby, I think we should do a different self-defense seminar -- 'How to protect ourselves against tiny little girls.'
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50763
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Toby
There's no shame in getting beaten up by a girl. My ex-wife used to demolish me.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50764
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Kelly
No, there is shame in it, okay? We have to draw the line somewhere.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50765
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Darryl
Oh my God, I think I see the imprint of a ring pop.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50766
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Andy
Oh...
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50767
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Dwight
Have you seen Erin?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50768
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Stanley
I'm on break.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50769
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Dwight
Oh God... Hey no! Where do you think you're going? You've gotta stay for the big presentation we've got this young wiz kid -- Ryan. He's like an even more handsome Bill Gates.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50770
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Blogger
When's the presentation?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50771
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Dwight
It's moments away. Just stay here!
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50772
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Ryan
Hey Uncle Lucas, it's your nephew Ryan. Honestly, I could use a prescription for ritalin right now. Well, I know you did one for Aunt Carol. Oh, so it's different because it's your wife? Well, that doesn't make any sense to me.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50773
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Nellie
How you doing?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50774
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Ryan
Don't talk to me right now. I'm sorry. I- I know you're my boss, but seriously, you need to get the hell out of my face. What I don't understand is...
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50775
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Nellie
Your little man is unraveling. Now go and fix it.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50776
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Erin
Sorry about kicking you out. It's just, we don't want our brand associated with death.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50777
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Old Lady
It's okay. I'll go to the Costco and search for handsome men.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50778
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Erin
You're not married yet?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50779
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Old Lady
Oh, I was. My husband was my best friend. He passed away.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50780
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Erin
My best friend was my boss, Andy. We dated for a while, but since then, he rejected me, and we're not really friends.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50781
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Old Lady
Someone rejected you? With that body and those bazongas? Forget him!
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50782
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Erin
Yeah! Forget him! And you should forget your husband.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50783
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Old Lady
Well...
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50784
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Dwight
How long has he been in the bathroom?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50785
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Jim
About ten minutes.
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50786
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Dwight
Jeez! What's he doing in there?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50787
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Jim
Oops, that's my phone. Am I allowed to answer it or are you gonna freak out?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50788
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Dwight
Are there any bloggers around?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50789
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Jim
It's Ryan. 'I'm sorry. I lied. I'm not in the bathroom. I can't do it. I need to see my mom. I'm going home.'
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50790
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Nellie
What is the delay here? Where's Ryan? Why is he not here?
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50791
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Dwight
I had to send him home. As brilliant and creative as he is, he is nothing... compared to this guy!
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50792
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Jim
Uh...
Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50793