Dwight

Today is the test launch day for the inaugural Sabre store. Brr brr brr BRR and I, Dwight Schrute, am in charge of the entire operation. If I can prove myself today and the store is a hit with the media and Nellie sees this, the vice presidency is mine.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50594

Ryan

Are you holding this chair?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50595

Dwight

Yes.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50596

Ryan

'cause I feel like I'm gonna fall off.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50597

Dwight

Yes. Yes.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50598

Ryan

I'm not wearing the right shoes for this.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50599

Dwight

We went over this, ok? Your tiny fingers make the best knots.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50600

Erin

Hey Strangers. So stoked for the Sabre store opening.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50601

Erin

Hey, my name's Tabitha. I'm camped out in front of the Sabre store so I can be first in line for the new Pyramid. Psst. It's me Erin. Dwight had me pretend to be a hipster to create hype, and it's working. There's already people camped out behind me.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50602

Nellie

Test launch day, people. Now, I would like to fill you in on a little secret about me to inspire you today. Now, I know you probably all think I'm this patrician goddess. But here's the truth. I was born in the little working class town of Basildon, and until the age of 32, I talked like this, which was bloody horrendous, innit? I came from dirt, no lower than ' what's lower than dirt?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50603

Dwight

Loam, magma, mantle, outer core, inner core.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50604

Nellie

Yeah, thank you. Loam. Bloody loam, I came from. I hit rock bottom when I auditioned for the Spice Girls. I didn't even get a callback.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50605

Jim

Which Spice Girl?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50606

Nellie

The black one. I never stood a chance.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50607

Jim

Okay.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50608

Nellie

Now, think about my journey here today, and let it inspire your journey.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50609

Dwight

Okay. Nellie, thank you. Thank you so much.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50610

Todd Packer

Yep

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50611

Dwight

Today is press day and press is gonna make or break this store. And for a tech company, press can only mean one thing ' bloggers. Dossier on bloggers. Bloggers are gross. Bloggers are obese. Bloggers have halitosis. You're gonna love 'em. Ryan is going to be the main event today. He is the pitchman who is going to give the feisty yet profound speech worthy of a world's fair. Ryan, you ready to do this?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50612

Ryan

When people see this presentation, they're gonna in their pants.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50613

Dwight

Okay.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50614

Jim

Come on, man.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50615

Cathy

Seriously disgusting.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50616

Dwight

Cathy, you will be the hot girl who talks to bloggers.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50617

Cathy

Ugh. Kill me. That was my idea.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50618

Dwight

Packer, you will be the sexual predator who has come to prey on the trendy teenage girls who are obsessed with the Pyramid.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50619

Todd Packer

Uh'

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50620

Nellie

Uh' that is excellent.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50621

Todd Packer

I don't see what that gets us, but I'm a team player.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50622

Dwight

Perfect casting, right?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50623

Todd Packer

Schrute's out to get me. But I'm playing the long game. As soon as he messes up, I swoop in like a sexual predator.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50624

Nellie

I want to create a sense of wonder and enthusiasm as if, at the end of E.T., candy poured out of the screen. Do you understand? I wanna get goose pimples.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50625

Dwight

Speaking of pimples, let's release the BLOGGERS!

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50626

Andy

Morning, everyone.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50627

Kevin

Oh, Andy, guess what happened to me this morning?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50628

Andy

Don't care. Tell me later.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50629

Kevin

Listen, it's important. You've gotta hear this.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50630

Andy

What do you got?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50631

Kelly

Oh, my god!

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50632

Phyllis

Do you have a black eye?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50633

Andy

Yes, I do. Phyllis.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50634

Kevin

I woke up at 4 am by accident in time for the paper to be delivered. Guess what?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50635

Andy

What?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50636

Kevin

It's not a kid on a bike. It's a man in a car.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50637

Darryl

Andy, who punched you?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50638

Meredith

Hey, I was on the can. What's this about a black guy in the office?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50639

Angela

Black eye, Meredith.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50640

Kelly

Will someone please explain what's going on here? Since the interesting thing happened til now, so much time has passed, it's like my life is buffering.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50641

Andy

Here's what happened. Pam and I were arriving for the day. And there was a gang in the parking lot on bikes, on, on motorcycles. And they were just hassling Pam'

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50642

Pam

That's true.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50643

Andy

They had, uh' weapons.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50644

Pam

Weapons.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50645

Andy

I just stepped in to talk some sense into them.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50646

Pam

But these were not the kind of people who use their words.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50647

Andy

Punches were going, and I ducked a few, landed a couple, and I was fighting them off. It was totally, like, like, senseless crime.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50648

Pam

Thank goodness he was there.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50649

Oscar

Good job Andy.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50650

Kevin

Yeah

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50651

Andy

I didn't do anything any of you wouldn't have done.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50652

Dwight

Open the gates! There's plenty for everyone. No need to panic. There's plenty for everyone!

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50653

Man

Quit it.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50654

Dwight

There's plenty. Don't stampede. No need to stampede, sir.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50655

Erin

I was ahead of you!

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50656

Dwight

Okay, okay. Hey, hey. It's gonna be fine. It's gonna be fine. There's plenty of Pyramids.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50657

Erin

Come on. I was in line before you.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50658

Cathy

So you're a blogger right?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50659

Blogger

Yeah. Blogger.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50660

Cathy

God, stay away. Oh, I always get in trouble around bloggers. I'm trying to be a good girl for once.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50661

Erin

Uh yeah. I already bought my Pyramid, but I don't want to leave yet. I haven't had so much fun since seeing' zoo-Ey Desh-channel at the Couch-arilla music festival. So fun.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50662

Oscar

How can we feel safe knowing that there are gangs here? We should call the police right now!

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50663

Andy

No.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50664

Angela

Yes.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50665

Andy

No, no, no, no, no, we don't need to call the police. They'll just ask everybody questions, get up in everyone's business, right, Pam?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50666

Pam

Police are a hassle. We settled this on the street.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50667

Andy

And my eye will heal. But if the police come, then we will forever stain our neighborhood as a troubled area.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50668

Angela

Why would you care what the police think of our neighborhood?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50669

Andy

Because I have neighborhood Pride. 1-8-5-0-5.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50670

Pam

1-8-5-0-5.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50671

Darryl

Guys, guys. That's so vague. You gotta do the zip plus four. 1-8-5-0-5 dash 7-4-2-7.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50672

Phyllis

Look, I don't feel safe. I think we should call the police.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50673

Angela

Yes.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50674

Andy

Exactly. We need to feel safe, which is why' Toby is giving us self defense training.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50675

Toby

Me?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50676

Andy

Right Toby? Will you teach us self defense?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50677

Toby

Yeah, um... I can't believe you remembered. I do self-defense. Um, I'll go put on my cup.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50678

Andy

Great.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50679

Nellie

Yes!

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50680

Blogger

Okay.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50681

Nellie

I wasn't really sure which one of you is Chuck.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50682

Jim

Yeah, no, it seems to be going great. Andy got beat up by a fifth grade girl?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50683

Blogger

Look at that guy. He's got his Sabre phone on, and he's not even using it.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50684

Blogger 2

This is a perfect photo for my Daily Fail blog.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50685

Jim

Uh, I - I gotta go. Okay.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50686

Nellie

Dwight, what is a fail? That sounds bad.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50687

Dwight

Oh, no, no, no. It's good. It's really -- on the Internet, it's a really -- that's a really good, good, thing.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50688

Dwight

Are you trying to sabotage this entire event?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50689

Jim

I'm very sorry.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50690

Nellie

We gave you an Arrowhead for free for the day. How hard would it have been to do this, hmmm? 'Hello. Hi sweetie. It's Jim. I'm calling you from the new Arrowhead, which is why my voice is crystal clear. And my hand will never get tired because of the ergonomic shape.'

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50691

Jim

I'm really sorry. Is there anything I can do, maybe pretend to be Chuck?

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50692

Dwight

You could have pretended to be Chuck. I begged you to pretend to be Chuck, but you chose to be yourself, and you can no longer be Chuck! Surrender the tripack. You know what you have to do.

Season 8 · Episode 17 · Line 50693

"Test the Store" Quotes