Every line from The Office season 8, episode 14, in script order. First aired February 9, 2012.
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Jim
Oh ho! Look who's back reporting for duty.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49720
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Pam
Hey guys!
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49721
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All
Hey.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49722
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Pam
Hi.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49723
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Andy
Pam! Ahh! Look what I can do now that she's no longer pregnant. Bam! Bam! Bam! Bam!
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49724
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Phyllis
Are you glad to be back?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49725
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Pam
Yeah. Yeah, I mean I could have used another week, or three.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49726
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Stanley
You still had eight weeks more than we did.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49727
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Pam
Well, it's not exactly a vacation.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49728
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Angela
Hello everyone! Remember little old me. Hi!
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49729
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Dwight
What are you doing here? You just had our baby. Our collective Dunder Mifflin...family baby. Four days ago.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49730
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Angela
I wanted to come back to work. Not everybody needs some long luxurious Parisian maternity leave.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49731
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Pam
What?!
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49732
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Kelly
Damn girl! Your body!
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49733
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Oscar
Angela, you look amazing.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49734
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Angela
Really? I feel like this big rhinoceros. Anyway, I wanted to thank you guys for covering for me so I made some treats. I've got brownies and magic cookie bars.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49735
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Group
[murmurs of delight as people shuffle toward the treats]
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49736
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Pam
Oh Angela, those brownies have walnuts in them and I think Kevin's allergic to walnuts. You're allergic to walnuts, right Kevin?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49737
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Kevin
Extremely, but I'm gonna fight through it.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49738
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Pam
Aw. It's OK Angela. I have mommy brain too.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49739
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Angela
I don't know what that is, Pam. I made a batch with no nuts, special for you Kevin, right here.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49740
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Pam
When did you find time to do all this?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49741
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Angela
Babies sleep a lot Pam, if you feed them enough. Brownie Pam?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49742
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Pam
Thank you. Oh my gosh. It's really good.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49743
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Angela
I wouldn't know, I'm watching my weight. Ugh.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49744
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Pam
So you guys, you know what's an even more useful treat...is cash. So-
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49745
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Jim
Nope. It's over.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49746
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Pam
...we wanted to say thank you-
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49747
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Jim
Nope. OK.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49748
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Andy
Dwight, I have exciting news for you.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49749
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Dwight
What?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49750
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Andy
I think you're going to like it.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49751
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Dwight
You can't tantalize me.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49752
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Andy
Oooh, maybe I can. I got an email... from corporate....that told me that...
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49753
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Dwight
OK.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49754
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Andy
That...you got a promotion! Right? I mean that's not the kinda thing you wanna read quietly at your desk.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49755
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Dwight
If you make me head of sales one more time, I swear.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49756
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Andy
No, this is legit. You will be assembling a team to go to Tallahassee for three weeks to develop and launch a chain of Sabre stores.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49757
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Dwight
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes, yes, yes, hi-yes! Yeah yeah yeah yeah!
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49758
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Dwight
The Shrutes have a word for when everything comes together in a man's life perfectly: Perfectinschlag. Hmm. Right now, I am in it. I finally get a chance to prove myself to corporate, I am assembling a competent team, I am likely a father, I am so deep inside of perfectinschlag right now. And just to be clear, there is a second definition, 'perfect pork anus' which I don't mean.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49759
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Erin
And here's the fax for you.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49760
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Andy
And here's some facts for you. Did you know frogs can hear with their lungs? And that flamingos can have orgasms that last 30 minutes.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49761
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Erin
Ah! Love to learn.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49762
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Andy
Yeah, it's weird that I said that last one.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49763
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Erin
So...
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49764
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Andy
Uh yeah, look at that.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49765
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Erin
We're pin twins.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49766
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Andy
Pin twins! This is a gift from Jessica, kind of a gag gift really. Real gifts come later.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49767
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Erin
Yeah. That's cute. When I saw it in CVS it made me gag too.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49768
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Erin
For a while there I thought something would change. But nope. Andy's still with Jessica, they even carpool together most days. I don't know, I wouldn't mind carpooling every day with Andy, but I wouldn't want to spend that much time with Jessica.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49769
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Darryl
What do we have here?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49770
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Darryl
Val knit me a beanie. But I can't if it's a 'we're just friends' beanie or a 'I'm hot, you're hot, let's get it poppin'' beanie. So I'm gonna up the ante, give her a clearly romantic gift, and we'll get to the meaning of the beanie.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49771
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Dwight
Pam, pack up your post-natal swimwear, make it a one piece or this offer is rescinded, and join me on a fantastic barbeque one week from today in Tallahassee, Florida where I'm going to be living for the next three weeks.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49772
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Pam
Really?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49773
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Dwight
Mm hm.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49774
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Pam
I'll fly anywhere for some good barbeque.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49775
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Jim
Ooh, me three.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49776
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Dwight
Eh! No plus one's. This is for competent workers only. And don't worry about the cost, Sabre is footing the bill.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49777
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Pam
Does this have anything to do with what you were talking to Andy about?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49778
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Dwight
God, you're such a spy.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49779
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Darryl
Notice anything different about me?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49780
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Val
You're wearing the beanie. You like it?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49781
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Darryl
Super comfortable. Like sweatpants for my head.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49782
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Nate
I love it too Val. It's it's really itchy, uh but to be fair my head is constantly itching so I can't really peg it on the hat.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49783
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Darryl
Wow. It's like the nation of Islam down here.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49784
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Val
I like to knit, don't hate. And who's that for?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49785
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Darryl
Oh, this is a gift, for....my man Nate here.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49786
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Nate
What?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49787
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Darryl
Yeah.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49788
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Nate
Darryl, you shouldn't have.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49789
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Darryl
Hey.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49790
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Nate
Can I open it?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49791
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Darryl
No, no, no. Maybe just later.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49792
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Nate
Ah, I can't wait. I'm sorry. I get too excited. Darryl.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49793
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Val
Wow. Those are really nice.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49794
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Nate
They're so elegant.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49795
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Val
Cashmere.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49796
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Nate
How'd you know?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49797
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Darryl
Just a hunch. Your gift is on the way.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49798
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Val
Can't wait.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49799
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Nate
'I'm glad you're in my life. Happy Valentine's Day.' Ugh, Darryl. I am glad to be in your life too. Oh, your card is more beautiful than the gloves.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49800
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Dwight
My first task as special project manager Dwight Shrute? Assembling a crack team. I need people who are loyal. People who'll help me get an inroad with the gay Hispanic community. People who won't be missed. We don't need idiots, good for nothing's, methheads or... What's your name?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49801
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Kathy
Kathy.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49802
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Dwight
Kathy.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49803
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Jim
I just got a text from Robert California that says 'bring your clubs to Florida'.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49804
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Pam
Why? Does he think you're going to Florida?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49805
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Jim
I hope not. Because I am not going. Two question marks?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49806
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Pam
No, just do one. Two question marks is kind of aggressive. You know it's like wha-what?? Just do one.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49807
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Andy
You wanna take Darryl, Phyllis, Toby, Angela and Oscar?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49808
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Dwight
Yes.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49809
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Andy
Can I interest you in someone less essential? Like uh a Creed or a Meredith perhaps?
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49810
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Dwight
Oh my god.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49811
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Andy
They're not expendable exactly, I just can't...I can't think of the word I'm trying to find.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49812
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Dwight
Are you kidding me?! I'm supposed to get in an airplane with those nincompoops? We'd never get off the runway.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49813
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Andy
Alright, look. I gotta keep this office functioning somehow. So, I have put together a list, here's your team. Darryl and Phyllis you can have, but you're also taking Kathy, Kelly and Kevin.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49814
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Dwight
Oh god.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49815
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Andy
You have your team.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49816
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Dwight
Kevin!? Kelly!? Kathy!? Andy just gave me a chain with three weak links. Have you ever tried to use a chain with three weak links? I have. And now I no longer own an arctic wolf.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49817
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Pam
Well, let's hear it.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49818
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Jim
'Robert, Hey!' Exclamation point.
Season 8 · Episode 14 · Line 49819