Every line from The Office season 7, episode 23, in script order. First aired May 12, 2011.
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Andy
Dwight, guns make me really uncomfortable.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45065
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Dwight
The gun is just an accessory to the holster, okay? I can't walk around wearing an empty holster.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45066
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Pam
Why do you need to wear the holster at all?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45067
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Dwight
Why do you need to keep wearing those booby shirts all the time?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45068
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Angela
Thank you.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45069
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Phyllis
You could put your cell phone in it instead.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45070
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Dwight
Uh... hello!
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45071
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Kevin
You could put a banana in it.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45072
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Dwight
Why would I put a banana in my holster?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45073
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Kevin
In case you weren't hungry now, but you got hungry later.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45074
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Pam
Dwight, no gun, okay? Don't make us call Jo.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45075
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Dwight
Okay. All right. Fine. Everyone calm down. Someone get me a banana. Sorry I freaked you guys out - aah!
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45076
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Erin
Andy!
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45077
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Andy
Aah! Aah! It's so loud!
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45078
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Oscar
My God. There is a hardwood floor underneath this carpeting. Why would they do that?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45079
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Andy
Eeeeeeee... There's like this crazy ringing going on. I can't - eeeeeee... I can't find perfect C.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45080
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Meredith
Okay, everyone make a list of what's lost for the insurance. I lost a necklace, a ring, a painting-
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45081
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Toby
Hey, what happened?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45082
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Kelly
Dwight went on a shooting spree, and then he shot Andy in the head.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45083
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Dwight
No, no, no. All we know is that a gun fired. That's all we know! No. That's not true. Actually, we heard a loud noise. Later, a hole was seen. No one saw the bullet leave the gun.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45084
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Andy
Something's definitely wrong.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45085
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Oscar
I'll look on WebMD. What are your symptoms?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45086
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Angela
Oh, everybody. Oscar found a reason to look on WebMD.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45087
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Oscar
Firewall.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45088
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Gabe
I can't reach Jo. She must already be on the plane.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45089
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Dwight
Okay, why are you calling Jo?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45090
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Andy
I think I should go the hospital.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45091
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Erin
I'll go with you.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45092
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Gabe
No! We really shouldn't be without a receptionist. Now more than ever.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45093
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Darryl
I'll take him.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45094
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Andy
Thank you, Darryl.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45095
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Darryl
What's wrong with you?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45096
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Andy
It's my ear.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45097
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Darryl
Yeah.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45098
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Andy
Okay, sorry.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45099
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Toby
Oh, I should get the accident report binder. I've never used the gun violence forms before.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45100
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Gabe
I'm gonna keep trying Jo.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45101
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Dwight
Okay, everyone! Conference room, right now!
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45102
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Dwight
Yee-haw! Whoo-hoo! Howdy, partners! It's me, Gun-Safety Dwight! And I'm the rootin'-est-- I can't do this. Um, look. Obviously, a gun went off under my watch, and I'm launching a full investigation.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45103
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Stanley
We all saw you do it.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45104
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Dwight
Really? You did? What hand was I holding the gun in? What did Andy's tie look like?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45105
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Erin
Navy blue. Little red anchors.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45106
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Dwight
I have no way of knowing if that's true.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45107
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Toby
I am supposed to collect eyewitness accounts. Who saw Dwight do this?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45108
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Dwight
Okay, really?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45109
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Toby
Would you consider this a terrorist incident?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45110
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Ryan
I felt terrorized.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45111
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Dwight
Come on.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45112
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Toby
Oh, there's a whole 'nother terrorism booklet for that.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45113
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Dwight
I just really, really think we should handle this internally.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45114
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Ryan
Dwight, why is it on us to protect you?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45115
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Dwight
Because you guys are my best friends, and I mean that. Managing you for this last week has been the greatest honor of my life. And if you ruin this, I will burn this office to the ground. And I mean that figuratively. Not literally. Because you guys are so... so important... to me. I love you guys. But don't cross me. But you're the best.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45116
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Andy
Hey. We're back.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45117
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Dwight
There he is! Our hero! You look fantastic. How you doing? Here, tell us your war stories.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45118
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Andy
Well, I burst my eardrum. Doctor said it could take weeks to heal.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45119
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Dwight
Did they say what caused it? Because I know you like putting Q-tips deep into your ear canal.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45120
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Andy
Yeah.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45121
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Phyllis
How's your hearing?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45122
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Andy
Temporary deafness in one ear. It was both ears. I couldn't hear a thing Darryl was saying while we were in the waiting room.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45123
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Darryl
I was talking like this. I don't feel good about it, but he just kept calling himself a gunshot victim and it got to me.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45124
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Kelly
Dwight, I would like tomorrow off so that I can go on my American Idol audition.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45125
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Dwight
American Idol? What? No.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45126
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Kelly
Okay. I guess I can just not go. Do you guys wanna hear my solo?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45127
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Dwight
No.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45128
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Kelly
Why did my temporary boss go on a shooting spree?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45129
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Dwight
Okay, fine. You can go on your singing audition.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45130
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Phyllis
Okay, well, then I want an extra vacation day.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45131
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Angela
Pet Day! I want Pet Day back - no dogs.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45132
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Kevin
Put back everything in the vending machine except the fruit.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45133
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Dwight
I put everything back in the vending machine.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45134
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Kevin
Put everything back in the vending machine except... the fruit.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45135
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Pam
You have to get rid of all your weapons. All of them. Including killer fish.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45136
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Dwight
Okay.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45137
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Jim
Oh, is it my turn? Ooh, I'm on the spot. I don't know. Um... you know what? I think I'm good.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45138
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Dwight
Thank God.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45139
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Jim
Nope. When Jo's here, can you work in 'Shagadelic, baby,' at least three times in a conversation? Oh, and when I cough can you do jazz hands?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45140
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Dwight
What's jazz hands?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45141
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Jim
[quickly shakes his hands back and forth]
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45142
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Dwight
Fine.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45143
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Dwight
[leaves the men's room with an empty fish tank after flushing the toilet]
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45144
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Kevin
What the is that? Oh, my...
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45145
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Jo Bennett
Hey, all! Cornelius, Bobo, have at it. Nobody let my dogs hump each other. They don't seem to know they're brothers.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45146
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Dwight
Hello, Jo. Welcome. Well, shall we begin?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45147
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Jo Bennett
Slow yourself down there. Just like a man. Wants to jump right into it while I still got my socks on. Jim Halpert - the only man that ever turned me down.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45148
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Jim
Well, I don't know about that. Just wasn't for me. But let me assure you, Dwight is firing on all cylinders. Right?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45149
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Jo Bennett
Well, some pretty big shoes to fill. I was sorry to hear about Deangelo. He was a good man. Tragic.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45150
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Dwight
Well, what can you do? Life.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45151
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Andy
We have to clean this up now!
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45152
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Erin
She had so much -
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45153
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Gabe
Hey, guys.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45154
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Erin
Hey.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45155
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Gabe
Hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45156
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Andy
No!
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45157
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Gabe
Hey, Andy, did you tell Erin about our conversation earlier when you said you would never want to date her again?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45158
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Andy
Uh...
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45159
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Gabe
I just thought that it was so interesting that you promised that.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45160
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Andy
Did I say that earlier? Yes, I did. Because you, Gabe, were crying...
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45161
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Gabe
No, I was not.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45162
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Andy
And sobbing uncontrollably. Yes. Uh-huh. You were in hysterics. And my maternal instincts kicked in. Is it actually how I feel? Yes. Or no. That is... between me and my diary.
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45163
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Dwight
Oscar, can you print out last year's sale statements?
Season 7 · Episode 23 · Line 45164