Every line from The Office season 7, episode 17, in script order. First aired February 24, 2011.
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Jim
Well, I mean he humped Michael.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43362
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Holly
Well if that's the case, I guess I've gotta be fired too.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43363
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Andy
Hey! Hey you guys! The Armeth Regado video is up, gather around! Check it out! This guy's on a full beam reach. They're hiking out like mad! Lock 'em up! Lock 'em up! Nice job! Ughh. This computer's a hunk of jjunk.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43364
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Erin
Hey sailor! Come watch it over here!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43365
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Andy
Where did you get this?!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43366
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Erin
Pam gave it to me!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43367
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Andy
This is a sick computer! Gwen Stefani has this computer! Uhhh, Pamela! What does a guy have to do to get, ahem, one of them?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43368
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Pam
You have a computer Andy.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43369
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Andy
Yeah, but if you donated my computer to Africa, it would become world famous as the slowest computer in Africa. So...
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43370
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Pam
Ok, but listen. We just don't have the budget for it. Okay? Reception needed a computer so we got one.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43371
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Andy
Well Andy's desk needs a computer. And, I mean, it's just kinda a coincidence that I work there, but...
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43372
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Pam
Yes, but Reception is a one person department. If I get you a new computer I have to get one for everyone in sales. For Dwight, for Stanley, it would be crazy.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43373
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Stanley
So something good happening to Stanley is crazy now?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43374
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Andy
I'm not asking for one, I need it.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43375
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Phyllis
If you're just handing them out, I want one too.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43376
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Andy
Phyllis, no body is handing anything out.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43377
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Pam
See, this is what I'm talking about.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43378
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Andy
What are you gonna play mange on faster?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43379
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Pam
Sorry Andy.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43380
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Todd Packer
Hey what's going on you guys? Yeahh! Three muska-queers!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43381
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Kevin
Mean but good!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43382
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Holly
So, Todd, this must be nice for you getting off the road. You get to spend some time with your daughter.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43383
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Todd Packer
I don't know, I love her and all, but she turned into a bitch. Mostly she's great, but some days she acts like her mom.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43384
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Holly
Well, some girls go through a phase.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43385
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Kevin
Hey, your life is so insane! You should write a book!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43386
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Todd Packer
Since when did you learn how to read?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43387
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Kevin
I do know how to read though!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43388
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Todd Packer
Yeah. You know how to read... a menu!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43389
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Kevin
He's right. I mean, I could lose some weight.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43390
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Dwight
Kevin, in sumo culture, you'd be considered a promising up and comer.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43391
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Pam
What the heck! Why do you have Erin's computer!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43392
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Andy
It's crazy, right? Erin just wanted me to have it, so we switched.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43393
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Pam
What? Erin is that true?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43394
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Erin
I just thought, he really needed a new computer, and he knew so much about that one.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43395
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Pam
Erin, it's not up to you. This computer was for reception! Okay? It's not yours to give away.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43396
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Andy
Pam, when I'm freaking out, I just sorta step back and-
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43397
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Pam
I'm not freaking out, Andy.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43398
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Andy
-take a few breaths, and then I ask myself: Is this worth freaking out about?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43399
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Pam
Andy, why should she have your crappy computer?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43400
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Andy
That's interesting. So you also think my computer is crappy.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43401
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Pam
Switch the computers back Andy.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43402
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Andy
Seriously?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43403
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Pam
Seriously.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43404
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Andy
Pam! Come on!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43405
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Pam
Now please.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43406
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Andy
Fine! Please make sure no one is humping me!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43407
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Erin
Oh! If you're going back to the annex, could you take these to Dwight? I think the ants are waking up. They need to start farming soon. Thanks.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43408
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Michael
Best day ever. Best day ever!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43409
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Holly
So much happening.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43410
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Michael
Question, should I get stripes shaved on the side of my head?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43411
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Holly
No! No.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43412
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Michael
Please.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43413
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Holly
Did Todd tell you to do that?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43414
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Michael
Yeah, You love him right? You love him. I can tell.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43415
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Holly
I love you.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43416
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Michael
No. Not me, him.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43417
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Holly
That's certainly opinionated.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43418
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Erin
If you're not gonna take the ants over I should probably just do it myself.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43419
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Holly
Oh I'm going.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43420
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Michael
Whoa! Look, are you jealous of him? Because you think he's funnier than you? Oh honey...
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43421
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Holly
I don't think he's funnier than me.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43422
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Michael
He's funnier than me.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43423
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Holly
No, he's not funny at all.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43424
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Michael
So I'm less funny than not funny at all?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43425
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Erin
Gee! Uh oh! I think the ants are starting to eat each other!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43426
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Holly
No, what I'm saying is, he's not funny, but you're funnier than he is.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43427
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Michael
Uhm...
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43428
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Holly
Ok: Bill Cosby, Steve Martin, Charlie Bit My Finger, Michael Scott, then all the way down here Todd Packer.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43429
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Michael
That's insane!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43430
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Holly
Honey, he's a jerk.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43431
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Erin
For Pete's sake it just needs to be done!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43432
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Todd Packer
So you two are married to each other now, right?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43433
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Jim
Yeah.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43434
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Todd Packer
That's sweet. How's the sex?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43435
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Jim
[continues working]
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43436
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Dwight
Hey Packer, I made you some hot chocolate.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43437
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Todd Packer
Why?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43438
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Dwight
Cause I wanna let bygones be bygones. Show you I'm cool. You're the new guy. It's cold out. I made too much. I got this awesome hot chocolate recipe from my wife.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43439
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Jim
That's a lot of reasons!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43440
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Dwight
Drink it!
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43441
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Todd Packer
I think I'll pass. The only hot chocolate I'm into is Viva A Fox.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43442
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Jim
Can I talk to you a second?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43443
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Jim
So, this hot chocolate thing.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43444
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Dwight
None of your business.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43445
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Jim
Well, you know you can't actually poison him.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43446
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Dwight
It wasn't poison Jim, it was a laxative. People take laxatives all the time. This is just, a lot more of a laxative. Let me handle this.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43447
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Jim
I really think we should join forces on this one.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43448
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Dwight
Really.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43449
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Jim
What do we think, what would drive him crazy.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43450
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Dwight
I know.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43451
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Jim
Here we go.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43452
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Dwight
Pepto-Bismol, in his hot chocolate.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43453
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Jim
You've gotta stop with the hot chocolate stuff. I was thinking we can jam his drawers, so they only comes out two inches, then he can see everything in them but he can't get to them.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43454
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Dwight
Ooh does Edgar Allan Poe know about that one? So sinister! That wouldn't annoy a person at all! Where do you come up with this stuff?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43455
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Jim
Okay! Well this isn't my best, but call Froggy101, say that we're the tour manager for Justin Bieber, and we're giving away free tickets, we give him a number to call for the tickets, and it's his own number.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43456
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Dwight
Who is Justice Beaver?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43457
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Jim
He... It's a crime fighting beaver.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43458
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Dwight
Why don't you write up your best forty ideas and e-mail them to me. Can you do that?
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43459
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Jim
Absolutely, I'll e-mail you a hundred.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43460
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Dwight
Yeah, write up your list of one hundred, edit it down to your top forty, then e-mail it to me, and I'll read it over.
Season 7 · Episode 17 · Line 43461