Michael

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31484

Kelly

I love rivalries-- Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answEring your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31485

Michael

It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31486

Jim

I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31487

Michael

No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. I will call David Wallace.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31488

Erin

David Wallace is on line two for you guys.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31489

Michael

Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just--

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31490

Jim

Hey, David. You got Jim here.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31491

Michael

Hey David, this is Michael, senior co-manager.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31492

David Wallace

Hey guys, um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31493

Michael

Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classice big-picture decision.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31494

Jim

Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31495

David Wallace

It's probably a little of both.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31496

Michael

Which is it more of?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31497

David Wallace

Excuse me?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31498

Jim

David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31499

David Wallace

Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you-- are you texting me?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31500

Michael

I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31501

David Wallace

Look, I need you both to take care of this. This is not going to be a problem, is it?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31502

Jim

Nope, not at all.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31503

Michael

No, it will not be. I am on top of it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31504

David Wallace

Very good.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31505

Jim

Alright, thanks alot, David.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31506

Michael

Talk to you later-- Okay, you didn't let me say good-bye. Alright, I am looking forward to this.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31507

Jim

You don't have to lie.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31508

Michael

I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31509

Jim

Right.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31510

Michael

All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31511

Jim

Alright. Let's get started.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31512

Creed

Hey, why haven't we ever, um...

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31513

Meredith

We have.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31514

Michael

You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31515

Jim

Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31516

Michael

No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31517

Jim

Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31518

Michael

Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31519

Jim

It's hard to tell so far.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31520

Michael

You use your brain too much.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31521

Jim

I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31522

Michael

Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31523

Jim

You just came up with that.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31524

Michael

As I was saying it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31525

Jim

Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro-- everyone gets a little bit.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31526

Michael

Con-- you look like a nerd.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31527

Jim

Con-- no one gets as much as they did last year.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31528

Michael

Pro-- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31529

Jim

Pro-- no favoritism.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31530

Michael

Con-- you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31531

Jim

I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart-- How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31532

Kevin

Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31533

Pam

I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31534

Kevin

Like money? Like you-- you want my money?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31535

Pam

Mm-hmm.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31536

Kevin

Will you take a check?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31537

Pam

Yeah.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31538

Kevin

Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, 'To love's eternal glory.'

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31539

Pam

Okay.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31540

Kevin

Wait til' Monday.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31541

Pam

Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. oh look! 'Mrs. Pam Halpert!' That's the first time I've seen it in writing!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31542

Jim

You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31543

Michael

That will not go over well.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31544

Jim

I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us...

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31545

Michael

Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31546

Jim

I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31547

Michael

No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31548

Jim

Michael.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31549

Michael

And then another--

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31550

Jim

Look, you have a lot of strengths.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31551

Michael

Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31552

Jim

I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31553

Michael

Ha! That-- I am not known for that!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31554

Jim

But there is a reason why I'm here!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31555

Michael

Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31556

Jim

No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31557

Michael

Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31558

Jim

I don't think you're good at making tough decisions!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31559

Michael

Ah.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31560

Jim

At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31561

Michael

Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31562

Jim

But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31563

Michael

Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? You call it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31564

Jim

[leave the conference room to address everyone]

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31565

Michael

This had better be terrible.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31566

Jim

Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31567

Meredith

Wait. Seriously?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31568

Jim

Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31569

Oscar

Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31570

Angela

But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31571

Oscar

Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31572

Jim

Ooh, easy. That's not it at all.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31573

Oscar

Well?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31574

Jim

Really what it is, is about the money the sales staff brings into the office.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31575

Kelly

What's going on?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31576

Kevin

Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31577

Kelly

What the hell?! Why are you being such a jerk?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31578

Oscar

Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31579

Kelly

No! How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31580

Dwight

This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31581

Jim

Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so--

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31582

Dwight

What about all these people, huh?! How is it fair to them?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Line 31583

"The Promotion" Quotes (page 2)