Michael

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31484

Kelly

I love rivalries-- Michael or Jim, Paris or Nicole, Heidi or L.C. It's so much fun. But I guess if I'm really thinking about it and answEring your question honestly, I'd have to go with L.C. Heidi's a bad friend, and her skin is terrible.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31485

Michael

It is one thing, me giving you the co-manager title. It is another thing, you bossing me around.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31486

Jim

I'm not bossing you around. I'm trying to do my job, which is sharing your job, so maybe we should just call David Wallace.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31487

Michael

No, no, no. No, we will not call David Wallace. I will call David Wallace.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31488

Erin

David Wallace is on line two for you guys.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31489

Michael

Or David Wallace will call us on line two. Why don't we just--

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31490

Jim

Hey, David. You got Jim here.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31491

Michael

Hey David, this is Michael, senior co-manager.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31492

David Wallace

Hey guys, um, I'm calling, because, unfortunately, we will not be able to give out cost of living raises this year, and I know people expect it. However, there just is only a small amount of money for each branch, so we're leaving it up to the managers to decide how to distribute it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31493

Michael

Got it, Dave. Sounds like your classice big-picture decision.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31494

Jim

Which will clearly affect the day-to-day well-being of our employees.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31495

David Wallace

It's probably a little of both.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31496

Michael

Which is it more of?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31497

David Wallace

Excuse me?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31498

Jim

David, I know that I'm very new at this, but I have a very good perspective on how things work.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31499

David Wallace

Wait, I'm sorry. Michael, are you-- are you texting me?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31500

Michael

I thought maybe we could talk after this is over.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31501

David Wallace

Look, I need you both to take care of this. This is not going to be a problem, is it?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31502

Jim

Nope, not at all.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31503

Michael

No, it will not be. I am on top of it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31504

David Wallace

Very good.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31505

Jim

Alright, thanks alot, David.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31506

Michael

Talk to you later-- Okay, you didn't let me say good-bye. Alright, I am looking forward to this.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31507

Jim

You don't have to lie.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31508

Michael

I hate the fact that we have to do this together. I think we work better separately. When I am irritated and I look at you, I don't see you anymore.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31509

Jim

Right.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31510

Michael

All I can see is how big and gross the pores on your nose are.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31511

Jim

Alright. Let's get started.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31512

Creed

Hey, why haven't we ever, um...

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31513

Meredith

We have.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31514

Michael

You know, there's no easy way to do this. I say we add 1.5% to their paychecks and don't say anything about it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31515

Jim

Do you mean, like break-in in the middle of the night and change the numbers on payroll?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31516

Michael

No, we can do it during the day. It doesn't have to be that dramatic, Jim.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31517

Jim

Okay. You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31518

Michael

Jim, don't take this the wrong way. Are you gonna take this the wrong way?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31519

Jim

It's hard to tell so far.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31520

Michael

You use your brain too much.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31521

Jim

I'm sorry, are you advocating that I use it less?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31522

Michael

Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31523

Jim

You just came up with that.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31524

Michael

As I was saying it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31525

Jim

Yeah. Okay, so for the 1.5% increase, pro-- everyone gets a little bit.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31526

Michael

Con-- you look like a nerd.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31527

Jim

Con-- no one gets as much as they did last year.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31528

Michael

Pro-- you get to share your pros and cons list with the other nerds.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31529

Jim

Pro-- no favoritism.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31530

Michael

Con-- you unzip your pants, and you find that there's a calculator down there.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31531

Jim

I've been studying Michael for years, and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart-- How Michael spends his time. As you can see, we have procrastinating and distracting others, and this tiny sliver here is critical thinking. I made it bigger, so that you could see it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31532

Kevin

Hey, Pam, I heard that you were registered, but I didn't hear where.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31533

Pam

I don't think we registered anywhere. We just want cash.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31534

Kevin

Like money? Like you-- you want my money?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31535

Pam

Mm-hmm.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31536

Kevin

Will you take a check?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31537

Pam

Yeah.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31538

Kevin

Cool. In the memo line, I'm gonna write, 'To love's eternal glory.'

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31539

Pam

Okay.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31540

Kevin

Wait til' Monday.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31541

Pam

Is this what I've become? Materialistic? Shallow? I feel horrible. oh look! 'Mrs. Pam Halpert!' That's the first time I've seen it in writing!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31542

Jim

You know, the more I think about it, the more I think we should give it to the salesmen.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31543

Michael

That will not go over well.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31544

Jim

I know. I just think it seems smart to keep the salesmen happy right now. 'Course I know that this might come off as biased, so you know what? Let us...

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31545

Michael

Oh, my God! Are you gonna make another pro and con list? I'm gonna kill myself.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31546

Jim

I'm not gonna let you stop me from thinking.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31547

Michael

No! I could not do that, Jim. I can see it in your crusty little eyes that you are going to make everything perfect. If I can just think this through, if I could just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect, and then I can go down every avenue, and every avenue off of that avenue, and then another avenue.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31548

Jim

Michael.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31549

Michael

And then another--

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31550

Jim

Look, you have a lot of strengths.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31551

Michael

Oh, I do?! Tell me what they are.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31552

Jim

I think that you are able to take constructive criticism very well.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31553

Michael

Ha! That-- I am not known for that!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31554

Jim

But there is a reason why I'm here!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31555

Michael

Yes! You went over my head to Wallace!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31556

Jim

No, it's because you also have a lot of weaknesses, Michael!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31557

Michael

Okay. Well, why don't you tell me what those are, Jim? Why don't you enliven me?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31558

Jim

I don't think you're good at making tough decisions!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31559

Michael

Ah.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31560

Jim

At thinking out the options, and then stating that decision very clearly, especially when it's an unpopular decision.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31561

Michael

Okay, here's a tough decision for you. You suck! You suck! Is that clear enough for you?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31562

Jim

But maybe I'm here for a reason, because I might have some good ideas, too. I've been sitting out there, and I've been learning a lot, and maybe I can just bring something different to the table.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31563

Michael

Okay, Skippy, here we go. Why don't you run yourself out there and tell them? You call it.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31564

Jim

[leave the conference room to address everyone]

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31565

Michael

This had better be terrible.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31566

Jim

Could I have everyone's attention, please? I have some tough news, so I'm just gonna give it to you straight. Truth is, we only have so much money for raises this year, so the simple fact is some people will get raises, and some people won't. Now, what we've decided is, we are gonna give those raises to the sales staff.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31567

Meredith

Wait. Seriously?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31568

Jim

Look, you guys are smart, so I'm just leveling with you. I'm just trying to treat you like adults.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31569

Oscar

Thank you, Jim, for thinking that we're smart people.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31570

Angela

But, I do not understand. If we're such smart adults, then why don't we get raises?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31571

Oscar

Excellent question, genius. It's because Jim wants to give the raises to his friends and the people he sleeps with.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31572

Jim

Ooh, easy. That's not it at all.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31573

Oscar

Well?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31574

Jim

Really what it is, is about the money the sales staff brings into the office.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31575

Kelly

What's going on?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31576

Kevin

Jim is only giving raises to the salesmen.

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31577

Kelly

What the hell?! Why are you being such a jerk?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31578

Oscar

Hold on, Kelly. Would it help you to know that Jim thinks you're smart?

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31579

Kelly

No! How is that gonna repair Ryan's car?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31580

Dwight

This is ridiculous! How could he do this to us?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31581

Jim

Okay, Dwight, you know what? You'd be getting the raise so--

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31582

Dwight

What about all these people, huh?! How is it fair to them?!

Season 6 · Episode 3 · Quote 31583

"The Promotion" Quotes (page 2)