Every line from The Office season 5, episode 23, in script order. First aired April 23, 2009.
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Michael
Are you kidding me? That is insultingly low. I don't even want to hear what your first offer was.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29806
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Angela
What do you hear?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29807
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Kelly
[mumbles]
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29808
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David
Here's the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business. I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can't be making very much money. I don't know how your prices are so low, but I know it can't keep up that way. I'm sure you're scared. Probably in debt. This is the best offer you're gonna get.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29809
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Michael
I'll see your situation and I'll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you're going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don't think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29810
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David
Okay, now I don't know that I can get this. I do have to go to the board for approval. How's about $60,000. Hmm? $60,0000. Michael?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29811
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Michael
We'll have to talk--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29812
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Charles Miner
What?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29813
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Ryan
We'll have to talk about this.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29814
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Pam
Mm-hmm.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29815
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Michael
Just amongst ourselves.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29816
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David
Okay, yes. Please take the room. Be right outside. Take your time.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29817
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Michael
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29818
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Pam
$60,000.00
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29819
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Michael
We are so rich.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29820
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Pam
Are you kidding me?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29821
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Dwight
Well, Jerry, the one who got away. May I ask why you're leaving the Michael Scott Paper Company? Really? Please hold. Charles.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29822
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Charles Miner
Dwight.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29823
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Dwight
May I have your attention? The Michael Scott Paper Company is broke.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29824
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Charles Miner
What? How'd you hear that?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29825
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Dwight
They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money. That can only mean one thing. They're desperate. Which can only mean one thing. They're total failures.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29826
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Jim
Great work Dwight.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29827
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Dwight
Quiet you.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29828
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Jim
No, I mean, great detective work. 'Cause this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29829
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Dwight
You don't crack a case. That has pejorative connotation. That's like calling a policeman a cop. You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29830
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Charles Miner
So how long can they stay viable?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29831
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Jim
What are your top five cases?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29832
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Dwight
I'm gonna answer Charles first.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29833
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Jim
Because you've solved zero cases.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29834
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Dwight
Okay, one. Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm. No footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom, case closed.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29835
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Charles Miner
Okay, do not go anywhere near the conference room.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29836
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Dwight
Done.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29837
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Charles Miner
Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today. Got it?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29838
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Dwight
I'm not-- I'm not following you.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29839
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Charles Miner
You two are morons.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29840
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Jim
Got it.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29841
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Dwight
Wh--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29842
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Charles Miner
Get out.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29843
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David
So you've thought it over, yes, and you accept our offer. We can finally put this whole thing behind us? Hmm?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29844
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Michael
No.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29845
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Pam
Can you give us another minute please?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29846
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David
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29847
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Charles Miner
Oh, okay.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29848
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Pam
Michael.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29849
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Ryan
How could you do this to me, Michael? You just cost me $60,000.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29850
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Pam
Why are you assuming you'd get the whole thing?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29851
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Michael
It's a lot of money, okay. But we need money coming in every week. We need jobs. Wouldn't you rather have a fishing pole than a fish?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29852
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Ryan
I would rather have $60,000, honestly.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29853
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Pam
No, Michael's right. Jobs are safer.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29854
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Michael
Agreed?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29855
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Pam
Agreed. But that's all, okay.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29856
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Ryan
Yeah, discuss these things--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29857
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Michael
Shut up, shut up. Hello?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29858
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Michael
I want my old job back. I want my old parking space back. I want a Sebring.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29859
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Charles Miner
They don't make them anymore.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29860
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Michael
And I want Charles gone.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29861
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David
I am not firing Charles. He is very valuable.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29862
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Charles Miner
That's very kind of you to say, David.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29863
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Michael
I need him gone.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29864
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David
No.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29865
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Michael
Okay, then I want Pam back.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29866
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David
Uh, you already have a new receptionist--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29867
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Michael
Sales.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29868
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Pam
Thank you.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29869
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David
Pam's not a salesperson.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29870
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Michael
Yes, she is. At the Michael Scott Paper Company in it's heyday.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29871
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Pam
That's right.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29872
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David
Okay. Please continue.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29873
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Michael
And Ryan.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29874
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David
Ryan cost Dunder Mifflin hundreds of thousands of dollars, Michael. Ryan is--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29875
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Michael
You know, David. I don't care if Ryan murdered his entire family he is like a son to me.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29876
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David
Do you realize what you're asking for here? You're talking about salary plus health benefits--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29877
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Michael
And dental this time.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29878
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David
Insurance, taxes, social security for three people. This is a heck of a lot more than 60 grand. You're talking about a multi-million dollar buy-out.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29879
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Michael
These are our demands.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29880
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David
Your company cannot be worth that much.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29881
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Michael
Our company is worth nothing. That's the difference between you and I. Business isn't about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under, I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29882
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David
Michael--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29883
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Michael
That's one of 'em! Yes. These are our demands. This is what we want. Our balls are in your court.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29884
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David
Okay. Deal. Okay?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29885
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Michael
Can we have the room please?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29886
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David
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29887
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Ryan
Yes, yes, yes!
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29888
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Pam
Alright!
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29889
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Michael
Yes! Can you believe it? That's what I'm talking about!
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29890
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Michael
There are certain defining moments in a person's life. The day he is born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business. And the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far too early to tell. I just know that I am flying high and I don't even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29891
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Charles Miner
Hey, guys--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29892
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Michael
No, no. You're done.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29893