Every line from The Office season 5, episode 23, in script order. First aired April 23, 2009.
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Michael
It's 4:30 in the morning. Do you know where your kids are? If you are Ryan's parents or Pam's parents or my parents, you do. They're gonna be in this van. With me. Who am I? Nothing to fear. I am just a 44 year old guy with a paper route.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29606
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Michael
Time to make the donuts. Come on. Whoa! No, I promise I won't do it again. Come on. De-nied!
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29607
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Ryan
We've been making 5:00 AM deliveries for a couple weeks now. Ever since I've gotten clean there's something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29608
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Michael
Hello! Time to make the donuts! Oh, Halpert! Whoa! Boner patrol. Arrest that man! Your donuts make me go nuts! Hey Pam.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29609
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Pam
We got the van at a used car lot. We think it says 'Alleluia Church of Scranton.' in Korean. It was either this or an old school bus with an owl living in it.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29610
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Pam
You didn't happen to bring any coffee, did you, Michael?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29611
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Michael
Milk and sugar.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29612
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Pam
Oh, awesome. You're a life saver. Wait, is this just milk and sugar?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29613
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Michael
That's what I said.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29614
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Pam
Do you drink this every day?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29615
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Michael
Every morning.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29616
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Michael
We're, uh, we're doing okay. A couple weeks in and, um, we're having fun. Uh, yep. We have 20-- of those.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29617
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Pam
Oh, oh, excuse me! Sorry. Sorry, no. It's, uh, it's a paper company now. It's not for the church.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29618
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Charles Miner
Okay, who covers Bans Pet Grooming?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29619
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Jim
Oh, they're my client.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29620
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Charles Miner
No, they were your client. They just called and told us they're switching over to Michael Scott Paper Company.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29621
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Dwight
Shame, Jim. I expected more.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29622
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Charles Miner
In the last month we have lost ten major clients to Michael Scott.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29623
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Stanley
What are we supposed to do? They keep undercutting us on price.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29624
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Charles Miner
I don't want to hear excuses. I want to see improvements. This is unacceptable.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29625
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Andy
Hey, Boss. Uh, I'd just like to point out that I have been here less time than these guys.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29626
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Charles Miner
Why are you telling me this?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29627
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Andy
I just think the bar should be lower for a newbie.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29628
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Charles Miner
Is this something you really want to have said?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29629
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Andy
I don't want to have said that. But I think it's important that you know it.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29630
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Charles Miner
I don't know what to do to inspire these people. Okay, maybe it's my fault-
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29631
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Dwight
It's not your fault. Some people just don't want to be inspired.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29632
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Charles Miner
I wrote a memo to all departments asking them to find ways to save money but, uh--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29633
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Angela
Charles, I got your memo. Thank you. I want you to know I'm putting my foot down when it comes to expense reports. Waste not, want not.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29634
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Charles Miner
Uh, well said, Angela.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29635
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Dwight
Been there, done that.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29636
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Michael
You know what we need? We need some couches in here.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29637
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Ryan
Michael, we should really consider getting a delivery guy.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29638
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Michael
Oh, you know what you would love? Is if we built a loft.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29639
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Pam
Why would I love that? Can we afford a delivery guy?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29640
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Michael
Like in a dorm room. You put your desk underneath, you have your loft up top. You can sleep up top.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29641
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Pam
Yeah, I know what a loft is.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29642
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Ryan
Most dorm rooms don't even have that.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29643
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Michael
Most do in the magazines.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29644
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Ryan
Let's see what a delivery guy costs.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29645
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Michael
We should look into that. Or we just go for the loft.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29646
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David Wallace
Would you let Charles know that David is here, please? Jim, hey.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29647
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Jim
Hey, David.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29648
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Dwight
David Wallace! Hello, we've been expecting you, David Wallace. Charles and I were waiting for you.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29649
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Charles Miner
There he is. There he is. How was the trip up?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29650
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David
A lot better than a month at the Scranton Radisson, I'm sure.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29651
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Charles Miner
Oh, you know it hasn't been that bad. Hasn't been that bad. These people are the salt of the earth down here. You couldn't ask for a better way to learn a company.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29652
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David
Hmmm.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29653
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Charles Miner
I feel like I should be thanking you.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29654
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David
Uh.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29655
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Jim
[makes kissing, puckering sound]
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29656
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Charles Miner
The conference room is ready if we want to get started.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29657
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David
You know, I just want to address everyone first.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29658
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Charles Miner
Oh yeah, take your time. Stanley, pay attention.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29659
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David
Hi, everyone.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29660
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Kelly
Hi.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29661
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David
Hi. Uh, look it's no secret--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29662
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Kevin
Hi.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29663
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David
Hello. Uh, it is no secret that Michael Scott Paper has siphoned off a large chunk of our core business. And I'm here-- I just want to assure everyone that we think this is just a temporary setback.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29664
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Charles Miner
Right.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29665
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David
Okay?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29666
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Phyllis
Maybe, and I don't know, if you had just returned Michael's call none of us would've lost clients.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29667
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David
I've been wondering that myself lately. We're just gonna get started, we're gonna figure this out. Rest assured. Jim, can you come in with us please?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29668
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Charles Miner
Uh, Jim hold on. You know, David, uh, Dwight's been my guy. Okay?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29669
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David
Hmm.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29670
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Charles Miner
Yeah, Jim--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29671
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David
I find that extraordinarily surprising.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29672
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Charles Miner
He shows promise and Jim, I don't know-- I-- he's been a disappointment.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29673
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David
We'll bring them both in.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29674
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Charles Miner
Okay, great. Uh, Dwight come on in. Also, Jim.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29675
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Dwight
Come along, afterthought.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29676
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Michael
How much can we afford to pay a delivery guy?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29677
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Financial Guy
Well, if these numbers you gave me are correct--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29678
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Michael
They are correct, sir.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29679
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Financial Guy
Then you can't afford to pay him anything.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29680
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Michael
Okay. A lame attempt at humor. Swing and a miss.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29681
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Financial Guy
Your prices are too low.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29682
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Michael
Lowest in town.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29683
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Financial Guy
Why do you think Staples and Dunder Mifflin can't match your prices?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29684
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Pam
Corporate greed?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29685
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Ryan
Look, our price model is fine. I reviewed the numbers myself. Over time with enough volume, we become profitable.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29686
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Financial Guy
Yeah, with a fixed cost pricing model that's correct.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29687
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Ryan
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29688
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Financial Guy
But you need to use a variable cost pricing model.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29689
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Michael
Okay, sure. Right, so-- why don't you explain what that is to-- so that they can under-- just explain what that is.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29690
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Ryan
Explain what you think that is.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29691
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Financial Guy
Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29692
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Michael
Explain that.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29693
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Financial Guy
As you sell more paper and your company grows, so will your costs. For example, delivery man, health care...
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29694
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Michael
Well, we don't--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29695
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Financial Guy
...business expansion--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29696
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Michael
Whatever, yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29697
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Financial Guy
At these prices, the more paper you sell, the less money you'll make.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29698
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Michael
Our prices are the only thing keeping us in business.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29699
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Financial Guy
They're actually putting you out of business.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29700
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Michael
Okay, okay. Hold on, hold on. Ty, I would like you to crunch those numbers again.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29701
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Ty
It's a program. There's no such thing--
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29702
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Michael
Just crunch 'em. Just crunch 'em please.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29703
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Ty
Crunch.
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29704
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Pam
Did it help?
Season 5 · Episode 23 · Line 29705