Every line from The Office season 5, episode 17, in script order. First aired March 12, 2009.
-
Jim
...well I'm going to call corporate to make sure that they know I didn't lose half my sales.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27968
-
Michael
You didn't, but... it'll be fine. It'll be good.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27969
-
Michael
Hey. Hey. Hey. You idiot.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27970
-
Darryl
Start over.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27971
-
Michael
Sir. I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five separate boxes and some how they all ended up with Blue Cross. How does this happen?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27972
-
Darryl
Were the boxes near each other?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27973
-
Michael
Irrelevant.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27974
-
Darryl
I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27975
-
Michael
OK, I'm going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27976
-
Michael
My golden ticket idea? OK. Why would anyone think that this is my golden ticket idea? There is a one in 13 chance that this could be anybody's golden ticket idea. That...
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27977
-
Pam
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi ,David. No, I'm sorry he's not back from the Civil Rights rally. I'll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27978
-
Pam
When Michael's skirting a phone call, he gave me a list of places to say he is. 'Stopping a fight in the parking lot. ' 'An Obama fashion show. ' Whatever... that is. Or 'trapped in an oil painting.' I'm gonna save that one.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27979
-
Michael
Nobody panic. The good news is... they can't fire all of us, right?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27980
-
Oscar
They can.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27981
-
Michael
No, they can't.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27982
-
Oscar
Yes, they can.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27983
-
Michael
Oscar, you don't know what the hell you are talking about.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27984
-
Oscar
Michael, what do you think shutting down a branch is?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27985
-
Michael
Alright, then we're screwed. I am just a net that traps all of your crappy subconscious ideas and adds a little bit of my own childhood memories and whimsy, so -
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27986
-
Jim
So, well I lost a ton of money today and I have a mortgage, so I'm a little pissed too.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27987
-
Michael
Thank you, Jim is with me.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27988
-
Jim
Absolutely not, I'm mad at you.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27989
-
Michael
Well you know what Jim? It is not my fault that you bought a house to impress Pam. That is why carnations exist.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27990
-
Creed
That's not why.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27991
-
Michael
OK, we need a gold ticket idea to get us out of this mess. Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27992
-
Pam
Does that mean an idea that blows up in our faces later?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27993
-
Jim
Good one.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27994
-
Michael
OK, don't get that. Please?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27995
-
Stanley
I've got a golden ticket idea. Why don't you skip on up to the roof and jump off?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27996
-
Michael
That is not constructive.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27997
-
Pam
Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam. Oh hi, David. He's having a colonoscopy. Alright, I'll find out if he's out yet.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27998
-
Michael
Hello David. I just got back from my procedure, so--
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 27999
-
David
Michael, what the hell is going on here?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28000
-
Michael
How are you doing?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28001
-
David
Fine. What is going on?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28002
-
Michael
My colonoscopy was an examination of my large colon and the distal part of my small bowel with a camera.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28003
-
David
Why did you OK this golden ticket idea? We're going to lose a fortune, Michael. How could you let this happen?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28004
-
Michael
Well, there is an explanation that involves me not letting it happen and I just don't... I don't know.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28005
-
David
How could you not know Michael?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28006
-
Michael
I think we might have hired an outside marketing consultant.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28007
-
David
Might have hi--- OK, what firm?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28008
-
Michael
You're breaking up.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28009
-
David
Michael?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28010
-
Michael
OK, I think, it might have been an inside consultant.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28011
-
David
Was it the sales department?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28012
-
Michael
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28013
-
David
Was it Jim?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28014
-
Michael
No.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28015
-
David
OK, was it Dwight?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28016
-
Michael
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28017
-
Michael
Come on in. Good to see ya, have a seat. I just wanted to congratulate you on that great golden ticket idea.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28018
-
Dwight
That was your idea.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28019
-
Michael
Woah, wow, who told you that?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28020
-
Dwight
You did. Several times. Over and over again.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28021
-
Michael
No, I don't think I ever did. That was your idea Dwight.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28022
-
Dwight
You were dressed as Willy Wonka so...
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28023
-
Michael
I'm not taking... I'm not taking...
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28024
-
Dwight
Wasn't my idea. Loved - but I can't.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28025
-
Michael
Wait a second, wait a second, I wrote it down in my diary.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28026
-
Dwight
You don't keep a diary.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28027
-
Michael
Yes I do. You've just never seen it. March 4th. Dwight came up with the best idea today about golden tickets.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28028
-
Dwight
Hold that thought. March... 4th. Michael Scott came up with golden ticket idea to give five customers ten perfect off for one year.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28029
-
Michael
Why do you have a diary?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28030
-
Dwight
To keep secrets from my computer.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28031
-
Michael
OK, you know what? You came up with this idea. I remember you told me that you loved the Willy Wonka movie when you were growing up.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28032
-
Dwight
Impossible.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28033
-
Michael
Yes, you did.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28034
-
Dwight
I wasn't given candy as a child, so a movie that fetish-ized it that much, would have made no sense to me. Plus, we weren't allowed to see movies. So... do the math.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28035
-
Michael
What are you writing?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28036
-
Dwight
Had conversation with Michael about taking credit for an idea that wasn't mine. Discussed movies.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28037
-
Michael
Would you like to go to lunch with me? Just the two of us?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28038
-
Dwight
With all my heart.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28039
-
Kevin
You guys are throwing a lot at me.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28040
-
Jim
All I'm saying is that it's a first dates, so just keep a respectful distance.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28041
-
Kevin
Right.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28042
-
Pam
I don't think Jim means to say that you shouldn't touch her.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28043
-
Jim
No, that is what I mean.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28044
-
Pam
Shush. Kevin, a playful touch on the arm, or on the back, it can show your interest and it's really romantic.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28045
-
Kevin
Like that?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28046
-
Jim
No, stop it.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28047
-
Andy
Don't touch her. Don't talk to her. Don't look at her.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28048
-
Andy
...turn into this black and carbon brick-where this barbeque sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28049
-
Michael
We think a lot alike. Sometimes you will think something and I will say what you're thinking--
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28050
-
Dwight
OK, what am I thinking right now?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28051
-
Michael
Umm, nacho chips.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28052
-
Dwight
No... How skin is the largest organ of the body.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28053
-
Michael
Oh, OK. Let me just cut to the chase, Dwight. I want you to fall on your sword for me.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28054
-
Dwight
Oh, not gonna happen.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28055
-
Dwight
I did fall on my sword once. I was running with it in my belt. Won't happen again.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28056
-
Michael
Why do you even want to stay at Dunder Mifflin? I mean what's the point? You're cooped up in there all day. You don't get to do your farming. You're not dating Angela anymore. It doesn't matter if you get fired for taking credit for the gold ticket idea. It doesn't matter. Me on the other hand, I would be lost without this place. You, way too manly.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28057
-
Dwight
What about Shoe La La?
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28058
-
Michael
It's not ready yet.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28059
-
Michael
I have an idea for a fancy men's shoe store called Shoe La La. And it's just men's shoes for the special occasions in a man's life, like the day that you get married or the day your wife has a baby, or for just lounging around the house.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28060
-
Michael
May I have your attention please. I have an announcement. Mr. Dwight Schrute and I just returned from a wonderful stroll together and although I probably will never do it again, I had fun. I really had fun with my best friend, Dwight.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28061
-
Oscar
These aren't announcements.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28062
-
Michael
Yes they are, you just don't care about the information.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28063
-
Dwight
I love working here and I do not want to leave.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28064
-
Michael
He doesn't love it that much. Wouldn't be such a bad thing for him to be fired.
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28065
-
Dwight
Well...
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28066
-
Michael
I mean, like we were talking about that is why he has come to the conclusion...
Season 5 · Episode 17 · Line 28067