Jim

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27177

Dwight

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27178

Jim

Dwight. This, fits in the palm of my hand. You haven't blown 'em up enough. Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27179

Dwight

They match the carpet

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27180

Jim

What is that? It is your birthday period.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27181

Dwight

It's a statement of fact.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27182

Jim

Not even an exclamation point?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27183

Dwight

This is more professional. It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27184

Jim

I can't believe how bad this looks.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27185

Dwight

Are you trying to hurt my feeling? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27186

Jim

Okay, good then.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27187

Dwight

Have you collected the money from everyone?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27188

Jim

I am working on it.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27189

Dwight

How much do you have?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27190

Jim

Six dollars.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27191

Dwight

That's how much you and I contributed! I... Damn it Jim!

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27192

Jim

I said I was working on it.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27193

Dwight

[sighs]

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27194

Andy

Trying to see what CD's she got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing. Eh, Aha! Fiest. Yes! Whoa! Aah, Aah!

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27195

Michael

NO! Oh, my God. Oh, No. That is so awful. That is the worst news. I have to go. I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you... This is going to be hard for me to speak today. Because I just learned that my father has died. ... No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator. But you bought it! And now you can't return it. Or can you? No you can't. Yes. Karen, do you need to go pump?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27196

Karen

Not gonna have to do that, till after I have the baby. No, I am wondering. What are you talking about?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27197

Michael

I am talking about, how you all need to sell an experience. Like I sold you on the idea that my father had died.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27198

Karen

But now we think you're a liar.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27199

Michael

Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27200

Michael

I am a theatrical person. Growing up, I always thought I would become an actor. Because I have, these memorization tricks that I use. Um, for instance, I learned the Pledge of Allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God. With a woof-woof here, and a woof-woof there. Here a woof, there a woof. Everywhere a woof, woof. Um, you get it.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27201

Michael

I don't know you. But I need to know you in order to sell to you. That is why I have asked you to go around and tell me you names. I have an amazing mnemonic device, by which I have memorized all of your names. Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy, sugar boobs, black woman. I have taken a unique part of who you are, and I have used that to memorize your name. Baldy, your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny, it is reflective like a mirror. 'M' your name is Mark.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27202

Mark

Yes.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27203

Michael

Got it. It works.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27204

Karen

Uh, it's very insulting.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27205

Michael

But it works. I would like you all to give this a shot. What do you say?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27206

Mark

But we already know each other's names.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27207

Michael

Well, then it will be easier for you. But I, I still think it's worthwhile, to give a, give it a try.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27208

Karen

Okay. All right everyone, meeting's over.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27209

Michael

Oh, I still have more.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27210

Karen

Can I please see you in my office, please?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27211

Michael

She is pregnant. She is knocked up. 'K' Karen. Pam, let's go.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27212

Julia

I can't accept these prices, Stanley. They just cut our budget.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27213

Andy

Brought you guys some coffees. Stanley, I know you have adult onset diabetes. So I put Splenda in yours. Let's see. How many did I put in there? One, Two, Three, Four Splenda's in your coffee, Stanley. None in yours, Julia, cause I don't know how you take it. But if you'd rather...

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27214

Stanley

Four Splenda. Are you crazy?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27215

Andy

Well, No, I actually only put in two. But that's not how the songs goes.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27216

Stanley

Are you out of your damn mind?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27217

Andy

Are you out of your damn mind? You bring an angel like that into this office, and you don't even set me up with her.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27218

Stanley

We're not friends. I didn't think about it.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27219

Andy

We are friends. Stanley, we're friends. And you let me down.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27220

Stanley

You really like her, huh?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27221

Andy

Yeah. I really like her with all my heart.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27222

Stanley

Give me two clients for her.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27223

Michael

I grab this, and I turn it on and I say, 'Prepare yourself, for the Utica chain store massacre.'

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27224

Karen

No that's, that is incredibly dangerous.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27225

Michael

No, don't worry, the chain is off.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27226

Pam

No it's not.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27227

Karen

You know, I think I'm just gonna distill all this, and send it in an email to my team.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27228

Michael

Email's not scary. This is an opportunity. Don't, don't blow it.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27229

Pam

So when are you due?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27230

Karen

Uh, in about a month.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27231

Pam

Wow, that is wonderful, congratulations.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27232

Karen

Thank you. It just all happened so fast.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27233

Michael

It's really amazing. Congratulations Karen. So is there a guy or, uh, a person. Or, uh, a sperm machine that did this to you, or?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27234

Karen

Yes, Michael. My husband impregnated me.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27235

Michael

Oh, great.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27236

Karen

His name is Dan, uh, this is us. So dorky.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27237

Pam

Oh, he's cute.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27238

Karen

Yeah, he's so cute. He's a dermatologist. We met a bar. Can you believe that?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27239

Pam

What is happening there?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27240

Karen

Oh, yeah. Don't even. That's really dorky.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27241

Pam

It's really sweet.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27242

Michael

No, it's really dorky. You were right the first time.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27243

Karen

So, how are things in Scranton? How's Jim?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27244

Pam

Uh, they're good. Uh, Jim's good. We're engaged.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27245

Karen

That's so great. That's great.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27246

Pam

Thank you.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27247

Karen

Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27248

Michael

Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27249

Stanley

I have to take care of a couple things. So Andy will be taking over things here. You're in good hands, and give my best to your mother.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27250

Andy

So Julia, um, let's see. With regards to, uh, billing. Should we send bills to you, or to your boyfriend's house or?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27251

Julia

No, it could go straight to our business address.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27252

Andy

Oh Okay, all right. That makes sense. How does your boyfriend, deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you, or?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27253

Julia

Actually, I, I don't have a boyfriend.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27254

Andy

Really? Is that... wow, that's so weird.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27255

Andy

Guys, stop everything. I'm about to ask out this girl, and I'm completely panicking.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27256

Oscar

Oh, my desk is over...

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27257

Creed

This gal, she's really into you?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27258

Andy

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I've seen her, like, three times today. And we love all the same music, and whenever I walk into a room, she totally looks up.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27259

Creed

All right, all right. Say no more. So, this is how I got squeaky fromme. No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27260

Andy

Okay, it sounds risky.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27261

Creed

Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27262

Andy

Wait, what?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27263

Michael

I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen. Wow, kind of mean.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27264

Pam

I like her.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27265

Michael

Really? No, honestly. Tell me what you really think.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27266

Pam

I'm serious. Um, I'm really glad I came.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27267

Michael

Why?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27268

Pam

Because, um, cause I'll never wonder ever again. If I did something wrong and... Now I have closure. She's happy and, I don't know, it feels good.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27269

Julia

Thanks for walking me out.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27270

Andy

Oh, my pleasure. Yeah, there's all kinds of weirdo's out here, so...

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27271

Julia

You must be freezing.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27272

Andy

I am about to die. Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27273

Julia

Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27274

Andy

Okay, Okay. Well listen, you're a new client, and as one of my new clients, you will always be taken care of. And that is the Nard-Dog guarantee.

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27275

Julia

What's a 'Nard-Dog'?

Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27276

"Lecture Circuit (Part 1)" Quotes (page 2)