Every line from The Office season 5, episode 14, in script order. First aired February 5, 2009.
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Michael
[breathing heavy over intercom, starts laughing]
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27077
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Jim
This morning the phone guy comes in, and he shows Michael that the phones have a PA function. And then he just left.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27078
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Michael
This is your captain speaking, the office will be flying at an altitude of two stories. Look out your left hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration. I am the ghost of salesman past, do not come near me. Yes Michael Scott for Dr. Jocelyn, please. Hello doctor I was just following up on my mole again. No, I was looking online about sebaceous cysts. I have not been squeezing it.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27079
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Jim
[disgusted groan]
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27080
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Michael
Could I stick it with a pin?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27081
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Pam
Ugh.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27082
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Michael
Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called, and it appears that you wet the bed again. So you have to get home to wash your sheets because they are yellow and they're wet with your urine.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27083
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Jim
[sighs and knocks on Michaels door]
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27084
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Michael
You, and at six foot six, from the University of North Carolina, Jiiiiim Halpeeeeert.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27085
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Jim
That's pretty funny. Hey you know what? Did I drop my, uh...
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27086
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Michael
What?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27087
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Jim
What the heck? Is that, uh...
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27088
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Michael
You find it?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27089
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Jim
I didn't, I'll look somewhere else.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27090
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Michael
All right.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27091
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Jim
All right.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27092
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Michael
Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27093
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Michael
Hello, good morning.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27094
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Pam
Good morning.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27095
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Michael
You ready? And we're off, like a herd of turtles.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27096
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Michael
Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually we just robbed a bank, and we are on the lam. No, uh, seriously, I am on a lecture circuit. Apparently Scranton has the best sales of any regional branch. So David Wallace has asked me to go to all the branches, except Nashua, still a little bit raw there. Um, but I am going to these branches and sharing my secret recipe for success. My 11 business herbs and spices, in a sales batter. Oh that, well, that is Pam. Pam is coming along as my assistant and my driver so I can focus. And I like to pack heavy.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27097
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Pam
He brought a sled.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27098
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Michael
No! That is a toboggan, you never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill so... Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27099
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Pam
Yeah. I love being on the road, but I especially love the time and a half pay 24 hours a day, for three days. Cause I have a mortgage now, got a bring home the bucks.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27100
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Michael
Yeah, oh don't say bucks, it's not lady like. Here we go! Okay so what we do is drive all day and we stay in hotels together at night.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27101
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Pam
Separate rooms.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27102
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Michael
Well that goes without saying.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27103
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Pam
I'm going to say it anyway.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27104
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Michael
Hey! Look at what you're wearing again, Pam. Have you ever seen a magician's assistant? That's...
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27105
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Pam
This is a new cardigan.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27106
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Michael
...kind of Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath or something.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27107
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Pam
No.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27108
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Michael
No. Oh, all right.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27109
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Jim
Hey, Kelly.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27110
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Kelly
Screw you.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27111
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Dwight
Excuse me, that is no way to address a superior.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27112
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Kelly
Oh yeah? Screw you too.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27113
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Jim
Whoa! What was that all about.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27114
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Phyllis
You forgot her birthday, it was yesterday.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27115
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Jim
Go ahead.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27116
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Dwight
Go ahead, you do it.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27117
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Jim
Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27118
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Dwight
I insist.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27119
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Jim
Basically after Phyllis blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them to both step down from the party planning committee cause there was too much drama.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27120
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Dwight
What he said was...
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27121
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Jim
Just, easy.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27122
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Dwight
...there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee. She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27123
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Jim
Party planning is literally the stupidest thing I have ever done in my life.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27124
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Dwight
I am a paper salesman, this is humiliating. That's on my side.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27125
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Jim
So this is fun.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27126
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Kelly
My birthday was yesterday, and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word. There wasn't even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27127
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Pam
Can I turn on the radio?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27128
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Michael
No. I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27129
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Pam
But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27130
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Michael
Then listen to your iPod, Pam.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27131
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Pam
That's dangerous.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27132
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Michael
Well then... hey you know what then let's just talk.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27133
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Pam
That's okay I can... I'm fine. I'll just play a song in my head.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27134
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Michael
You nervous about seeing Karen again, since she was the other woman? Actually you were the other woman so...
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27135
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Pam
No, that was a long time ago.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27136
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Michael
Is that why your wearing makeup today?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27137
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Pam
No, I'm not even wearing that much.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27138
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Pam
I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me, and she still hates me, so...
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27139
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Julia
Oh, this is a nice office.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27140
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Stanley
You don't have to lie. Through here.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27141
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Andy
Um Phyllis, who's that?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27142
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Phyllis
She's out of your league Andy.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27143
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Andy
For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27144
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Phyllis
Sexually?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27145
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Andy
This conversation is over.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27146
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Andy
I am single now. What we have here, is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27147
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Jim
We just wanted to say we are very sorry.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27148
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Kelly
Screw you guys. You're dead to me.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27149
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Dwight
If you say screw you one more time...
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27150
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Kelly
Yeah, screw you, beefer, I don't forget your birthday, I would never do that.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27151
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Dwight
Hey, HEY.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27152
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Jim
Guys guys guys guys guys guys. We just want to make it up to you. What can we do?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27153
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Kelly
I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27154
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Dwight
Oh God.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27155
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Jim
Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27156
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Kelly
In a way, it's good that it happened to me, because at least I can bear it.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27157
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Dwight
What kind of cake do you want imbecile.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27158
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Kelly
Ice Cream.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27159
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Pam
Okay, uh, point at the Dunder Mifflin.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27160
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Michael
Hello, Rolando, how are you?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27161
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Rolando
Hi.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27162
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Michael
Rolando, I'd like you to meet Pam. She is our receptionist. You know what? Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27163
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Rolando
Uh, your late, everyone's already in the conference room. Karen will be right here to take you over.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27164
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Michael
Okay, don't be nervous, just picture her naked.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27165
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Pam
Stop it, please.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27166
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Michael
That's what I do, steal my trick.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27167
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Pam
Please cut it out.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27168
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Karen
Hey. Hi, guys.
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27169
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Michael
Oh my God. Is that Jim's?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27170
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Karen
What!
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27171
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Pam
Michael!
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27172
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Karen
Of course not!
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27173
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Michael
Okay. Wow. Oh man! My head just exploded. Whoo! Thank God, for everybody right? Whoo kay. Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I... God sorry, sorry my head is... I'm just, I'm trying to figure out the last time that you and Jim had sex, and...
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27174
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Karen
Let's just get this over with, shall we?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27175
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Michael
Okay, Mm Hmm. Ten, ten months?
Season 5 · Episode 14 · Line 27176