Every line from The Office season 5, episode 11, in script order. First aired January 15, 2009.
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Dwight
Oh really? How are you gonna do that?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26308
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Andy
Through the use of force.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26309
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Dwight
That is very general, and does not scare me in the slightest.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26310
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Andy
I will fight you.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26311
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Jim
Nope.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26312
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Dwight
Okay, fine! Good! A duel! The winner gets Angela.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26313
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Andy
Fine!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26314
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Dwight
Fine!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26315
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Oscar
This is nuts.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26316
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Dwight
What is your weapon?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26317
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Jim
Okay, you know what? That's enough. Because...
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26318
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Dwight
Hey, this is none of your business.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26319
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Jim
Hey. It is my business when it happens at work.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26320
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Andy
Guess what? Not happening at work.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26321
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Dwight
Yes!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26322
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Andy
We're gonna do it outside.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26323
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Dwight
Outside of work.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26324
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Andy
None of your business.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26325
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Dwight
None of your business then. Good. So what weapon?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26326
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Andy
My bare hands.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26327
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Dwight
That is stupid. I will use a sword and I will cut off your bare hands.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26328
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Andy
Then I'll get something too.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26329
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Meredith
I've had two men fight over me before. Usually it's over which one gets to hold the camcorder.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26330
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Pam
Angela, you have to put a stop to this right now.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26331
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Angela
I will respect the results of the duel.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26332
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Pam
Of course you will.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26333
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Meredith
I call loser!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26334
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Andy
I will be taking my break at 4:00 in the parking lot.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26335
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Dwight
I will also be talking my break at the exact same time and in the same location.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26336
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Andy
What a coincidence.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26337
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Dwight
Mm.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26338
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Jim
So, I either get more involved, or I take a sick day... leaving Dwight in charge. Oh God.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26339
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Jim
[collects Dwight's weapons from around the office; holds up a hand scythe]
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26340
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Dwight
How'd that get there?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26341
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Meredith
There's a star-shaped thing taped under the kitchen table.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26342
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Jim
Thanks Meredith.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26343
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Michael
So I was in the office, and I look over to our Accounting division, and there is Kevin Malone. Kevin is wearing a jacket that I've never seen before. And I call over to Kevin, 'Kevin, is that a tweed jacket?' And he looks at me and he says, 'Michael, yes it is a tweed jacket.' And I look back at him and I say, 'I feel the need!... The need for tweed.'
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26344
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David
It's hard to try and evaluate yourself, Michael, but I appreciate you trying. And thanks for coming in.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26345
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Michael
Oh, thank you.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26346
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David
Yes.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26347
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Michael
I have to say, I am so impressed with the potential you see in me.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26348
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David
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26349
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Michael
Okay.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26350
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David
Yeah, finish up.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26351
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Dwight
Come on! Where are you? Let's do this thing! Come on! Come on out!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26352
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Angela
I can't believe they're gonna fight over me.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26353
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Kelly
I guess people have fewer choices as they get older.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26354
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Dwight
Come on!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26355
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Meredith
Hey, has anything happened yet?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26356
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Dwight
Where are you?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26357
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Oscar
Mm-mm. It's 4:10, I don't think he's gonna show.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26358
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Kevin
Oh come on, man! Believe in something.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26359
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Dwight
Come on, coward! Where are you? Where... 'From the desk of Andrew Bernard.' A note. Pathetic. 'Dear Dwight, by now you have received my note. How are you? I am well. You are no doubt wondering why I have left this note. It has come to my attention that in any physical match with you, I would surely be bested.' True. 'The soft underbelly of my refined upbringing is my soft underbelly...'
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26360
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Kelly
There's Andy, he's in his car. You guys, what is he doing?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26361
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Phyllis
Why isn't Dwight turning around?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26362
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Oscar
The Prius is silent if he keeps it under five miles per hour. He deserves the win.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26363
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Creed
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26364
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Dwight
Alas, after much consideration and deliberation...
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26365
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Pam
Oh my God!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26366
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Stanley
What's happening?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26367
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Phyllis
Andy's running over Dwight with his car.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26368
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Dwight
Whoa! What are you! Hey! Hey!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26369
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Andy
Yeah.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26370
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Everyone watching
Oh!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26371
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Dwight
Come on! Ow! Ah! Aah!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26372
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Andy
You give up?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26373
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Dwight
Never! Get out and face me like a man!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26374
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Andy
I am a man! I'm a bigger man than you'll ever be! I would never sleep with another man's fiance!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26375
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Dwight
You're not a man! You don't know how to take care of her! All you do is dress fancy and sing. 'La la la la la la la la la la!' What does that mean? You can't even protect her!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26376
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Andy
Protect her from what? Bears, you idiot? When's the last time you saw a damn bear in Scranton?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26377
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Dwight
Last year, idiot!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26378
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Jim
Dwight! Are your legs broken?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26379
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Dwight
No. My right one's falling asleep a little bit.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26380
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Jim
Andy, are you all right?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26381
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Andy
Go away, Tuna! I'm winning this!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26382
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Dwight
Yeah, back off. This isn't your fight. Oh, how much is this gonna cost? Oh! What? Trust fund will take care of that!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26383
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Andy
What did you say? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26384
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Dwight
I sa-
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26385
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Andy
What? You stupid idiot! You're like, you're like a Sasquatch! You live in the woods...
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26386
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Dwight
Sasquatches are the strongest animal on the planet! So fine, call me a Sasquatch!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26387
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Andy
I don't get it! How can she be sleeping with you this whole time and only sleep with me twice?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26388
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Dwight
What?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26389
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Andy
What!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26390
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Dwight
She's sleeping with you?
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26391
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Andy
I'm her fiance.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26392
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Dwight
She said she was only sleeping with me.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26393
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Andy
Yes, hi, my last name is Bernard, and I would like to cancel a wedding cake that I had ordered. B-E-R, N-A, R-D. Yeah, the one shaped like a sailboat... Yep, that's the one.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26394
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Dwight
[picks up his bobblehead and throws it in the trash can]
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26395
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Andy
Thank you.
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26396
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Michael
Wow, what a day! Haha! I thought I was gong to get chewed out, but, hold on! Here's an attaboy for ya! What? Rollercoaster ride! Rollercoaster! It just goes to show, you leave Scranton, exciting things can happen. Ahh!
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26397
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Dwight
[as Jim is collecting weapons, runs to the couch near reception and pulls out a crossbow; Jim catches him and he hands it over]
Season 5 · Episode 11 · Line 26398