Andy

I gave you a deal... based on what you said to me.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21637

Dwight

Yeah, well... seller beware. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to monitor a three-way bidding war for my car on eBay.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21638

Dwight

I've got a Madlib for you: a stupid, idiotic, numbskull named Andy Bernard sold his Xterra to a smart and capable man named Dwight. This is shaping up to be an awesome day for Dwight.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21639

Michael

Okay, everybody, shh! So, earlier today, Stanley sassed me, and Toby gave me some suggestions on how to discipline him. They did not work, obviously, because they were stupid, so I am now going to fake fire him.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21640

Pam

What does that mean?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21641

Michael

It's like a mock execution.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21642

Jim

That's not a good idea.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21643

Michael

Yes it is a good idea. It's the only possible solution I have left.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21644

Toby

Well, you can actually fire him.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21645

Michael

No, okay... I've had enough of you.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21646

Oscar

Why are you telling us this?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21647

Michael

Because I want you to behave as if I'm actually firing him, Oscar, okay?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21648

Kevin

Michael, if you hadn't told us this, then we would've thought that you were actually firing him.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21649

Michael

I'm not firing him. I'm not, I need you to act like I am firing him. Just, what I'm going to do, is I'm going to pretend that I am firing him, and I need you to act like I am firing him. Do you get that? Do you get it? I'm teaching him a lesson. He needs to learn humility, alright? That's all I'm, okay, here he comes. Let's just... play act. Stanley, may I talk to you for a second?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21650

Michael

Stanley Hudson, you are fired.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21651

Stanley

Are you serious?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21652

Michael

I am serious, we are all serious. You are fired like a heart attack.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21653

Stanley

You're firing me over three words. Have you lost your mind? Do you think I'm gonna let you do this to me?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21654

Michael

Hmm.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21655

Stanley

I've watched you screw up this office for ten years, and I'm filing a lawsuit, and I'm gonna tell them about every stupid thing you've ever done up in this office.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21656

Michael

Alright alright, okay, you know what? Now you know how I feel. This was a fake firing. Lesson learned. Good work, everybody. Very nice.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21657

Stanley

So I'm not fired.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21658

Michael

That's it. And uh... do you have anything to say to me?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21659

Stanley

Oh yes, I do. You are out of your damn, little pea-sized, mind. What is wrong with you? Do you have any sense? At all?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21660

Michael

Okay...

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21661

Stanley

Do you have any idea how to run an office?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21662

Michael

Yes.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21663

Stanley

Every day you do something stupider than you did the day before.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21664

Michael

That's not-

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21665

Stanley

And I think, 'there's no possible way--

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21666

Michael

All right, all right...

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21667

Stanley

He can top that.'

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21668

Michael

Okay.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21669

Stanley

But what do you do?! You find a way, dammit, to top it! You are professional idiot!

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21670

Michael

Hey, STOP IT! Okay, everybody out.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21671

Jim

Who?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21672

Michael

Everybody, except Stanley.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21673

Jim

Let's go.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21674

Pam

I can't find my glasses.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21675

Jim

Okay, you know what? Why don't you take my hand, and leave them, and let's get out of here.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21676

Pam

Okay, okay.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21677

Kevin

It's Michael versus Stanley, and it is the clash of the titans. In one corner, you have Michael, and he is mad. And then, in the other corner, you have Stanley, and he's mad. So that's about it!

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21678

Michael

I don't understand why you keep picking on me.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21679

Stanley

Oh, for the love of God.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21680

Michael

You just, do, and I don't know why, so... please help me understand.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21681

Stanley

Fine. Here it is: you are a person I do not respect. The things you say, your actions, your methods, and style. Everything you would do, I would do it the opposite way.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21682

Michael

Well Stanley, maybe you're feeling that you don't respect me because you don't know me very well.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21683

Stanley

Michael I have known you a very long time, and the more I've gotten to know you, the less I've come to respect you. Any other theories?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21684

Michael

All right, you don't respect me. I accept that. But listen to me, you can't talk to me that way in this office, you just can't. I am your boss. Can't allow it.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21685

Stanley

Fair enough.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21686

Michael

I am good person, and sometimes, good people don't get no respect. Rodney Dangerfield. Hey, I don't get no respect. No respect at all. When I was in the sandbox as a kid, I got not respect. My wife likes to talk after sex, so she called me from a hotel room, and said, 'I don't respect you!' Ahh, thoughtless. Aw, you know what don't get no respect? Airplane food. Why don't they just make the plane out of the airline food? My wife don't get no respect, some--take her, please, for example. If you don't get no respect, you might be redneck. Respect is niiice. Borat. What's the deal with Grapenuts? No grapes, no nuts. I don't get no respect!

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21687

Michael

So I'm thinking, as a reward for our loyal clients, that we contact their assistants, and we find out where they live. And then, we go to their houses, in the middle of the summer, and go caroling. It is a summer Christmas sale-abration. And we call it, a summer sales-a-lot. Feedback? Anybody? Stanley?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21688

Stanley

Has potential to be your best idea yet.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21689

Phyllis

That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21690

Michael

Dammit, Phyllis. Alright, everybody out except Phyllis.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21691

Michael

You know, I don't care what he did to me. He's mean to other people, that's what gets me. He's just...

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21692

Jim

Who else is he mean to?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21693

Michael

Everybody. He just, he's always, he's always talking about people behind their backs to me.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21694

Pam

What kind of stuff does Stanley say?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21695

Michael

Like that people are stupid, and that they're idiots, and that they're sluts.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21696

Kelly

Why would he say that?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21697

Michael

Because he's mean. He's, he's like a really mean-spirited guy. He talks about how gay Oscar is...

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21698

Jim

Mm-hmm.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21699

Michael

And that Angela's a midget, and that your chin is too big.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21700

Jim

Hey.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21701

Michael

I know, I know. I think it's tiny. I think it's too small if anything. And that your glasses make you look ugly.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21702

Jim

She's never worn these glasses before.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21703

Michael

Well, he's just mean.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21704

Pam

Michael, I think that what Stanley did to you was rude. Maybe you should just get him aside and tell him that he was behaving badly.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21705

Michael

It's complicated, Pam. I mean, the world looks a lot easier from behind your reception desk.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21706

Jim

Well, I actually agree with her, I think you should talk to him. And you also might want to explain to Andy that no one wants to help him decide whether or not he has a rash.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21707

Kelly

Oh, yeah, and then, yell at Creed, because you know what? Looking can be as bad as touching.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21708

Michael

Okay.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21709

Michael

I put Stanley on a pedestal, for a long time. But sometimes he can just be a big, fat jerk. I... jerks don't deserve to be on pedestals. Jerks should be placed up somewhere where everybody can see how jerky they are. Big marble... jerk stand.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21710

Michael

Pam, stand up.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21711

Pam

Hi everyone. My name is Pam, and I wear glasses.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21712

Meredith

Hi, Pam.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21713

Michael

Pretty disgusting.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21714

Phyllis

I like your frames.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21715

Pam

Thanks, Phyllis. Yours, too.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21716

Phyllis

Oh, well, I'm already married. Boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21717

Kelly

Ignore her, those glasses are so cool.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21718

Pam

Really?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21719

Kelly

Yeah, you look like Lisa Loeb or Tina Fey or someone. You should definitely wear them all the time.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21720

Pam

Huh. Maybe I will.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21721

Kelly

Guess who just became the cutest girl in the office.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21722

Pam

What's it like without my glasses? Um, well, here, I'll show you. Unfocus your lens. A lot. I'm 20/400. You got it? Okay, I'm gonna spend the rest of the day like this. I can't see any of the things that would bother me on a normal day. I can't see anything disgusting, or ugly, or Michael... it's great.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21723

Ryan

Yo!

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21724

Pam

Hi, can I help you?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21725

Ryan

Haha, nice! I guess I have been a stranger lately.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21726

Pam

Ryan!

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21727

Ryan

Hey, Pam, do you want a bagel?

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21728

Pam

Yeah.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21729

Ryan

Think fast. Honestly, Pam, the bagels in New York are the only good bagels in the world, I swear to God.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21730

Pam

Okay.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21731

Ryan

The only good bagels anywhere.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21732

Pam

I've heard that.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21733

Ryan

Same with coffee, and women.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21734

Pam

Okay.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21735

Ryan

I'm gonna go find Toby. Oh, here's what you do. You scoop out the middle, like that, and then you just eat the shell. You know? Fewer carbs.

Season 4 · Episode 12 · Line 21736

"Did I Stutter?" Quotes (page 3)