Martin

Two hours, every day. Sometimes we'd play pickup football games...

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12136

Kevin

Michael, why don't we get outdoors time?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12137

Pam

Yeah, some days I never go outside.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12138

Michael

Well, we are running a business, so.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12139

Meredith

What was your cell like?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12140

Martin

Not good. Uh... a little bit bigger than Michael's office... but, you know, I really only slept there. You know, during the day, there-our time's our own. They had uh, classes, I took some... watercolor classes.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12141

Pam

They have art classes?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12142

Martin

Yeap. Yeah.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12143

Ryan

They have business classes there?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12144

Martin

They did, taught by some uh, Harvard business school guys--a lot of the guys also, that were in the class, the inmates, a lot of them have gone on to do extraordinary things in business.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12145

Pam

Kinda sounds like... prison's... better than Dunder-Mifflin.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12146

Michael

Ah. Well. That's not true.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12147

Kevin

I would so rather be in prison.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12148

Ryan

Prison sounds great.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12149

Michael

No you would not.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12150

Michael

This place is not prison. It's... way better than prison.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12151

Creed

Baby. Hello baby. Here you want to play with this?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12152

Karen

You can't give paperclips to a baby. He could swallow.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12153

Creed

Oh, it's okay. I've got tons of them. You like that? Goo-goo-goo-goo?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12154

Andy

Pam-a-lama-ding-dong. Listen, you're cute. There is no gettin' around it. So... I don't know if you like country music, but I was thinking maybe one of these days we could drive out to a field, crank up some tunes, smoke a few Macanudos... maybe even toss a disk around. Utway ooday ooyay inkthay, Ampay?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12155

Pam

Wow... I--

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12156

Andy

Shh. Think about it. I'll hit you back.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12157

Pam

Wow. That was... wow.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12158

Michael

Okay! Listen up everybody! Um, you guys said that prison was better than this place, and I heard ya, loud and clear, so, I am instituting some changes to make this more like prison. We are going to start with an hour of outdoor time. So let's go!

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12159

Pam

Michael, it's freezing out.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12160

Phyllis

I can't feel my toes.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12161

Michael

Why don't we... pump some iron? Anyone wanna... pump up?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12162

Jim

What is that, like... five pounds?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12163

Michael

It's uh... two and a half. I'm not going for bulk, I'm going for tone.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12164

Stanley

I'm going back inside.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12165

Michael

Yeah, it's... freaking cold out here. Anybody wants to stay out, you've got about... twenty-seven minutes of rec time.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12166

Michael

Oh heyyy. Martiiin. You have TV in the joint?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12167

Martin

Yeah, in the rec room.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12168

Michael

Ah. A ten inch black and white?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12169

Martin

Actually, our TV was bigger than that one.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12170

Michael

These people don't realize how lucky they are. This office is the American Dream. And they would rather be in the hole.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12171

Jim

Oh. Andy. I thought of one last tact you can take with Pam.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12172

Andy

Yeah.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12173

Jim

Quick question - do you play the guitar?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12174

Andy

I play the banjo.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12175

Jim

Hold on, let me think about that, yes, that'll work. But can you sing in a sexy high falsetto voice?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12176

Andy

You know I can, my man.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12177

Jim

Yup. That's perfect.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12178

Karen

Hey.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12179

Jim

Hey.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12180

Andy

I'm gonna go get my banjo out of my car.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12181

Jim

Perfect.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12182

Karen

What is going on?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12183

Jim

...I'm messing with Andy. I'm sending him to all the women in the office with... just... terrible information on how to get them to go out with him.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12184

Karen

I love it. I want in. Who's the target?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12185

Jim

...Oh, you know what? ... It was... gonna be Pam, but...

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12186

Karen

Perfect. What do I do? Just give me an assignment.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12187

Jim

Uh, you know what though? I feel like I already sicked him on Pam... we'll give her a break. Let's think of someone else.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12188

Michael

All right everybody, there has been a lot of name calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring, much of it coming from one of you, who claims that prison is better... than... here. And none of can say 'Boo' because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, there's somebody I'd like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison, who can tell you what it is really like. I'm prison Mike! You know why they call me prison Mike?!

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12189

Angela

Do you really expect us to believe you're somebody else?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12190

Michael

Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, beeyotch?! All right, hey, hey, hey, hey, that's just the way we talk in the clink. Been a lot of fun talk about prison today, but I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIIIGHT!! In prison you are somebody's bitch. Oh, and you. You, my friend, would be da belle of da ball. Don't drop the soap! Don't drop the soap!

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12191

Ryan

Michael, please.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12192

Jim

Where... did you learn all of this?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12193

Michael

Internet.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12194

Jim

So, not prison.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12195

Michael

And prison. Eh, fifty-fifty, both. Look, prison stinks, is what I'm saying. It's not like you can go home, and, recharge your batteries, and come back in the morning and, be with your friends, having fun in the office.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12196

Jim

What'd you do, Prison Mike?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12197

Michael

I stole. ... And I robbed. And I kidnapped... the... president's son. And held him for ransom.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12198

Jim

That is... quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12199

Michael

And I nevah got caught, neither.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12200

Jim

Well, you're... in... prison, but, mmhmm.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12201

Pam

Prison Mike? What was the food like in prison?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12202

Michael

Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelettes. Nothing but gruel. Plus, you can eat your own hair.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12203

Andy

Wow. Prison sounds horrible.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12204

Michael

Yeah. Yeah. Well, thank you, Andy. Tanks.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12205

Dwight

Prison Mike. What's the very very worst thing about prison?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12206

Angela

Don't encourage him, Dwight.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12207

Michael

The worst thing about prison was the... was the Dementors. They... were flying all over the place, and they were scary. And they'd come down, and they'd suck the soul out of your body, and it hurt!

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12208

Karen

Demen-Dementors like in Harry Potter?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12209

Michael

No, not Harry Potter. ... There are no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft, and cushy! This place is freaking awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everyone seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who... have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves! Nobody is nobody's bitch. I hope that this scared you. And from me, Prison Mike, to you, I just wanna thank you for listening to me. Letting me be a part of your life today. 'Cause you got a good life! YOu got a good life. A good life. So. What do you think? It doesn't sound so great, does it?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12210

Pam

Wow. Thank you. Um, that must have been hard for you to relive that. Both of you.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12211

Martin

Yeah, that... wasn't really... at all my experience. There were certain elements of what you performed, I've seen on television. But it didn't remind me of my time in prison.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12212

Michael

Okay. Okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great? All right. Well, here you go.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12213

Jim

Okay, Michael. Come on. Let us out.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12214

Michael

No! If you think is prison is so wonderful, then, enjoy prison! They are such babies. I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it's like to have freedom. And if this doesn't bother them, then I am out of ideas.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12215

Kevin

Hey! Let us out of here! Hey! I have--

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12216

Hannah

Shh!

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12217

Toby

This is Toby. Hey Pam. Where are you calling from?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12218

Toby

Michael. Why's everyone locked in the conference room?

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12219

Michael

They were very disrespectful to me, and to the office. And Martin has had a bad influence, to think that I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12220

Toby

Well, you're going to have to let 'em out. Or... or I will.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12221

Michael

Okay. You know what Toby? I am teaching them a lesson, so.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12222

Toby

You know they're teasing you. I mean... obviously, this is... a much nicer place than an actual prison. We get paid to be here. We go home afterwards and have social lives. We have... we have parties here. They're teasing you. To be funny.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12223

Michael

Okay nutcases, get out of there! Good work. Long day. Really long. Why don't you guys head home. Early. Time off for good behavior! Heh. Good job. Enjoy your freedoms!

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12224

Michael

Martin went from being a new guy from Stamford... to a convict, to... my friend. Back to a convict. Then to... a kind of a nuisance, actually, to be completely honest. And finally, to... a quitter. And I will not miss him. And that is not because he is black.

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12225

Andy

So we've been told, and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong, wait and see, 'cause one day we'll find it, the ainbowray onnectionkay, the lovers, the dreamers, and meeee...

Season 3 · Episode 9 · Line 12226

"The Convict" Quotes (page 2)