Michael

Oh hey, Kevin, nice of you to join us, where were you?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14005

Kevin

My tire blew out on the way here, Michael.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14006

Michael

Huh?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14007

Kevin

I almost died. I... I went into this skid---

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14008

Michael

Pop quiz.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14009

Kevin

...What?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14010

Michael

Why is today a special day?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14011

Kevin

I almost died.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14012

Michael

Today's a special day, because I am being honored as a... visiting... professor, special lecturer, emeritus... how did you, how did you...

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14013

Ryan

You will be a guest speaker... in my Emerging Enterprises class.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14014

Michael

In business school, Kevin. Business school.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14015

Kevin

Wow.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14016

Ryan

If you bring your boss to class, it automatically bumps you up a full letter grade. So... I'd be stupid

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14017

Michael

A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us, and he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um... and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. ... Really ruined eighth grade for us.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14018

Michael

Here we go. College Roadshow. Gotta bring our... A game. What was the most inspiring thing I've ever said to you?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14019

Dwight

Don't be an idiot.' Changed my life.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14020

Dwight

Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14021

Michael

Will they throw their hats, you think?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14022

Ryan

What?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14023

Michael

A lot of times, at a... school, or naval academy, after a rousing speech, the crowd would throw its hats high into the air.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14024

Ryan

Y-You understand nobody's graduating.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14025

Michael

Yeah, I know, I know. I'm just saying if they did throw their hats I've got a great line for that: 'May your hats fly as high as your dreams.' ... That was a pretty good line.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14026

Ryan

...It doesn't apply.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14027

Michael

I understand! Wow. Relax, spazzy boy. Sometimes you're such a little spaz! Whoa, hey!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14028

Ryan

Quit it!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14029

Michael

We have fun.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14030

Roy

I can't for your art show tonight.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14031

Pam

Okay, just so you know, it's just the students from my class in a little studio.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14032

Roy

I-I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14033

Pam

Thanks.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14034

Pam

I'm really happy to be back with Roy. I think it shows maturity. Maturity and dignity. ... Is that braggy? I don't mean it to be braggy.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14035

Roy

Love ya.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14036

Pam

You too.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14037

Jim

Pam's with Roy. I'm with Karen. And, uh, Brangelina is with Frangelina. Movin' on.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14038

Kelly

I can't believe you're back together with Roy!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14039

Pam

Oh, yeah! We have such a solid foundation, you know.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14040

Kelly

Oh my God. You're so in love now.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14041

Pam

Yeah. Oh, you should come to my art show, by the way.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14042

Kelly

Oh, art show!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14043

Pam

I mean, it's not a big deal, but I think a lot of people from the office will be there.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14044

Kelly

...Oh... yeah. Definitely... I'll be there. For sure.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14045

Michael

Campus. Brings back so many memories. ... That I would have made. Hey. Frisbee. Check that out. Aww! What do you say we get our Fris on before class? Whoo!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14046

College Student

....Dude.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14047

Dwight

...Oh my God. Animal stool.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14048

Pam

Dwight, what are you doing?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14049

Dwight

Solving a mystery, if that's quite alright with you. Come to Papa. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, what we have here is a bird that has been trapped in a vent. Fortunately I have found it befo--BAT! BAAAT! BAT!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14050

Karen

Oh my God!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14051

Dwight

BAAAAT! BAT! NO! EVERYONE REMAIN CALM! There it goes!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14052

Stanley

Goooood bye.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14053

Angela

... Please don't let that stupid thing near me...

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14054

Michael

Okay, this is it. Ryan is doing my intro right now.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14055

Ryan

...Dunder-Mifflin can't compete with the modern chains, and management is unwilling, or unable, to adapt. Their customers are dying off...

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14056

Michael

I can't hear what he's saying, but he looks like he's really into it.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14057

Dwight

We have... a bat... in the office.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14058

Toby

The simple solution would be to open a window... if we had... windows that could open.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14059

Angela

Poop is raining from the ceilings. Poop!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14060

Jim

Okay. Thanks. Animal control will be here at six.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14061

Dwight

At Six?! No, that is unacceptable. Okay, Jim, you are the number two in this office. You need to step up and show some leadership.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14062

Jim

I'm sorry what did you say? So wierd...

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14063

Dwight

What? What's so wierd?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14064

Jim

The bat, I mean, I know I felt it bite me, but look. There's no mark. I feel so... tingly... so strangely powerful... Oh well.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14065

Ryan

And now, without further ado, I present the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton, Michael Scott.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14066

Michael

Hello everyone, I am Michael Scott. And I would like to start today by inspiring you. May I borrow someone's textbook, please? Thank you. What have we here? Ooh. Economics. Very, very interesting. You cannot learn from books. Replace these pages with life lessons, and then, you will have... a book... that is worth its weight in gold. I know these are expensive, um, but the lesson is priceless. Good. Alright. I think you're inspired. Shall we proceed? There are four kinds of business: Tourism. Food service. Railroads, and sales. And hospitals slash manufacturing. And air travel.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14067

Dwight

This is your job, Halpert.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14068

Jim

Ow!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14069

Karen

Oh, what happened?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14070

Jim

That bread on your desk? I just picked it up. It's white hot.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14071

Karen

But Jim, this garlic bread is cold.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14072

Jim

What? ... No. It burned me. I... bizarre.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14073

Dwight

No... no. One crisis at a time.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14074

Dwight

If a vampire bat was in the U.S., it would make sense for it to come to a 'sylvania.' Like PENN-sylvania. Now that doesn't mean that Jim is going to become a vampire. Only that he carries the vampiric germ.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14075

Michael

So, you wanna start a business. How do you start? What do you need? Well, first of all, you need a building. And secondly, you need supply. You need something to sell. Now this could be anything. It could be... a... thingamajig. Or a... a whosi-whatsi. Or... a Whatchamacallit. Now, you need to sell those in order to have a PayDay. And, if you sell enough of them, you will make a 100 Grand. Satisfied?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14076

Toby

Oh, this looks great. I'd, I'd love to be there, but my daughter's play is tonight. ... Damnit! You know, one of the other parents will probably videotape it.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14077

Pam

Oh! No, you should go.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14078

Toby

Well, it's important to support local art, you know. And what they do is not art.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14079

Michael

Okay, I'm seeing some confused... faces out there. Let me slow down a little bit. Break this down. Okay. The more stickers you sell, the more profit, fancy word for money, you have to buy PlayStations and Beanie Babies.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14080

Ryan

Michael.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14081

Michael

...And products!

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14082

Ryan

What we normally do here is more of a question and answer thing.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14083

Michael

Well... okay, I was just kind of getting it going. Um, alright. Well, okay, we can do questions. Okay. Very good. First hand up.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14084

Business Student #1

Sir, as a company that primary distributes paper, how have you adapted your business model to function in an increasingly paperless world?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14085

Michael

We can't overestimate the value of computers. Yes, they are great for playing games and forwarding funny emails. But real business is done on paper, okay? Write that down.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14086

Karen

Hey Jim, here's the aspirin you wanted.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14087

Jim

Oh, thank God. I have such a headache from that glare.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14088

Karen

What glare?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14089

Jim

The glare off Angela's crucifix? It's blinding.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14090

Dwight

I don't have a lot of experience with vampires, but I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once. But by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbor's dog.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14091

Dwight

Extraordinary events call for extraordinary actions. We form an allegiance--

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14092

Creed

Sure.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14093

Dwight

--to use sudden violence.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14094

Creed

Okay.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14095

Dwight

Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14096

Creed

What size?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14097

Business Student #2

What do you say to a customer who wants to leave you for the convenience and savings of a nationwide chain?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14098

Michael

...I say you will miss our service, and I absolutely guarantee you'll come back.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14099

Business Student #2

Has anyone ever come back?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14100

Michael

...We don't want them back, 'cause they're... stupid.

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14101

Business Student #3

How far has your Herfindahl index declined since the merger?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14102

Michael

Nice try, how's your Pollack-says-what index?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14103

Business Student #3

...What?

Season 3 · Episode 16 · Line 14104

"Business School" Quotes