Every line from The Office season 2, episode 7, in script order. First aired November 8, 2005.
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Michael
Pam, it's Michael. I need you to go into my office and check some data for me.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4291
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Pam
Ok, you want me to read 'em?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4292
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Michael
Yes.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4293
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Pam
Ok. Um, a fisherman is walking down Fifth Avenue walking an animal behind him-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4294
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Michael
No.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4295
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Pam
When-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4296
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Michael
Nope. Told it. Not as good as you think. Pick another one.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4297
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Pam
Ok. There's a transcript between a naval ship-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4298
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Michael
Oh ho ho, yea! Bingo! And a lighthouse. Yes. That is hysterical. Could you start that one from the beginning?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4299
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Pam
Sure. There's a transcript between a naval ship and a lighthouse.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4300
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Jim
Is this real?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4301
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Pam
It is a screenplay. Starring himself.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4302
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Jim
Agent Michael Scarn.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4303
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Pam
Of the FBI.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4304
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Jim
How long is this? Oh, Pam. Good work! Oop, wait, stop. Drawings.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4305
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Pam
What is that?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4306
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Jim
Oh, those are drawings. In case the writing didn't really put a picture in your head. And there he is, in the flesh, Agent Michael Scarn. Now we know what he looks like.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4307
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Michael
First guy says 'Well, I'm an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn'. And the second guy says, 'Well, I am a pimp, so I drive a cheap Escort'. And the third guy says 'I gotcha both beat, I'm a proctologist, so I drive a brown Probe'.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4308
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Christian
Ohhh no! Oh my God, that's funny! I almost had Awesome Blossom coming out of my nose!
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4309
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Jan
Excuse me, could I have a vodka tonic, please?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4310
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Jim
Do we all have our copy of 'Threat Level: Midnight', by Michael Scott?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4311
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Everyone
Yeah, yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4312
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Jim
Alright, let's get this started. I'm gonna be reading the action descriptions, and Phyllis, I would like you to play Catherine Zeta Jones.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4313
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Phyllis
That's the character's name?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4314
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Jim
Oh yeah-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4315
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Dwight
Ok, you guys should not be doing this.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4316
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Jim
Why not, Dwight? This is a movie. I mean, this is for all of America to enjoy.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4317
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Dwight
You took something that doesn't belong to you.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4318
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Jim
Dwight-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4319
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Dwight
Brought it in here-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4320
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Jim
Do you want to play-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4321
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Dwight
Made copies of it-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4322
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Jim
The lead role of Agent Michael Scarn?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4323
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Michael
Yum! Yum yum yum! That's delicious! I love it!
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4324
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Jan
We would probably be upset with ourselves if we went this whole night without talking business, so, Dunder-Mifflin can provide a level of personal service to the county that the warehouse chains just can't match.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4325
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Christian
Well, we are out to save money.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4326
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Jan
What's the bottom line?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4327
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Michael
Bop! Be blah bop, be boo boo bop.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4328
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Michael
That's why I wanted a signal, between us, so that I wouldn't have to just shout non-sense words. That's her fault.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4329
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Michael
Did somebody say 'baby back ribs'? Hmmm? Hmmmmm?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4330
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Jan
I don't think Christian has time for that.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4331
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Christian
I have time.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4332
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Michael
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4333
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Michael and Christian
I want my baby back, baby back, baby back-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4334
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Michael
Chili's baby back ribs...
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4335
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Jim
Inside the FBI, Agent Michael Scarn sits with his feet up on his desk. Catherine Zeta Jones enters.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4336
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Phyllis
Sir, you have some messages.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4337
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Dwight
Not now!
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4338
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Phyllis
They're important.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4339
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Dwight
Ok, what are they?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4340
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Phyllis
First message is: 'I love you'. That's from me.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4341
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Dwight
Not in a thousand years, Catherine. We work together. And get off my desk!
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4342
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Dwight
Yes, I have acted before. I was in a production of 'Oklahoma' in the seventh grade. I played the part of Mutey the Mailman. They had too many kids, so they made up roles like that. I was good.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4343
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Dwight
If it isn't my old partner, Samuel L. Chang.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4344
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Ryan
Agent Michael Scarn, you lost some weight.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4345
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Dwight
Thank you for noticing. Now keep me company for one more mission.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4346
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Pam
Hey, uh, I have to work late.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4347
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Roy
You're joking right?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4348
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Jim
Michael Scarn takes out a nine-millimeter gun and shoots the-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4349
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Dwight
Pow! Pow! Pow!
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4350
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Ryan
Hahaha, Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny. Word.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4351
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Kevin
Michael's movie? Two thumbs down. Heh.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4352
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Jim
A man sitting several seats down, who has a gold face, turns to Michael Scarn. Uh... Ooh, Oscar, you wanna play Goldenface?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4353
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Oscar
Mr. Scarn, perhaps you would be more comfortable in my private jet?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4354
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Dwight
Yes, perhaps I would, Goldenface. Sam, get my luggage.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4355
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Ryan
I forget it, brutha.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4356
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Dwight
Samuel, you are such an idiot, you are the worst assistant ever. And you're disgusting, Dwigt. Wait, who's Dwigt?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4357
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Pam
Here's what we think happened. Michael's sidekick, who all through the movie is this complete idiot who's causing the downfall of the United States, was originally named Dwight. But then Michael changed it to Samuel L. Chang using a search and replace, but that doesn't work on misspelled words, leaving behind one Dwigt. And Dwight figured it out. Oops.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4358
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Dwight
D-W-I-G-H-T.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4359
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Dwight
Ok, you know what? I am done with this. That's it, the end.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4360
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Jim
Well, some of us wanna keep reading, so-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4361
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Dwight
Uh, you don't speak for everyone, Jim. Ok, announcement. My uncle bought me some fireworks. Anyone who wants to see a real show, come with me outside now.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4362
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Jim
That's actually a good idea. We'll all take a brief intermission. Hey, are you hungry?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4363
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Pam
Yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4364
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Jim
Yeah?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4365
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Christian
So after watching my mom go through so much pain, I decided to keep that promise, that I made to her, and take care of her.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4366
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Michael
Woo, well, this brings us to Jan. Truth or Dare? Tell us about your divorce. Ohh, ohh.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4367
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Jan
Oh no, Michael, Michael, please. No, really.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4368
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Michael
Oh, so you're not gonna play? She's not playing.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4369
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Christian
It's not fair.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4370
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Michael
She's not playing the game.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4371
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Jan
We'd been fighting for a while-
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4372
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Michael
Check please.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4373
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Jan
He didn't want kids, but I knew that going into it. But he also knew that I did. I guess I thought that he would change his mind; he thought that I would change mine.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4374
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Christian
You didn't.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4375
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Jan
I was stupid.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4376
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Michael and Christian
No.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4377
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Michael
No, you were not stupid. Gould was stupid. Right?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4378
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Christian
That's right.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4379
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Michael
You know?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4380
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Christian
You were really brave! You, you put your arms out there, you slit your wrists.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4381
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Michael
It's true.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4382
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Christian
You said 'World, this is my blood! It's red, just like yours. So love me!'
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4383
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Jim
I had plans to meet a friend tonight. Which I had to cancel. But this is cool, too. I'm not a complainer.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4384
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Jim
Wow.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4385
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Pam
For the bugs.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4386
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Jim
Nice. That's excellent, because bugs love my famous grilled cheese sandwich.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4387
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Pam
Yes... nice! I can't remember the last time someone made me dinner.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4388
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Christian
Right down the street?
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4389
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Michael
Uh huh, Kenneth Road, born and raised. Spent my whole life right here in Lackawanna County and I do not intend on movin'. I know this place. I know how many hospitals we have, I know how many schools we have. It's home, you know? I know the challenges this county's up against. Here's the thing about those discount suppliers. They don't care. They come in, they undercut everything, and they run us out of business, and then, once we're all gone, they jack up the prices.
Season 2 · Episode 7 · Line 4390