Every line from The Office season 2, episode 21, in script order. First aired May 4, 2006.
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Jim
That actually took a while. I had to put, uh, more and more nickels into his handset, till he got used to the weight, and then I just... took 'em all out.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8973
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Michael
'Every time I typed my name, it said 'Diapers'.'
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8974
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Jim
Just a simple macro. You know, these actually don't sound that funny one after another. But he does deserve it, though.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8975
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Michael
By the end of the day, my desk was about two feet closer to the copier.'
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8976
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Jim
Yeah, I just moved it an inch every time he went to the bathroom. And that's how I spent my entire day that day.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8977
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Michael
The Japanese have this thing called shiatsu massage, where they dig into your body, very hard. And it is very painful. And apparently, some people throw up. But the next day they feel great. I've never had one. They sound awful.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8978
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Jim
Maybe Stanford would be cool.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8979
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Dwight
It's a good market. Higher volume.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8980
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Jim
Yeah. Maybe we should both go.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8981
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Dwight
I have a girlfriend...
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8982
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Jim
Sure you do, Dwight. Sure.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8983
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Michael
Hey, there's like, 300 more of these. Let's get to them later.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8984
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Dwight
So, you going to transfer Jim or not?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8985
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Michael
Maybe, I haven't decided yet. Let's get to work.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8986
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Dwight
I want an answer by tomorrow.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8987
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Michael
Okay. Oh... actually, tomorrow's not good. How about later in the week?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8988
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Dwight
Fine.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8989
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Michael
Good. Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8990
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Michael
Hey! Wait. How about a group picture while you're here?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8991
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Photographer
I can't. I only get reimbursed for the I.D. photos.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8992
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Michael
Well... that's... what, a computer camera, right?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8993
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Photographer
You mean digital?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8994
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Michael
It'll take like two seconds.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8995
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Photographer
20 bucks.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8996
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Michael
Ugh... All right. Everybody, come on. Group photo for the newsletter.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8997
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Stanley
You gotta be kiddin' me.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8998
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Michael
Come on, everybody.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 8999
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Dwight
Come on, let's go. Creed, Kevin, Oscar... andale! Let's go.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9000
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Photographer
One, two, three... smile. Try to smile.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9001
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Michael
We resolved a lot today, everybody. Think happy thoughts.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9002
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Photographer
Alright, I'm just gonna take it on three... whether you smile or not. One, two, three.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9003
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Michael
Good, let's check that out. Ew, okay, all right. One more. We'll take one more.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9004
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Photographer
That'll be another 20.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9005
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Michael
What?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9006
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Pam
Angela, I want to talk to you about something.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9007
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Michael
You just press the button.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9008
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Angela
What?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9009
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Jim
No, Pam.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9010
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Pam
I am. It's about the Save The Date.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9011
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Jim
Pam, it wasn't her.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9012
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Pam
What?!
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9013
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Jim
I'm the one who complained about you.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9014
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Jim
I... I didn't know that Toby was gonna write it down. I was just venting.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9015
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Michael
Okay, good. Check that out.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9016
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Jim
You know, it was one day.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9017
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Michael
That's terrible.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9018
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Jim
And I took it right back. It was like...
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9019
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Pam
Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9020
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Phyllis
Oh, dear.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9021
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Michael
Let's pay Mr. Price Gouger. Okay... we can do this. Come on, everybody. All right. Here we go.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9022
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Michael
It was really hard getting a good picture of fifteen people. He would not give me a good discount. And eight tries added up.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9023
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Michael
One, two..Didn't say three, did I?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9024
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Michael
But, I'm sort of an expert at Photoshop, so it turned out fine in the end. When people work together, there is going to be conflict. You can't outrun your problems.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9025
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Jim
Hey, Pam... it's Jim. Um, I have a doctor's appointment in the city. So I probably won't be in till the late afternoon. Just thought I'd let you know. Okay, bye.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9026
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Female worker
Okay, Jan will see you now.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9027
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Jim
Oh, thanks.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9028
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Michael
And that is why the idea of a cage match is so universally appealing. But here's the thing about cage matches: sometimes you have to open the cage. And that is something Toby will never understand.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9029
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Dwight
What is this? What happened here?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9030
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Jim
I don't know.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9031
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Dwight
Oh, this does not look good. Did anyone see what happened around my desk area this morning?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9032
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Jim
Dwight, I really think someone's probably just playing a prank on you, so just go right through it.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9033
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Dwight
A prank, huh? This is official police line tape, okay? It's not a prank.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9034
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Jim
Probably is.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9035
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Dwight
Damn it, people! Someone must have seen something! Oh, you people are useless. Jesus.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9036
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Pam
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Hold, please. Dwight, it's the Sheriff. He said that it's really important. It's regarding your desk. I'll transfer.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9037
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Dwight
Oh, no, no, don't! I can't...
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9038
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Jim
Just cut through it, man, it's no big deal.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9039
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Dwight
This is why I'm a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy and you're not.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9040
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Jim
That is not why. Wow, man, he really wants to get in touch with you. Maybe it's a murder.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9041
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Dwight
No, there's no blood.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9042
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Jim
Maybe poison?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9043
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Dwight
Possibly.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9044
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Jim
My God!
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9045
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Dwight
No, Jim, no! Sheriff, this is Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy Dwight Schrute. Press the pound key! What's your 20?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9046
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Michael
Nothing much is happening today. We are having our photo IDs taken. Whoop-de-doo. Can't always be like The Apprentice.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9047
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Ryan
I know.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9048
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Michael
On Big Brother, something important happens every day. But real life is not like that.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9049
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Photographer
Okay, here we go. One, two...
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9050
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Dwight
He sometimes wears glasses, write that down. Also, that may not be his real hair.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9051
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Michael
I hate it when people don't tell each other why they're angry. My dad was like that. I would say, 'What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad? What's wrong, Dad?' Over and over and over. And he would just look at me like I was an idiot.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9052
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Dwight
I'm the one who petitioned the office board to have these ID badges taken.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9053
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Photographer
So there were no death threats?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9054
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Dwight
Let me see your ID.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9055
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Michael
There is this old story about two women who each think they are the mother of this baby. And they can't decide, so they bring the baby to a wise man. Just like a manager in those days. And the wise man says, 'I will adopt this baby and raise it as a Hindu.' See? They didn't expect that. And that fixed it. Because I think he was the dad anyway.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9056
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Michael
There are dozens of old complaints in here. Cold cases, like the show. And Toby is a lazy detective who has decided that these armed robberies and rapes and murder/suicides are not important enough to solve. Well, you know what? I have a problem with that. And I'm going to open up these cases before Toby can kill or rape another person.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9057
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Photographer
All right.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9058
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Pam
That's not bad. Hey, do you do weddings?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9059
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Photographer
Would you seriously want your wedding photos to look like that?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9060
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Jim
Not bad.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9061
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Dwight
I gave her a higher clearance than you.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9062
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Jim
What does Level Red mean?
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9063
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Dwight
I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9064
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Meredith
Wait.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9065
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Kevin
No, wait. Yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9066
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Phyllis
You must have misdialed. This is Phyllis. No, I'm not sure what his extension is.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9067
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Michael
Wow! I never thought Dwight would go postal. It's always the person you least expect and I always thought Dwight would go postal.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9068
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Phyllis
Come on, Dwight, I think it's actually healthy to get it off your chest.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9069
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Dwight
I'm done talking. I am a Schrute. We don't back down.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9070
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Phyllis
You're arrogant and pompous, and I don't like you.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9071
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Michael
Cage Match'? I don't know if it was in the packet from corporate, because I barely read any of it. So if you're asking if I stole their idea, the answer is no.
Season 2 · Episode 21 · Line 9072