Every line from The Office season 2, episode 20, in script order. First aired April 27, 2006.
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Dwight
Thank you, Michael. Very nice. Great. Can I have a gun?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8676
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Hank Doyle
No, I don't have a gun.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8677
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Dwight
Okay, I'll have to bring in my bow staff.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8678
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Hank Doyle
I don't think so.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8679
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Michael
Good.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8680
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Dwight
Thank you, Michael.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8681
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Michael
No. Oh. Uh...[awkwardly salutes]
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8682
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Dwight
I need to go over some details with you.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8683
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Michael
Alright. Well, Thank you.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8684
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Dwight
First of all, Hank, how many orange traffic cones do you have?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8685
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Hank Doyle
Two.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8686
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Dwight
Oh, God.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8687
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Jim
Wow. What a terrible day to not be able to talk. Dwight was literally carrying around his own urine and dressed like one of the Village People. Why does he do the things that he does for Michael? I just don't get it. What is he getting out of that relationship?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8688
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Jim
Nice.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8689
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Pam
Kevin.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8690
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Jim
Yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8691
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Pam
Do someone else.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8692
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Jim
Um,
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8693
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Pam
Angela.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8694
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Jim
Whoa.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8695
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Pam
The eyebrow.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8696
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Jim
Yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8697
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Dwight
I'm not only hoping to find the culprit who committed this heinous crime, I am praying to find this heinous culprit. And I will pray to Thor himself, if that's what it takes.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8698
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Toby
Michael's behavior is erratic and unpredictable, but I don't think he's doing drugs. Maybe he should. Take the edge off. Uh, not at work, of course.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8699
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Dwight
People use marijuana to escape. Jim does not have a girlfriend. His sales are nothing to brag about. And he does not belong to any organized clubs. If that were my life, I'd do drugs.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8700
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Phyllis
He asked if you've been acting withdrawn lately.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8701
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Stanley
And what did you say?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8702
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Phyllis
I said no.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8703
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Stanley
Hmm.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8704
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Phyllis
You're welcome.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8705
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Dwight
Your turn, Stanley. Angela, you're up.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8706
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Pam
Last night? Let's see.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8707
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Dwight
Go ahead. Don't lie.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8708
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Pam
I won't. It's just that last night is really hard for me to remember because I was just a teensy bit high. Should I have not said that?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8709
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Dwight
No, no, no. It's okay. Go ahead.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8710
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Pam
I know that I shouldn't have done it. But I was in the parking lot at the Quick and Easy.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8711
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Dwight
Oh.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8712
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Pam
And I took a bong hit from my Bong Water with my pimp.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8713
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Dwight
Oh.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8714
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Meredith
Pam said you had something important to tell me. Is it bad? Am I getting fired? Why aren't you telling me? It must be bad. They're taking away my kid. I knew it. They're not taking away my kid. Oh.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8715
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Kelly
Oh, sure, I can definitely help you with that. Okay? Please hold.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8716
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Dwight
Kelly Kapour. Say your prayers. Let's go. Conference room, pronto. Come on, step it up.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8717
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Michael
Drugs are everywhere in our society. They are omniscient. If you look at the amount of pot that was smoked in the United States last year, that would reach the moon.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8718
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Oscar
How?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8719
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Michael
Exactly. I know. It's amazing.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8720
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Oscar
No, how could it reach the moon? Like, would you make it into a rope, or...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8721
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Creed
I have some hemp ropes at my house, they're really strong...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8722
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Michael
Shut... Shut it. No. Just... Just focus on the facts. Cocaine. They use cocaine.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8723
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Dwight
Oh, me? Just one of the gang. Sitting in the back, doodling, not playing attention. Bam! Pow! Surprise! Got you! There's a Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy in your midst, and he is taking names.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8724
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Michael
One thing that you need to remember is that there's no way of knowing who's a user, who's an abuser, because we don't know. It could be anybody. Your instinct is to say it's somebody-like Stanley or Oscar...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8725
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Stanley
Excuse me?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8726
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Michael
No, no! Your instinct. That... Your gut reaction is to say that, but I don't! That's, that's... Those are instincts that have been created by media and hype. And they are wrong. What I am saying is that you just do not know who drug users are. It may be the person you least suspect. It may be somebody hot, like Pam, or it could be somebody matronly, like Phyllis, but just not me.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8727
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Phyllis
It's not me, either.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8728
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Michael
No? okay, fine.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8729
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Jan
Michael, I'm gonna get going. I really don't think I need to be in this meeting.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8730
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Michael
Okay, well, I really think that...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8731
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Pam
Has she been on the phone the whole time?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8732
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Michael
Yeah. Sorry you had to hear that. It was a lovers' quarrel.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8733
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Dwight
Make-up sex. Nice!
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8734
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Kevin
Nice.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8735
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Michael
Okay, let's get personal for a second, shall we?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8736
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Dwight
The scary thing is, it could have been any one of these people. They all had a motive. To get high.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8737
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Michael
Okay, well, I made up some fliers for everybody to take on your way out, in case you're ever tempted. So there you go. And, Dwight, you know, I'm very busy today. It wasn't even planning on going to the bathroom, so I don't even know if anything will come out.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8738
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Dwight
just drink a lot of water.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8739
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Michael
Well...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8740
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Dwight
You have to relax your muscles around the bladder.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8741
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Michael
I don't... Let's just not talk about it, okay?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8742
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Pam
'Drugs: Let's not and say we did.' I think Michael was high when he wrote this.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8743
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Toby
You know, sometimes I wish we just didn't have a conference room. You know? He couldn't do that.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8744
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Kelly
But then we wouldn't have any meetings.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8745
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Toby
Yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8746
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Kelly
Okay. Bye, Toby.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8747
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Toby
Bye.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8748
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Kelly
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God. Hello? Yes, I am so, so sorry. Yeah, actually, I don't have that information just yet. Uh-huh. Listen, do you mind if I put you on a brief hold? Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8749
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Angela
I look forward to drug testing. I used to get a runner's high, which is why now I swim.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8750
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Meredith
Why would I be worried? I'm not a drug user. I would never abuse my body like that. I mean, they are plenty of other ways to have fun. My body is 100% drug-free.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8751
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Pam
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. Um, hold, please. There's a Brenda on the phone for you. Just one second, I'll transfer.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8752
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Jim
[telephone ringing]
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8753
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Man
She's got it up now.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8754
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Sheriff
He'll be up. Okay, sure. I'll get someone down.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8755
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Dwight
Hey. Hey. Jerry.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8756
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Sheriff
Thanks.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8757
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Dwight
Sheriff Pierce? I'm turning in my badge.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8758
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Sheriff
Where sis you get that?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8759
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Dwight
I got it here.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8760
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Sheriff
No. No, you didn't. we didn't give you this.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8761
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Dwight
No, I mean at the gift shop. Also, I can't wear this anymore.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8762
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Sheriff
You were never supposed to wear this in the first place, Dwight. Come on now, seriously, you got me concerned here a little bit.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8763
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Dwight
Oh, don't worry. I never abused my power. I only tried to help the Sheriff's Department in any way I could.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8764
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Sheriff
Right, well... Why don't you give me a couple examples of ways that you've helped us out?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8765
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Dwight
Oh, God, there are so many. Roadside assistance, breaking up unruly parties, surveillance...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8766
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Sheriff
Surveillance?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8767
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Dwight
Crowd control, directing traffic...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8768
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Sheriff
Mace! You... You've been carrying around weapons-grade Mace?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8769
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Dwight
I've only had to use it once.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8770
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Vance Refrigeration Worker #1
We should get a pizza.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8771
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Vance Refrigeration Worker #2
I hate pizza.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8772