Every line from The Office season 2, episode 20, in script order. First aired April 27, 2006.
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Dwight
Kevin Malone, you're next. Spit that out. Spit... Okay, come on, let's go.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8476
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Jim
You look cute today, Dwight.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8477
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Dwight
Thanks, girl.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8478
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Jim
So, yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot. Which is unfortunate because as it turns out, Dwight
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8479
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Dwight
Let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use, shall we? You tell me who this sounds like: slow moving, inattentive, dull, constantly snacking, shows a lack of motivation.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8480
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Kevin
Hey...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8481
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Dwight
I like the people I work with generally, with four exceptions. But someone committed a crime and I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's deputy to make friends. And by the way, I haven't.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8482
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Jim
I enjoy the tangy zip of Miracle Whip.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8483
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Pam
Jim does the best impressions. Sometimes he'll look up at me from his desk and he'll just be someone else. Like he'll go um, that's supposed to be Phyllis. I can't do it as good as he can.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8484
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Kelly
And the guys are saying, chug, chug, chug, but I'm so small and all I'd eaten that day was one of those Auntie Anne pretzels from the food court so I said 'Is it okay if I sip it?' and they said no, but Ryan seemed cool either way.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8485
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Dwight
Stop! This is not Kelly Kapoor story hour. Illegal drugs were consumed on company property, okay? Your ass is on the line, mister! My ass is is on the line! Now I'm going to ask you again. What time did you go home last night?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8486
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Kelly
Six.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8487
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Dwight
I didn't know that you were at a party on Saturday night.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8488
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Ryan
I go to a lot of parties.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8489
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Dwight
Okay, I'm gonna need to search your car. Give me you keys.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8490
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Ryan
I am not giving you my keys.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8491
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Dwight
Don't make me do this the hard way.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8492
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Ryan
What's the hard way?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8493
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Dwight
I go down to the police station on my lunch break. I tell a police officer, I know several, what I suspect you may have in your car. He requests a hearing from a judge and obtains a search warrant, once he has said warrant, he will drive over here, and make you give him the keys to your car, and you will have to obey him.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8494
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Ryan
Yeah, let's do it that way.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8495
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Michael
Ry, is he bugging you? Dwight, dude, you gotta take a chill pill, man. It was one joint in the parking lot. You know, you're totally harshing the office mellow.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8496
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Dwight
I can't stop this investigation. It is my job.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8497
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Jim
Whoa. You are a volunteer.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8498
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Dwight
I volunteered for this job.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8499
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Jim
And that's not the same.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8500
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Dwight
It is my duty...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8501
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Jim
Volunteer duty.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8502
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Dwight
...to investigate the crime scene. I have six more interviews to go and then I will reveal what I know.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8503
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Michael
Narc!
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8504
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Kevin
[giggling]
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8505
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Dwight
If you are attempting to compliment me then you have done a very good job.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8506
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Michael
I wasn't attempting to compliment you.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8507
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Dwight
Well, you have...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8508
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Michael
Uuf, well...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8509
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Dwight
...because being a narc is one of the hardest jobs that you can have...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8510
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Michael
Okay...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8511
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Dwight
...and I am very proud of being a narc.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8512
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Michael
Why don't you just cool it, cool it Dwight, please, God! Dude, where's my office? I totally lost it, 'cause I was half-baked. Smokin' doobies. Doobie brothers, I was smokin' doobies with my brothers. Peace out, Seacrest!
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8513
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Jim
Well, your office is behind you.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8514
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Michael
Thanks. M-m-munchies. Who wants some munchies?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8515
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Ryan
I don't think Michael's ever done drugs. I don't know if anyone has ever offered him any.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8516
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Dwight
Oscar visited Mexico when he was five to attend his great-grandmother's funeral. What does that mean to a United States law enforcement officer? He's a potential drug mule.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8517
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Dwight
Have you ever taken any illegal drugs?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8518
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Oscar
No, I have not.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8519
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Dwight
Do you think it's possible that maybe you could have had some drugs in your system without you knowing about it?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8520
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Oscar
What are you implying?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8521
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Dwight
Have you ever... pooped... a balloon?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8522
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Oscar
Okay. I'm done with this.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8523
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Dwight
He sure left in a hurry.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8524
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Dwight
I don't want to blow this. This is what all good law enforcement officers dream of. The chance to solve an actual crime.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8525
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Dwight
Do you know what this is?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8526
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Phyllis
Yes, it's marijuana.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8527
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Dwight
How do you know that?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8528
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Phyllis
It's labeled.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8529
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Dwight
Dammit.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8530
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Creed
That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8531
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Dwight
No, it's marijuana.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8532
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Jim
I'm just saying that you can't be sure that is wasn't you.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8533
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Dwight
That's ridiculous, of course it wasn't me.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8534
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Jim
Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8535
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Dwight
I would remember.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8536
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Jim
Well, how could you, if it just erased your memory?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8537
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Dwight
That's not how it works.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8538
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Jim
Now how do you know how it works?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8539
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Dwight
Knock it off, okay, I'm interviewing you.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8540
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Jim
No! You said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here. Now exactly how much pot did you smoke?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8541
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Dwight
[opens eyes wide in total surprise]
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8542
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Oscar
So Pam told me that you do a great Stanley impression, I'd love to hear it.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8543
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Jim
Oh, um...Why do you keep CC'ing me on things that have nothing to do with me?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8544
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Stanley
Is that supposed to be me?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8545
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Jim
Oh, hey Stanley. Uh, I was just doing an impression.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8546
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Stanley
I do not think that is funny.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8547
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Pam
He does everyone in the office.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8548
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Stanley
Hmmmpt.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8549
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Pam/Jim
I do not think that is funny.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8550
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Pam
Jinx! Buy me a coke.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8551
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Jim
Oh...
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8552
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Pam
No, no, no, no talking. Jim is not allowed to talk until after he buys me a coke. Those are the rules of jinx, and they are unflinchingly rigid.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8553
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Pam
Sold out? That has never happened in the history of jinx.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8554
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Jim
C'mon!
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8555
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Pam
Sorry, that's not my problem.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8556
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Jim
[presses drink button, looks at camera, makes Jim-face]
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8557
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Dwight
I know you're innocent, but I can't look like I'm treating you any differently.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8558
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Angela
I understand.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8559
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Dwight
Where were you yesterday after work?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8560
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Angela
[smiles knowingly]
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8561
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Michael
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Who's he calling? Ratting somebody out. Narc! Narc! Kevin?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8562
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Kevin
That is so good, Michael
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8563
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Michael
Remember the narc bit? Uh-oh, who's in trouble?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8564
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Dwight
Attention everyone. Drug testers are coming in a couple of hours to test everyone's urine.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8565
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Michael
Waa... what? What are you talking about?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8566
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Dwight
Company policy. If drugs are found on the premises there is automatic drug testing conducted within twenty-four hours.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8567
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Oscar
Is that true, Toby?
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8568
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Toby
Oh, when you sign your job application you agree to comply with random drug testing.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8569
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Michael
Two nights ago, I went to an Alicia Keys concert at the Montage Mountain Performing Arts Center. I scored these great aisle seats. Anyway, after the opening act this beautiful girl sits down next to me and I never get to meet girls with lip rings and she had one. I don't know exactly how this happened but one of her friends started passing around some stuff and they said it was clove cigarettes, and I'm sure that it was clove cigarettes. Everybody in the aisle was doing it.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8570
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Michael
Okay, attention everyone the drug testing has been cancelled. Instead, I will be going around to each of you and doing a visual inspection.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8571
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Dwight
No you can't do that.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8572
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Michael
I can do that, it is my office.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8573
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Dwight
No you cannot. It has to be official, and it
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8574
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Michael
Hmmm. Ha. Alright. Great.
Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8575