Dwight

Kevin, what prescription drugs are you taking, besides Rogaine?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8576

Kevin

I'm not taking Rogaine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8577

Dwight

Angela, what about you?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8578

Angela

I don't take any prescription drugs.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8579

Dwight

You're not on

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8580

Angela

[Gives Dwight a knowing look]

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8581

Dwight

Good.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8582

Kelly

So the first time we went out to dinner, it was like, whatever, fine, but I was so nervous. So this time I wanted to be special, so I bought a new dress! One of those kinds that is kinda low cut at top to show something, but not everything. I mean not everything, Jim. I promise, I'm not that kind of...

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8583

Pam

Hey guys, what's going on?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8584

Kelly

We're having the best conversation.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8585

Pam

Oh, okay. Well, Michael wants to see everyone in the conference room. But you know what? We have a few minutes so you guys should definitely finish up your conversation.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8586

Kelly

So, I was looking so hot...

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8587

Michael

It has come to my attention that some people here think that the use of drugs is something to laugh about.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8588

Phyllis

We don't feel that way.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8589

Angela

No, not at all.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8590

Oscar

You were the one joking around calling Dwight a narc.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8591

Michael

No, uh, no. That was a test. I was testing you, and you all failed. Miserably. When I said that Dwight was a narc, how many of you defended him? How many of you said, 'Hey, you know what, he's right? What he's doing is protecting this office from the evils of drugs.'

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8592

Dwight

Thank you, Michael.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8593

Michael

I am ridiculously anti-drug. So anti-drug that I am above suspicion in any way that involves suspicion, or testing of any kind.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8594

Michael

Drugs ruin lives people. Drugs destroy careers. Take Cheech and Chong everybody knows that Cheech and Chong are funny, but just imagine how funny they would be if they didn't smoke pot. I want everybody to take a look to their left. Now I want everybody to take a look to their right. One of those people will be dead from drug use at some point in their lives. This year more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8595

Stanley

Where did you get these facts?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8596

Michael

Are these facts scaring you, or are they not?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8597

Stanley

They are not.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8598

Michael

Do you think that smoking drugs is cool? Do you think that doing alcohol is cool?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8599

Stanley

No, I don't. I have a glass of red wine with dinner about once a week. For the antioxidants.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8600

Michael

Okay, enough, enough, enough! I have written down a list of illegal drugs. Take a gander. How many of these are you familiar with?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8601

Toby

Hookah is not an illegal drug, Michael.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8602

Michael

Yes it is.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8603

Toby

No it's not. It's a type of pipe. You can fill it with tobacco, often mixed with fruit, or other flavors.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8604

Michael

Okay, you know what, Toby? Pam, can you take this down? In addition to Toby's urine being tested, I would like to test his blood and his hair.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8605

Toby

You can't do that.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8606

Michael

I can test anyone randomly, and I have chosen you randomly.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8607

Toby

That's not random.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8608

Michael

Okay, eeny, meenie, miney, moe, is random. Okay, you know what? I'm going to need a volunteer to select one of these words and tell us of something tragic that happened in either their lives, or the lives of a loved one. Yeah, Pam.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8609

Pam

I know that Jim has an amazing story about a relative of his who got caught up in the world of drugs.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8610

Michael

Really?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8611

Pam

Uh, hmmm.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8612

Michael

Jim it's okay. You can t... This would be a good place to let it out, Jim. These are people you can trust. These are people who care about you. It's okay, just we will not judge you. We are here to not judge you. Oh, he's doing it, okay. It's okay. Oh. Okay, are you sure? That looked like it was going to be good. Alright. Okay, well.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8613

Pam

Wow! He really pulled out the big guns. Fake crying. Did not expect that.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8614

Michael

The point I'm trying to make with all of this people is that I hate drugs. I hate them, and based upon what I have seen you all don't quite hate 'em as much as I do so you are going to have a drug test, and I am not.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8615

Dwight

No, you will be tested.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8616

Michael

Yes, I will not be.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8617

Dwight

You will be. That is the law according to the rules.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8618

Michael

Okay, well Dwight just know that I've been very busy today and I got a lot of work to do and I wasn't planning on going to the bathroom and I don't even know if anything is going to come out, okay? So good. Thank you.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8619

Dwight

Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager. You might remember testing my urine a few years back when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff's deputy.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8620

Linda

We test a lot of urine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8621

Dwight

Mine was green.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8622

Linda

Oh, right. How are you?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8623

Dwight

I'm all better.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8624

Michael

So I need you to do some work on the St. Andrews account. I need your urine. I need some filing done.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8625

Dwight

What kind of filing?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8626

Michael

Just forget it. Just the urine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8627

Dwight

That goes directly to the tester.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8628

Michael

Just. I need your urine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8629

Dwight

Like in a cup?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8630

Michael

Yes in a cup, we're not animals, Dwight.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8631

Dwight

For what purpose?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8632

Michael

It's none of your business.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8633

Dwight

Then I refuse.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8634

Michael

Okay. Alright. Just, I went to an Alicia Keys concert, over the weekend, and I think I may have gotten high accidentally by a girl with a lip ring.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8635

Dwight

Are you serious?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8636

Michael

I need clean urine for the lady.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8637

Dwight

But that's illegal.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8638

Michael

Don't think of it that way. It's like, urine goes all over the place. You know, there's no controlling it. It just... goes

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8639

Dwight

Not my urine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8640

Michael

A cup could find its way under the urine. It might be an accident. It happens.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8641

Dwight

Were you forced to do drugs at this concert?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8642

Michael

No, just look. Look. Just... just fill up the cup.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8643

Angela

Do you want to give Michael your urine?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8644

Dwight

I want him to have all the urine he needs.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8645

Angela

You're not going to get my permission on this.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8646

Dwight

I know that. Don't you think I know that?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8647

Linda

Yeah, we do testing all over the country.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8648

Ryan

Cool. Hey, are you guys hiring?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8649

Linda

You want to work at the urinalysis lab?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8650

Ryan

Yeah. Maybe.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8651

Dwight

My father's name was Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name was Dwight Schrute. His father's name Dwide Schrude. Amish. I loved my father very much. Every morning he'd wake up at dawn and make us biscuits with gravy. When I was little my dad and I played a lot of games together. My dad cheated a lot but I never busted him on it. I would have, except I didn't know about it. He didn't tell me till years later. I was shocked when I found out.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8652

Pam

What? Did you want to tell me something? You look like you want to tell me something. You look like you have something really important to say and you just can't for some reason. Come on, you can tell me. Jim, you can tell me anything.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8653

Kevin

I'd like a magazine.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8654

Linda

We just need urine, sir.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8655

Kevin

I'd still like one.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8656

Michael

Dwight. Well, I passed the test thanks to you and your untainted pee. Thank you very much.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8657

Dwight

That's great.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8658

Michael

What's wrong? Where's your costume?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8659

Dwight

It's a uniform and I turned it in today when I tendered my resignation.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8660

Michael

Why? Wha...

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8661

Dwight

I took an oath when I was sworn in and I broke that oath today.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8662

Pam

Here. Just buy it from me. I haven't talked to you in hours and it's been weird and I really want to know what the hell's going on with Dwight.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8663

Jim

Hi.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8664

Pam

Hey.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8665

Jim

How much time do you have left on your break?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8666

Pam

Ten minutes.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8667

Michael

Since you did such a good job with the investigation, I decided to pull a few strings. Call in a few favors. and I've decided to make you official security supervisor of the branch.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8668

Dwight

Really?

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8669

Michael

Yes, sir.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8670

Dwight

That's fantastic because I've always felt that the security here sucked .

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8671

Michael

So you wanna? Thanks.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8672

Hank Doyle

Dwight K. Schrute, I hereby declare you an honorary voluntary corporal in charge of assisting all activities security.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8673

Michael

Okay.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8674

Hank Doyle

Here's your badge.

Season 2 · Episode 20 · Line 8675

"Drug Testing" Quotes (page 2)