Michael

Oh! This woman came in, sat down, ordered a drink. The bartender asked for her ID which I thought was odd because I pegged her at like 35.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7813

Dwight

Weird.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7814

Michael

Yeah, it was weird. So, she was like 'I don't have my ID, please give me one.' And he was like 'I can't do that. I can't serve you.'

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7815

Dwight

Con artist.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7816

Michael

She might have been. So she says 'Fine. I will go to my room. I will get my purse. I will come back. I'll show you my ID.' She hasn't come back yet. She's probably in her room drinking from the mini-bar! Right?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7817

Michael

Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar stories. So, I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7818

Dwight

My future is so bright, Jim. Jim, do you know how bright my future is? It's so bright that... What? Do you know? Is there something I got to wear? Huh?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7819

Jim

Goggles?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7820

Dwight

[imitating '80s rock]

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7821

Dwight

And what a lot of people don't understand about sales is that it has so much to do with organization. I have a system in place for keeping track of who I speak to, when I speak to them and what we have discussed. Etcetera.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7822

Michael

That's it? You're going to end with 'etcetera'? Okay, what's this big organizational system that...

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7823

Dwight

Well, do you think I should describe our filing system?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7824

Michael

That would be suicide. Never, never talk specifics. Not in a speech. But the fact that you have no idea what to say is, believe it or not, the least of our worries.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7825

Dwight

It is?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7826

Michael

It's your delivery...

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7827

Dwight

What is?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7828

Michael

Our biggest worry.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7829

Dwight

I don't follow.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7830

Michael

My God, Dwight. The best way to learn is by watching. That's why porn is a multi-trillion-dollar industry. Listen. Okay. Sit down, let me wow you.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7831

Dwight

Oh, God!

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7832

Michael

See, I have your attention now, don't I? You're scared, but now you're ready to learn.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7833

Dwight

Well, that didn't go well.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7834

Michael

No, it did not. And that is because at no time did you employ the use of humor. We'll find you a joke that not even you can ruin.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7835

Michael

All right, listen up, please. Dwight has a joke.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7836

Dwight

Stop it. Two sailors walk into a bar...

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7837

Meredith

Please don't tell a sailor joke.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7838

Dwight

Oh, why not?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7839

Phyllis

Her nephew's in Iraq.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7840

Michael

Iraq is sand. Sailors are on water.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7841

Pam

Yes, but they are both in danger.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7842

Michael

Yeah, well, you know what? We need to... All right, everybody in the conference room now. Let's go.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7843

Michael

Who's gonna start. How about Phyllis? You kick us off and then we'll move around. Go ahead.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7844

Phyllis

What are we supposed to talk about?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7845

Michael

Anything your heart desires.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7846

Phyllis

I would like to toast to the good fortune I've been having lately...

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7847

Michael

Louder!

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7848

Phyllis

I, uh, I met a man and I'm totally in love, and that's a chapter of my life that I thought had closed. Uh, I was terribly depressed for the longest time and I have to admit I had some very dark thoughts...

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7849

Michael

Good. Good, good, good. That's good. Now see, that's not so hard, right? All right. Who's next? Who are we going to... Ryan. Ryan's next.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7850

Ryan

Why am I next? I thought we'd go in order?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7851

Michael

Don't be shy, shy boy. Don't be shy. Get up there.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7852

Ryan

Well... A lot of you know that I'm in business school. And while I'm learning a lot here, a lot, hopefully soon I'll land a challenging full-time or part-time position somewhere else.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7853

Dwight

All right.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7854

Stanley

Way to go, Ryan!

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7855

Michael

Stop! Stop! Stop! That's, you know what? The toast is really not supposed to be about anything. It's certainly not supposed to be about going anywhere or doing anything else, so...

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7856

Michael

Ryan is a temp, and that means that he could go at any time. Am I worried about that? Try scared to death.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7857

Ryan

I got the stamps.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7858

Pam

The ones that say 'love' on them?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7859

Ryan

The ones that say '39 cents.'

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7860

Pam

Oh. Doesn't matter.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7861

Ryan

I didn't think it did.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7862

Pam

As soon as they leave, well get Kelly and start.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7863

Ryan

Kelly's helping?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7864

Pam

Is that okay?

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7865

Ryan

Yeah, sure.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7866

Michael

Ghosts. Lots of ghosts in this old Radisson. There it is, Rosebud Room. Memories. Wow, this turnout is pathetic. I packed the house, you know.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7867

Dwight

Oh, no, I don't think this is it.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7868

Michael

Numismatic. Numismatic Collectors. Nope, wrong room.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7869

Michael

Okay. They got sports medicine seminar, nope. Science fiction convention, nope.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7870

Dwight

Oh, yeah, I read about that. The entire cast of Battlestar Galactica is gonna be here, including Starbuck. I'm so in love with her.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7871

Michael

You're weird.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7872

Dwight

No, no, no. It's totally normal, 'cause she's not a Cylon or anything. She's just a great human fighter pilot. If I see her, my heart will explode.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7873

Michael

Are you a 12-year-old girl? I don't know. There we go.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7874

Michael

Ah, look at me. I'm huge in Wilkes-Barre. Performing nightly, Michael Scott. Not comedy fans here, which is fine because not having a sense of humor is just as fine as having one. Questions? Comment? Can't see you, but I know that you're not breathing. I know you're breathing. Is this on? Hello? 'Well, isn't that... Well, isn't that special?' 'Jell-O pudding.' Bill Cosby. I think Bill Cosby said it best when he talked about his brother and all of the fun he... All the great things they did together as kids. And there was the one time when he put the snowball in the freezer, and it... And he waited for five months and then he took the snowball out and he threw it... He would have thrown it at the kid but then his mother had thrown out the snowball so he couldn't throw it. So... Bill Cosby is smoking! And now some race car. That brings me to my... Brings me to a point that you should always have a list of your clients. It's important to because a client list is next to godliness... List. Could you shut him up, please? I mean, who brings a baby to a sales conference? Really rude.

Season 2 · Episode 17 · Line 7875

"Dwight's Speech" Quotes (page 3)