Every line from The Office season 1, episode 5, in script order. First aired April 19, 2005.
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Michael
[to Jim]: Hey, you ready?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1252
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Michael
All right, all right, secret sign. Hey, Ryan. Very good. Excellent, excellent.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1253
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Dwight
Michael!
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1254
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Michael
Today at lunchtime we're going to be playing the warehouse staff at a friendly little game of basketball. My idea. Last time I was down there, I noticed they'd put up a couple of hoops, and I play basketball every weekend. So I thought, 'This might be kinda fun.' And so I started messing around and... I'm sinking a few, you know. Swish, swish, swish. Nothing but net. And their jaws just dropped to the floor. African-Americans! So... you know, it's really just a good friendly game, a reason to get together.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1255
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Michael
Pam, Pam, thank you ma'am. Messages, please. Thank you.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1256
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Dwight
Michael, can I talk to you, please? Privately? In your office? I think I should be on the team.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1257
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Michael
No. And that's not me being mean, Dwight. That is based on your past behavior.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1258
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Dwight
Oh, please.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1259
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Michael
When I let him come to my pick-up game...
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1260
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Dwight
I apologized for that.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1261
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Michael
I vouched for you.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1262
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Dwight
Michael, I...
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1263
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Michael
I vouched for you in front of Todd Packer, Dwight. All right, here's what I'm going to do. The hand strikes and gives a flower. You are not going to play basketball. But I need somebody to come in and take over the holiday and weekend work calendar.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1264
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Dwight
I can handle that.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1265
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Michael
Good. Excellent, it'll be fun. Because corporate, uh, wants someone to be here on Saturday. And so we're going to have to have some people come in on the weekend, and I know nobody's gonna want to do it and I know everybody's gonna complain and bitch and I don't want to have to deal with that.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1266
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Dwight
And that's why you have an assistant regional manager.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1267
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Michael
Yes it is. Assistant to the regional manager.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1268
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Dwight
Same thing.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1269
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Michael
No, it's not. It's lower, so...
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1270
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Dwight
It's close.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1271
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Dwight
So we need someone to work this Saturday and I think that, that should be...Jim.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1272
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Jim
God, this is so sad. This is the smallest amount of power I've ever seen go to someone's head. Phyllis, can you believe this?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1273
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Phyllis
Keep me out of it.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1274
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Pam
My fiance has plans for us this Saturday. So I really hope that Dwight doesn't make me work. Maybe I should sleep with him? I'm kidding, kidding. Totally kidding.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1275
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Michael
All right, managing by walking around. This is our warehouse. Or, as I like to call it, the whorehouse. But don't you call it that, I've earned the right.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1276
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Ryan
Fine, don't worry about that.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1277
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Michael
And here we have 'Mister Roger's Neighborhood.' Come on over here. Hey, this is Ryan. He's temping upstairs.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1278
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Lonny
What's up?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1279
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Michael
And this is the foreman. Mista Ra-jahs.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1280
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Darryl
It's not my real name.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1281
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Michael
No, it's Darryl. Darryl is Mista Ra-jahs.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1282
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Ryan
Darryl Rogers?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1283
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Darryl
Darryl Philbin. Then Regis, then Rege, then Roger, then Mister Rogers.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1284
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Michael
And that is Lonny. And this is Roy. Roy dates Pam. You know, the uh, the best looking one upstairs.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1285
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Ryan
Yeah, yeah.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1286
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Michael
You still getting it regular man? Huh? I mean, I can tell her it's part of the job! Rapport!
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1287
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Pam
No, no, I know that the warranty's expired, but isn't it supposed to last longer than two years if it isn't defective? OK, fine, three years.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1288
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Jim
Pam gets a little down. Her toaster oven broke. Um, which she got at her engagement shower. Um, for a wedding that still has yet to be set... and that was three years ago.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1289
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Michael
So, um, one o'clock sharp and we've got a game on.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1290
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Darryl
We're loading at one.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1291
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Michael
Oh, I see, you're chickening out on me. You're bailing on me.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1292
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Darryl
No, we got a truck going out at 1:15. So, that's the busy time.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1293
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Michael
Oh, well, I'm glad that some time is a busy time because whenever I'm down here it doesn't seem too busy to me. Oh, oh. You can dish it out, but you can't take it. OK, fine, have it your way.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1294
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Darryl
All right, fine, you know what? One o'clock.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1295
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Michael
All right, see you at one.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1296
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Michael
Are we ready for the game?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1297
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Everybody
Yeah.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1298
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Michael
I... yeah, yeah. I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that, uh, dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1299
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Dwight
Gimli.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1300
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Michael
Nerd. That is why you're not on the team.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1301
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Dwight
Just trying to be helpful.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1302
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Michael
Uh, 'I'll help, Elwyn Dragonslayer, uh, ten points, power sword.'
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1303
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Jim
That's him.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1304
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Michael
OK, so, let's put together a starting line-up, shall we? Stanley of course.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1305
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Stanley
I'm sorry?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1306
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Michael
Um, what do you play? Center?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1307
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Stanley
Why 'of course'?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1308
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Michael
Uh...
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1309
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Stanley
What's that supposed to mean?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1310
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Michael
Uh, I don't know. I don't remember saying that.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1311
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Jim
Uh, I heard it.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1312
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Michael
Well, people hear a lot of things, man. Um... other starters... Me, of course. I heard it that time.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1313
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Phyllis
I'd like to play if it's just for fun. I played basketball in school.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1314
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Michael
Um... Yeah. Who else? We have Jim. We have Ryan, the new guy, right? Untested. Willing to prove himself now. A lot of passion, a lot of heart.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1315
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Ryan
But, I'm getting paid to skip lunch?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1316
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Michael
Yes.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1317
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Ryan
OK.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1318
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Michael
Yes, this is business. The, uh, business of team building and morale boosting. Uh, who else?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1319
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Oscar
I can help out, if you need me.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1320
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Michael
I will use your talents come baseball season, my friend. Or if we box.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1321
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Kevin
I have a hoop in my driveway.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1322
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Michael
No.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1323
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Phyllis
I have a sports bra.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1324
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Michael
No, no, ridiculous.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1325
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Dwight
Michael, look.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1326
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Michael
Close. All right, uh... Me, Stan the man, Jim, Ryan and Dwight.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1327
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Dwight
Yes!
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1328
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Michael
Sorry Phyllis.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1329
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Dwight
Can I be team captain?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1330
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Michael
No, I'm team captain.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1331
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Dwight
Can I be team manager?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1332
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Michael
No, I am the team manager. You can be assistant to the team manager.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1333
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Dwight
Assistant team manager?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1334
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Michael
No.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1335
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Dwight
OK, we'll see who's working this weekend then.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1336
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Michael
Jim, you're in charge of the vacation schedule now.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1337
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Jim
Oh my God.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1338
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Michael
Threat neutralized.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1339
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Michael
Off the backboard!
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1340
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Pam
Please don't throw garbage at me.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1341
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Michael
Oh, Pam with a zinger. Hey, Pam, how would you, like to be our cheerleader today? You know, some, ah, pigtails? A little, ah, halter top, you could tie that up. And you know, something a little, just, youthful, for a change. Just this once?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1342
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Pam
I don't think so Michael. Besides, I can't cheer against my fiance.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1343
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Jim
I'll do it. Wear a little flouncey skirt if you want, and...
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1344
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Michael
Yeah, I bet you would. Just try not to be too gay on the court. And by gay I mean, um, you know, not in a homosexual way at all. I mean the uh, you know, like the bad-at-sports way. I think that goes without saying.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1345
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Pam
Maybe Angela would cheerlead.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1346
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Michael
Oh, yeah right.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1347
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Phyllis
I'll do it.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1348
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Michael
Oh, yuck, that's worse than you playing. ... 'Cause we need you as an alternate in case somebody gets hurt. That's where we need you. Blessed be those who sit and wait. You made it, suit up, you're on the team! All right, cool! Very good.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1349
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Michael
Oh-oh. Oh-oh. A spy from the warehouse. Trying to figure out our plays, huh, man?
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1350
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Darryl
Just getting a tea bag.
Season 1 · Episode 5 · Line 1351