Mr. Brown

Those are my instructions from the Corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. The reason I made copies for everyone was so you wouldn't be embarrassed.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 371

Michael

Well, here I am thinking that you actually cared about diversity training. And you don't.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 372

Mr. Brown

Don't worry about dating.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 373

Michael

I won't.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 374

Mr. Brown

OK. Thank you.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 375

Michael

Yeah, yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 376

Michael

I regret my actions. I regret offending my coworkers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness...' Open-mindedness, is that even a word? '...into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed, Daffy Duck.' He's going to lose it when he reads that.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 377

Jim

Yeah, hi. Is Mr. Decker around? Oh, well, could you just have him call me after lunch? Thank you.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 378

Michael

I pledge to always keep an open mind and an open heart.' I do believe... in that part of the pledge I that just read. But a pledge? Come on. I mean who are we, the Girl Scouts? No. Look... the guy, 'Mr. Brown,' he got us halfway there. He got us talking. Well, no. I got us talking. He got us nothing. He insulted us and he abandoned us. You call that diversity training? I don't. Were there any connections between any of us? Did anyone look each other in the eye? Was there any emotion going on? No. Where was the heart? I didn't see any heart. Where was my Oprah moment? OK, get as much done as you can before lunch because, afterward, I'm going to have you all in tears.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 379

Michael

All right? Everybody pretty? Come on. Here we go. It's time. Let's do some good.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 380

Toby

Hey, we're not all going to sit in a circle Indian style are we?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 381

Michael

Get out.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 382

Toby

I'm sorry.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 383

Michael

No, this is not a joke. OK? That was offensive and lame. So double offensive. This is an environment of welcoming and you should just get the hell out of here. OK, let's go. Let's do it. Come on. Let's have some fun, everybody. Here we go. Take a seat. Cop a squat. And um... thanks for coming in. Um... Diversity... is the cornerstone of progress as I've always said. But don't take my word for it. Let's take a look at the tape.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 384

Michael

Hi. I'm Michael Scott. I'm in charge of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products here in Scranton, Pennsylvania but I'm also the founder of Diversity Tomorrow, because today is almost over. Abraham Lincoln once said that, 'If you're a racist, I will attack you with the North.' And those are the principles that I carry with me in the workplace.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 385

Michael

OK. Questions? Comments? Anybody? Jim?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 386

Jim

: Uh, is that it?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 387

Michael

Yes. I only had an hour to put it together but I'm going to add on to it later on.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 388

Kevin

It was kind of hard to hear.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 389

Michael

Uh, yes. That probably had something to do with the camera work. Anybody else? Um...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 390

Kelly

I have a customer meeting.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 391

Michael

Yeah, well, if you leave we'll only have two left. Yes. Enjoy. Absolutely. Namaste. Ok, well since I am leading this, let's get down to business and why don't I just kind of introduce myself, OK? Um. I am Michael and I am part English, Irish, German and Scottish. Sort of a virtual United Nations. But what some of you might not know is that I am also part Native American Indian.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 392

Oscar

What part Native American?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 393

Michael

Two fifteenths.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 394

Oscar

Two fifteenths, that fraction doesn't make any sense.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 395

Michael

Well, you know what, it's kind of hard for me to talk about it. Their suffering. So who else? Let's get this popping. Come on. Who's going? Who's going? Let's go here. Oscar, right here. You're on.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 396

Oscar

OK, Michael, um... Both my parents were born in Mexico.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 397

Michael

Oh, yeah...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 398

Oscar

And, uh, they moved to the United Sates a year before I was born. So I grew up in the United States.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 399

Michael

Wow.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 400

Oscar

My parents were Mexican.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 401

Michael

Wow. That is... That is a great story. That's the American Dream right there, right?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 402

Oscar

Thank... Yeah...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 403

Michael

Um, let me ask you, is there a term besides Mexican that you prefer? Something less offensive?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 404

Oscar

Mexican isn't offensive.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 405

Michael

Well, it has certain connotations.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 406

Oscar

Like what?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 407

Michael

Like... I don't... I don't know.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 408

Oscar

What connotations, Michael? You meant something.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 409

Michael

No. Now, remember that honesty...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 410

Oscar

I'm just curious.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 411

Michael

...empathy, respect... Jim! Jim!

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 412

Jim

Hello? Hello?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 413

Michael

I have something here. I want you to take a card. Put it on your fore... Don't look at the card. I want you to take the card and put it on your forehead and... Take a card, take a card, any card. Um... And I want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. OK? So everybody has a different race. Nobody knows what their race is, so... I want you to really go for it, cause this is real. You know, this isn't just an exercise. This is real life. And... I have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. Get 'er done.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 414

Michael

Why? Because Martin Luther King is a hero of mine. There's this great Chris Rock bit about how streets named after Martin Luther King tend to be more violent. I'm not going to do it but it's...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 415

Michael

Oh this is a good one.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 416

Pam

Um, hi. How are you?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 417

Stanley

Fine. How are you?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 418

Pam

Great.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 419

Michael

Push it.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 420

Stanley

I admire your culture's success in America.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 421

Pam

Thank you.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 422

Michael

Good. Bom bom bom-bom bom. Come on Olympics of Suffering right here. Slavery versus the Holocaust. Come on.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 423

Stanley

Who am I supposed to be?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 424

Michael

No, that was inadvertent. We didn't actually plan that.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 425

Dwight

Lots of cultures eat rice, doesn't help me.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 426

Dwight

Um... Shalom. I'd like to apply for a loan.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 427

Pam

That's nice, Dwight.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 428

Dwight

OK, do me. Something stereotypical so I can get it really quick.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 429

Pam

OK, I like your food.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 430

Dwight

Outback steakhouse. I'm Australian, mate!

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 431

Michael

Pam, come on. 'I like your food.' Come on stir the pot. Stir the melting pot, Pam! Let's do it. Let's get ugly. Let's get real.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 432

Pam

OK. If I have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that I do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 433

Dwight

Oh, man, am I a woman?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 434

Michael

You'll notice I didn't have anybody be an Arab. I thought that would be too explosive. No pun intended. But I just though. 'Too soon for Arabs.' Maybe next year. Um... You know, the ball's in their court.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 435

Jim

What are you watching?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 436

Ryan

Chappelle's Show.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 437

Jim

Really?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 438

Ryan

I downloaded it on her computer. I hope she doesn't mind. She just had a lot of extra space.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 439

Jim

No way. I think she likes this stuff.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 440

Ryan

Great. She's cute, huh?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 441

Jim

Yeah, you know, she's engaged, but...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 442

Ryan

Oh, no, the girl in the... sketch.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 443

Jim

Oh, yeah. She's hot.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 444

Kevin

Hey.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 445

Angela

Hey.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 446

Kevin

You wanna go to the beach?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 447

Angela

Sure.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 448

Kevin

You wanna get high?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 449

Angela

No.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 450

Kevin

I think you do, mon.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 451

Angela

Stop...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 452

Michael

OK. All right. No. It's good. You just need to push it. You need to go a little bit further. All right. OK.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 453

Michael

Kelly, how are you?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 454

Kelly

I just had the longest meeting.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 455

Michael

Oh! Welcome to my convenience store. Would you like some googi googi? I have some very delicious googi, googi, only 99 cents plus tax. Try my googi, googi. Try my googi, googi. Try my googi, googi. Try my...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 456

Michael

All right! All right! Yes! That was great, she gets it! Now she knows what it's like to be a minority.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 457

Jim

Mr. Decker, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? Excellent. OK. Let me just get your... what's that? No, we didn't close last time. I just need your... Oh. W-What code were you given? Oh, OK. That's actually another salesman here. I can redo it if you want to do that. Oh, he gave you a discount? No, I don't blame you.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 458

Michael

I just hated it when that guy was in here. Mr. Brown, if that was his real name. I mean, he had never met any of us before, and here he was telling us how to do our thing. I just wanted... I just wanted to do it our way. You know? On our own. Man I should have gotten some food.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 459

Kevin

[Itialian accent]Maybe some spagh-etti.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 460

Michael

Okay, Kevin. You can take that off that thing, OK? That would really, really have shown him up, wouldn't it? If I'd brought in some burritos or some colored greens. Or some pad Thai. I love pad Thai.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 461

Stanley

It's collard greens.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 462

Michael

What?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 463

Stanley

It's collard greens.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 464

Michael

That doesn't really make sense. Because you don't call them collared people, that's offensive. Hmmm... OK, well, it's after five. So... Thank you very much. Buena vista Oscar. Thank you. Good job. Oh, my man. Thank you Brazil. Nice.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 465

Jim

Um... Hey.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 466

Pam

Mmmm.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 467

Jim

Hey.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 468

Pam

Oh.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 469

Jim

We can go.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Line 470

"Diversity Day" Quotes (page 2)