"Diversity Day" Quotes

Every quote from The Office season 1, episode 2, in script order. First aired March 29, 2005.

297 quotes · page 1 of 3

Michael

Hey, uh, can I help you out in here?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 271
Mr. Brown

Oh, I'm all set, thanks.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 272
Michael

Gotcha. Good. I'd go with the rows. That's a good idea.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 273
Michael

Today is diversity day and someone's going to come in and talk to us about diversity. It's something that I've been pushing, that I've been wanting to push, for a long time and Corporate mandated it. And I never actually talked to Corporate about it. They kind of beat me to the punch, the bastards. But I was going to. And I think it's very important that we have this. I'm very, very excited.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 274
Jim

That's the thing. It's very sturdy paper and on the back it says, '100% post-consumer content.' What? Hello? Uh-huh. Wait. What? I'm sorry, Mr. Decker. I think I'm losing you. Hello? Hello? Yeah. Hold on one second. I don't know. Hold on one second.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 275
Jim

Do you really have to do that right now?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 276
Dwight

Yes I do. I should have done it weeks ago actually.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 277
Jim

Mr. Decker, I'm sorry about that. What were you... Can you hold on one second? Yeah, just one second. Thanks. Hello? That's it. Perfect. So what I was saying... Hello? Thanks, Dwight.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 278
Dwight

Retaliation. Tit for tit.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 279
Jim

That is not the expression.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 280
Dwight

Well, it should be.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 281
Jim

This is my biggest sale of the year. They love me over there for some reason. I'm not really sure why but I make one call over there every year, just to renew their account, and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year, so I buy a mini bottle of champagne, celebrate a little. And this year I'm pushing recycled paper on them for one percent more. I know. I'm getting cocky. Right?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 282
Jim

Solitaire?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 283
Pam

Yeah, Freecell.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 284
Jim

Six on seven.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 285
Pam

I know. I saw that.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 286
Jim

So then, why didn't you do it?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 287
Pam

I'm saving that 'cause I like it when the cards go T-ts-ts-tch-tch-tch.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 288
Jim

Who doesn't love that?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 289
Michael

Hey, Oscar! How are you doing, man?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 290
Oscar

All right.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 291
Michael

Did you have a good weekend going there?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 292
Oscar

It was fine.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 293
Michael

Oh yeah, I bet it was fun. Oh, hey! This is Oscar---

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 294
Oscar

Martinez.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 295
Michael

Right. See? I don't even know, first-name basis!

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 296
Mr. Brown

Great. We're all set.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 297
Michael

Oh hey, well, diversity, everybody, let's do it. Oscar works in... here. Jim, could you wrap it up, please?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 298
Jim

Yeah, uh, Mr. Decker, please.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 299
Michael

It's diversity day, Jim. I wish every day was diversity day.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 300
Jim

You know what? I'm actually going to have to call you back. Thank you. Sorry about that.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 301
Mr. Brown

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Great.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 302
Michael

Come on people, let's get 'em in. Get in the cards! Get in the cards!

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 303
Mr. Brown

Thank you. Thank you very much. OK. Thanks for filling these out and I promise this'll be quick. At Diversity Today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. We believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 304
Michael

You know what? This is a color-free-zone here. Stanley, I don't look at you as another race.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 305
Mr. Brown

Uh, see this is what I'm talking about. We don't have to pretend we're color-blind.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 306
Michael

Exactly, were not...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 307
Mr. Brown

That's fighting ignorance with more ignorance.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 308
Michael

With tolerance.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 309
Mr. Brown

No. With more ignorance.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 310
Michael

Ignorance.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 311
Mr. Brown

Right. Exactly. Uh, instead, we need to celebrate our diversity.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 312
Michael

Let's celebrate.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 313
Mr. Brown

Right. OK.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 314
Michael

Celebrate good times. Come on! Let's celebrate diversity. Right?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 315
Mr. Brown

Yes, exactly. Now here's what we're going to do. I've noticed that...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 316
Michael

You know what? Here's what we're going to do. Why don't we go around and everybody... everybody say a race that you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. Go.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 317
Dwight

I have two. White and Indian.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 318
Mr. Brown

Actually, I'd prefer not to start that way. Michael, I would love to have your permission to run this session. Can I have your permission?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 319
Michael

Yes.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 320
Mr. Brown

Thank you very much. And it would also help me if you were seated.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 321
Michael

OK.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 322
Mr. Brown

Thank you. OK. Now, at the start of the session, I had you all write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. Now, what I'm going to do is choose one and we're going to act it out.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 323
Dwight

A few of the ground rules?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 324
Michael

Hey, hey why don't you run it by me and I'll run it by him.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 325
Dwight

OK, can we steer away from gay people?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 326
Mr. Brown

Um...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 327
Dwight

I'm sorry. It's an orientation. It's not a race. Plus a lot of other races are intolerant of gays, so...paradox.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 328
Mr. Brown

Well, we only have an hour.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 329
Dwight

I figured it would save time.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 330
Michael

OK. Why don't we just defer to Mr...

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 331
Mr. Brown

Mr. Brown.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 332
Michael

Ah. Oh, right! OK. First test. I will not call you that.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 333
Mr. Brown

Well, it's my name. It's not a test. OK? Um, so looking through the cards, I've noticed that many of you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident I was brought in here to respond to. Now, how many of you are familiar with the Chris Rock routine? Very good. OK.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 334
Michael

How come Chris Rock can do a routine and everybody finds it hilarious and ground-breaking and then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to Corporate? Is it because I'm white and Chris is black?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 335
Mr. Brown

So we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 336
Michael

I will play the Chris Rock guy. I would like to see someone else pull this off.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 337
Mr. Brown

Well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenactment.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 338
Michael

OK, I will play guy listening.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 339
Mr. Brown

Great. Guy listening. Ok, anyone else remember?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 340
Kevin

I remember.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 341
Mr. Brown

Great. You're the Chris Rock guy and you're guy listening.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 342
Michael

OK.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 343
Michael

Kevin is a great guy. He's a great accountant. He is not much of an entertainer.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 344
Kevin

Basically, there are two types of black people and black people are actually more racist because they hate the other type of black people. Every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 345
Michael

OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. He's ruin... He's butchering it. Could you just let me... Every time... Every time black people want to have a good time, some ignant ass... I take care of my kid!

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 346
Mr. Brown

Wait a second.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 347
Michael

They always want credit for something they supPOSED to do!

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 348
Mr. Brown

Stop it!

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 349
Michael

What you want a cookie?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 350
Mr. Brown

Now, this is a simple acronym. HERO. Uh, at Diversity Today, we believe it is very easy to be a HERO. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect and open-mindedness.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 351
Dwight

Excuse me, I'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 352
Mr. Brown

Oh, great. Well, what is a hero to you?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 353
Dwight

A hero kills people, people that wish him harm.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 354
Mr. Brown

OK.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 355
Dwight

A hero is part-human and part-supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster that must be avenged.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 356
Mr. Brown

Ok, you're thinking of a superhero.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 357
Dwight

We all have a hero in our heart.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 358
Mr. Brown

Now, I need you to take these forms. This kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. And I need you to look 'em over and sign them as kind of a group pledge.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 359
Michael

I don't think I can sign this.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 360
Mr. Brown

I can't leave until you do.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 361
Michael

Well, OK, it says here that I learned something and I knew all this stuff already, so... I know, I could sign something that says that I taught something, or that I helped you teach something, so... Pam! Where is she? Pam, could we change something on this?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 362
Mr. Brown

Michael, can I talk to you candidly?

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 363
Michael

Sure.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 364
Mr. Brown

We both know that I'm here because of the comments you made.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 365
Michael

Here's the thing. This office, I think this is very advanced in terms of... racial awareness and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. That's probably throwing you off a little bit.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 366
Mr. Brown

Um, it's not throwing me. I need your signature.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 367
Michael

OK, well I know. You told me that several times.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 368
Mr. Brown

Yes, but you're not listening to me. Yours is the only signature I need.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 369
Michael

OK.

Season 1 · Episode 2 · Quote 370