Every quote from The Office season 3, episode 1, in script order. First aired September 21, 2006.
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Michael
Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant lame. And now it means a man, who makes love... to other men.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9589
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Michael
We're all homos! Homosapiens. Gays aren't necessarily who you think they are, people. I mean anybody could be gay. Business-men. Like antique dealers, or hairdressers, or... accountants. Oscar, why don't you take this opportunity to officially come out, to everybody here. However you want to do it. Go ahead. Stand up. I'm doing this for you.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9590
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Oscar
Yes I'm gay. And I didn't plan on sharing that part of my life with you today, so, whatever. Can I sit down now?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9591
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Creed
: I'm not offended by homosexuality. In the sixties I made love to many many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain. And it was possible a man slipped in, and there would be no way of knowing.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9592
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Michael
Who should be the judges and juries of our society?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9593
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Angela
Judges and juries!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9594
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Michael
Yes, that's a good point. She has a good point. Because gay marriage currently is not legal, under U.S. law. I bet a lot of straight men wish that applied to them. So they could go out there and have some torrid unabashed monkey sex as much as they could. You know? Sounds pretty good, right?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9595
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Kevin
: That sounds great.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9596
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Dwight
I think all the other office gays should identify themselves, or I will do it for them.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9597
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Oscar
No one else in this office is gay.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9598
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Dwight
What about Phyllis? She makes absolutely no attempt to be feminine!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9599
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Phyllis
I'm getting married to Bob Vance.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9600
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Michael
That's great. Congratulations Phyllis. That is great, and frankly kiiiiiiiind of amazing! See? Everybody has a chance!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9601
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Michael
But still, Phyllis, in college? Did you ever experiment with other women? A lot of women do!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9602
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Phyllis
No, you knew me in high school. Course, we all thought you were gay in high school.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9603
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Michael
Right! And I take that as a compliment.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9604
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Phyllis
Well with your ties and your matching socks and ---
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9605
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Michael
Well, I just like to look good OK, so ---
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9606
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Oscar
You sound pretty defensive Michael.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9607
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Michael
No, I am just coming out myself. I am coming out hetero!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9608
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Oscar
I think the problem with this office is that
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9609
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Michael
No no no. The only signal that I am sending is:
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9610
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Michael
Look, if I was gay, I would be the most flamboyant gay you have ever seen. I would be leading the parade covered in feathers, and just... I would be waving that rainbow flag.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9611
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Oscar
I don't think I can work here any longer. This has been the worst, most backwards day of my life.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9612
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Michael
You misunderstand-- OK. You know what, OK. I uh, I'm gonna put my money where my mouth is. You ready? I am going to embrace Oscar. You might want to watch this Angela, because you can't catch anything. Here we go. We are going to make a statement. You and I are going to make a statement together. Oscar is my friend ---
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9613
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Oscar
I would rather not.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9614
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Michael
...and I just don't care who sees it, doesn't bother me!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9615
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Oscar
No, NO! I don't want to touch you, ever consider that? You're ignorant, and insulting, and small!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9616
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Michael
All right, um... sorry.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9617
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Oscar
Michael... I'm sorry. That was a good idea. Come on, come on.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9618
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Michael
I'm sorry I called you faggie. You're not faggie. You're a a good guy.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9619
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Dwight
Michael appears to be gay too. And yet he is my friend. I guess I do have a gay friend.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9620
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Michael
[embracing Oscar]You know what, I'm going to raise the stakes. I want you to watch this. And I want you to burn this into your brains. Because this is an image that I want you people to remember for a long time to come. Whenever you come into the office I want you to think about this. I did it. See. I'm still here. We're all still here.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9621
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Michael
Oh come on! Dwight! Come on, man!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9622
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Michael
We are not in the playground anymore. There are new rules. We have to be mature. But we can't lose the spirit of child like wonder. What is love... anyway? Maybe it's supposed to break all the rules. Like me and Jan. Or Oscar... and some guy. Life is short. When two people find each other, what should stand in their way?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9623
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Michael
I am glad that today spurred social change. That's part of my job as regional manager. But you know what? Even if it didn't, at least we put this matter to bed. ...that's what she said. Or he said.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9624
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Michael
Oh, there's Gill. Oscar's roommate. I wonder if he knows?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9625
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Oscar
I was going to quit. But Jan offered me a three month paid vacation and a company car. All I had to do was sign something saying I won't sue. Gill and I are going to Europe. Kids, sometimes it pays to be gay.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9626
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Dwight
'Hope this helps. -Jim' Nice!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9627
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Oscar
What are you doing?!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9628
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Dwight
Shhh. Don't be scared. It works. ...oh no.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9629
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Jan
Okay, what is your goal for after lunch?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9630
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Michael
I will do my job to the best of my abilities.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9631
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Jan
Heaven help us. Specifically.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9632
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Michael
I will do my
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9633
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Jan
Specifically
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9634
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Michael
Specifically, Jan, I will make at least ten phone calls to clients.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9635
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Michael
Yes, I have to begin every day by letting Jan know what I intend to accomplish, and then I have to call her at the end of the day to tell her what I
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9636
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Jan
Are you on the toilet, Michael?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9637
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Michael
No.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9638
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Jan
Well, I know sometimes you are and... that you wouldn't tell me, so I'm just going to assume that you are, and call me back when you're finished.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9639
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Michael
Okay.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9640
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Toby
Michael?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9641
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Michael
[sigh]
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9642
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Michael
Hi, honey. You holding up?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9643
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Pam
Yup.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9644
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Michael
Yeah.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9645
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Pam
I'm... painting my new apartment tonight.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9646
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Michael
Oh, good. By yourself?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9647
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Pam
Yes.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9648
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Michael
Aw. Well, hang in there, okay? You know what? You should get one of this big body pillows. That way you wouldn't miss you-know-who so much.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9649
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Pam
Thanks.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9650
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Michael
Roy.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9651
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Pam
Right.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9652
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Pam
What do I think? I think everybody should stay out of everybody's personal business!
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9653
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Oscar
Yes, I'm gay.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9654
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Meredith
[shocked expression]
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9655
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Meredith
Why are all the best-looking single men always gay?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9656
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Andy
Hey, Big Tuna. You ever Google Google? What do you think would happen?
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9657
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Jim
Let's find out.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9658
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Andy
[makes frustrated noises]
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9659
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Jim
Oh! Lots of results.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9660
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Andy
I didn't mean you should do it. You were supposed to ponder it. It's... You removed the fun. Thanks a lot, Big Tuna.
Season 3 · Episode 1 · Quote 9661