Ryan

Yeah, I'm not a temp anymore. I got Jim's uh, old job. Which means at my 10 year high school reunion it will

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9489

Jim

You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9490

Pam

Me too. ...I think we're just drunk.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9491

Jim

No I'm not drunk. Are you drunk?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9492

Pam

No... Jim---

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9493

Jim

Are you really gonna marry him? ...Ok.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9494

Dwight

Jim is gone. He's gone. I miss him so much. Ooooh I cry myself to sleep, Jim!

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9495

Michael

No! That is the fun of this place. I call everybody 'faggie'. Why would anybody find that offensive?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9496

Toby

OK I think Oscar would just like if you used 'lame' or something like that.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9497

Michael

That's what faggie means!

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9498

Toby

No not really...

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9499

Toby

Apparently you called Oscar 'faggie' for liking the movie Shakespeare in Love more than an action movie.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9500

Michael

It wasn't just an action movie, it was Die Hard!

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9501

Toby

All right Michael, but Oscar's really gay.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9502

Michael

Exactly!

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9503

Toby

I mean for real.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9504

Michael

Yeah, I know.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9505

Toby

No, I mean he's attracted to other men.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9506

Michael

OK, a little too far, crossed the line.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9507

Toby

OK, I am telling you, Oscar is an actual homosexual. Yeah, he told me this morning. And, obviously he hopes he can count on your discretion.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9508

Michael

I would have never called him that if I knew. You don't... You don't call retarded people 'retards'. It's bad taste. You call your friends 'retards' when they're acting retarded. And I consider Oscar a friend.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9509

Michael

Listen man, I am so sorry. I had no idea.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9510

Oscar

No, it's fine.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9511

Michael

No. No it's not. I feel terrible about it. I have been calling people 'faggie' since I was in junior high, and I have never made this mistake. If I don't know how to behave, it is because I am just so far the opposite way, you know? I'm just... I, I can't even imagine... the... thing. Maybe we could go out for a beer sometime. And you could tell me... how... you do that to another dude.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9512

Oscar

That sounds like a great, wonderful idea, let's do that.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9513

Angela

It explains so much.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9514

Oscar

No, I'm not gay. And I don't understand why anyone would think, that I'm gay... if... Uh... yeah I'm gay.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9515

Jim

I can't say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but I can assure that it is certainly not more flammable.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9516

Jim

Why did I transfer to Stamford? I think that's pretty obvious. I got promoted! And you can't beat that view... right?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9517

Andy

Hey, Big Tuna! You're single right?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9518

Jim

Uh-huh, yeah. I am.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9519

Andy

She's pretty hot huh? She's completely crazy. Steer clear Big Tuna. Head for open waters.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9520

Jim

OooOK.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9521

Andy

OooOK.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9522

Jim

I ate a tuna sandwich, on my first day. So, Andy started calling me Big Tuna. ...I don't think any of them actually know my real name.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9523

Andy

Big Tuna is a super ambitious guy, you know? Cut your throat to get ahead kind of guy, but I mean I'm not threatened by him. I went to Cornell, you ever heard of it? I graduated in four years. I never studied once. I was drunk the whole time, and I sang in the acappella group, 'Here Comes Treble.'

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9524

Josh

So, end of day we are going to have a little diversity policy refresher, because of some more problems at the Scranton branch. And I have a list of business startups I got from the chamber. Yes, I am going to need someone to cold call them.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9525

Jim

Oh, I can do that.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9526

Karen

Jim's nice enough. I dont... I don't know how well he's fitting in here. He's always looking at the camera like this. What is that?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9527

Michael

Can you tell who's gay and who's not?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9528

Dwight

Of course.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9529

Michael

What about Oscar?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9530

Dwight

Absolutely not.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9531

Michael

Well, he

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9532

Dwight

Well, he's not dressed in women's clothes, so...

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9533

Michael

There could be others... I need to know. I don't want to offend anybody else.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9534

Dwight

You could assume everyone is, and not say anything offensive.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9535

Michael

Yeah, I'm sure everyone would appreciate me treating them like they were gay.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9536

Michael

Hey, what about Angela? She's hard and severe. She could be a gay woman.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9537

Dwight

I really don't think so.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9538

Michael

I don't know, I can imagine her with another woman, can't you?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9539

Dwight

[creepy smile]

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9540

Michael

Do some research. Find out if there's a way to tell by just looking at them.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9541

Dwight

Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9542

Michael

That's ridiculous.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9543

Dwight

Yeah probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9544

Michael

Let's call him and get the website.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9545

Dwight

Definitely.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9546

Jim

What's gay-dar?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9547

Michael

Well, they're sold out.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9548

Dwight

Damn. I'll try Brookstone.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9549

Jim

I miss that.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9550

Roy

Chicken or fish?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9551

Pam

Chicken.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9552

Roy

So you havin' a good day?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9553

Pam

Excellent, thanks.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9554

Roy

Good, glad. OK.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9555

Pam

Yeah, I didn't go through with the wedding. I got cold feet, a few days before. And I can't really explain it. I just had to get out of that relationship. We still had to pay for all the food. So we froze it. But I'm, I'm doing well. I have my own apartment. I'm taking art classes. And I have lunch for the next five weeks.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9556

Roy

After Pam dumped me, I um, I kinda stopped taking care of myself there, and uh, I hit bottom when uh, drunk driving arrest. I've been working out and um, you know, I'm not gonna take her for granted. I gotta win her back.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9557

Stanley

I got them a toaster. They called off the wedding and gave the toaster back to me. I tried to return the toaster to the store, and they said they no longer sold that kind of toaster. So now my house has got two toasters.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9558

Kelly

That is so cool that you're gay. I totally underestimated you.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9559

Oscar

Yes I'm super cool. I am an accountant at a failing paper supply company, Scranton. Much like, um, sir Ian McClellan.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9560

Angela

Sure, sometimes I watch Will and Grace... and I want to throw up. It's terribly loud. I do like it sometimes when Harry Connick Jr. is on. He's so talented.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9561

Andy

OK. Who put my calculator in Jello? Good one. But uh, seriously, guys who did this? Seriously guys, who did this? I need to know who put my calculator in Jello, or I'm gonna lose MY FRICKIN' MIND!

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9562

Jan

You know, it's amazing to me that in this day and age, you could be so obtuse about sexual orientation.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9563

Michael

I watch the L Word. I watch, Queer as F***, so...

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9564

Jan

That's not what it's called.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9565

Toby

OK, Michael, are you aware that you ousted Oscar today?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9566

Michael

What? What does that even...

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9567

Jan

Coming out, is a significant moment for a gay person, and they should be allowed to select the timing and manner of announcing it.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9568

Michael

Well, gay pride, right? Gay pride parade? It's not like gay... shame festival.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9569

Toby

All right, now Oscar's feeling discriminated against by his co-workers, primarily Angela, and um, that's your fault.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9570

Michael

I think Angela might be gay. Could Oscar and Angela be having a gay affair? Maybe! Is that what this is about?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9571

Jan

NO!

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9572

Michael

I don't kn--

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9573

Jan

No, it's not possible.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9574

Michael

Anything's possible.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9575

Jan

You know, imagine... you were gay.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9576

Michael

Well, I'm not gay Jan, and you should know that better than anybody!

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9577

Jan

Michael, your immaturity is extremely disappointing and may even lead to a lawsuit which is the absolute last thing this company needs right now. Do you understand?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9578

Michael

The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9579

Oscar

Am I the first gay man you ever knew?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9580

Michael

Trick question! Cause you can't always tell, so... how would I know. Is that the right answer?

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9581

Pam

Michael, Dwight's looking at gay pornography on his computer.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9582

Dwight

Uh, Michael knows Pam. He asked me to do this just for him. He has his own reasons.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9583

Michael

Nothing wrong with this stuff. At all. This is fine. You know what. Gay porn, straight porn, it's all goooooood! I don't particularly get into this. But uh, you know what. I totally see the merit! And actually... it is quite beautiful.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9584

Dwight

Ah damn pop-ups.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9585

Oscar

What are you doing?!

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9586

Angela

Watching some of your friends.

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9587

Michael

All right, everybody in the conference room! I don't care if you are gay, or straight, or a lesbian, or overweight! JUST GET IN HERE! RIGHT NOW!

Season 3 · Episode 1 · Line 9588

"Gay Witch Hunt" Quotes