Every line from The Office season 6, episode 13, in script order. First aired January 21, 2010.
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Michael
Dunder Mifflin is about to be sold. But first an investment banker has to drop by and sign off on our branch. And... I'm... pretty nervous about it. And... I'm... making some cosmetic tweaks to help create a more appealing environment. Is that dishonest? Well, think of it this way: when you look in the mirror and you see your push-up bra and your fake eyelashes and your make-up and your press-on nails; the principles that I am applying to the office are the same ones that have made Lady Gaga a star... or any number of drag queens.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34706
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Eric
Hi -
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34707
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Computron
Hello, Eric Ward. Welcome to Dunder Mifflin. I am Computron, your answer to everything.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34708
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Eric
Hello.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34709
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Michael
I see you've met Computron, our virtual helper. I'm Michael Scott. Welcome. Welcome. Computron is just one of the many modern devices that I have incorporated into the office. Watch this. Computron?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34710
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Computron
Yes.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34711
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Michael
What is the world's largest ocean?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34712
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Computron
Calculating. Calculating. Pacific!
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34713
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Michael
Pacific Ocean. Pretty cool, huh?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34714
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Andy
Great news, Michael. We're now the official paper supplier of the NFL.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34715
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Michael
That is fantastic. It's good, but it's not good enough. Keep working. And here's Pam. She's our international sales consultant.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34716
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Pam
Hello.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34717
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Computron
The NFL celebrated its 50th anniversary in 1972.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34718
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Pam
Hola. Bonjour. Ni Hao.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34719
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Pam
It might seem crazy, but since there's no one left in New York, Michael is Dunder Mifflin's highest ranking employee. So, that's where we are.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34720
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Michael
Hello, Stanley.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34721
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Fake Stanley
Hi.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34722
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Pam
For the record? Not on board with fake Stanley... although, I get it.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34723
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Eric
Uh, I just need to check out your warehouse and then talk to your HR guy. That is pretty much the only reason I'm here.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34724
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Michael
Ok. Well, I thought I'd show you around a little bit -
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34725
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Eric
Right.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34726
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Michael
- since you made the trip out. And I got us reservations at Cooper's Seafood. You like lobster? You've had lobster before, right?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34727
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Eric
Yeah.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34728
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Michael
They make the best Maine lobster in the world. You'll love it.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34729
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Computron
Mul Yam in Tel Aviv is better.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34730
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Michael
No, Computron, actually I think Cooper's is the best. You're gonna love it.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34731
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Computron
Are you calling me wrong?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34732
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Michael
Oh, my God.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34733
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Eric
It's called 'due diligence'. Basically, I confirm inventory, take a head count, see if there are any HR liabilities. I'm a glorified fact checker. Actually, I am a fact checker.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34734
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Michael
Alright. Excuse me. If you will -
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34735
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Ryan
Michael, do you think I could get a space heater -
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34736
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Michael
- follow me this way. I'll introduce you to the crack HR rep that you requested. I give you Toby Flenderson. Have fun, you two.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34737
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Dwight
Oh, we will. Have a seat.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34738
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Michael
I left a copy of Best American Mystery Stories 1999 in Toby's favorite stall. So, yes, I think I bought us some time.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34739
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Eric
So, um, the manager, Michael Scott... is a bit of a character.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34740
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Dwight
He has more character in a single flake of his dandruff then you have in that entire snow bank on your shoulder. Wait, what was the question?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34741
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Toby
What are, are you doing at my desk?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34742
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Dwight
Ignore him. He's the local lunatic.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34743
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Toby
Come on, Dwight. Get out of here.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34744
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Dwight
Dwight? Who is this Dwight? Oh! You mean Dwight Schrute, the company's top salesman and the creator of Computron. I wear many hats but the one I'm currently wearing is that of gracious host. Welcome.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34745
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Toby
Sorry. Hey, Toby Flenderson. Nice to meet you. How can I help?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34746
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Eric
Um, are there any outstanding liability issues to be aware of?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34747
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Toby
What do you mean?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34748
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Eric
Well, safety issues, injuries that could leave the company open to potential lawsuits.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34749
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Toby
Um... nothing comes to mind.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34750
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Eric
So, the staff?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34751
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Toby
Mm-hmm.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34752
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Eric
Are people generally happy?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34753
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Toby
Happy's a funny word.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34754
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Eric
In what way?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34755
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Toby
You know, uh, what does it mean to be happy. Keep philosophers busy for awhile.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34756
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Eric
So... generally?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34757
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Toby
Yes.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34758
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Eric
Generally.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34759
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Toby
Generally happy.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34760
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Eric
Generally happy.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34761
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Eric
What about non-safety issues, in terms of liability? Sexual harassment. Anything like that?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34762
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Toby
Oh, I don't know.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34763
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Eric
You, you don't know.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34764
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Toby
I don't know.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34765
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Eric
You're the head of Human Resources.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34766
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Toby
I don't know. No.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34767
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Eric
Ok.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34768
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Toby
I don't know how I'm going to get through this. I don't want to lie and I DON'T want to tell the truth.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34769
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Michael
Hey, Tobes. Whatcha doin'? Whatcha guys talkin' about?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34770
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Toby
Well, Eric's just going over some stuff.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34771
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Michael
Stuff. I love stuff.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34772
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Toby
It's, uh, it's HR stuff.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34773
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Michael
HR stuff? HR Pufnstuf. Right up my alley. What is that? What kind of stuff is that?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34774
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Eric
It's uh, it's a company evaluation form.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34775
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Michael
Ah.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34776
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Eric
Talkin' bout, uh -
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34777
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Michael
Talkin' bout, uh, what?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34778
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Eric
Waste is next.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34779
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Michael
Waste? What does that even mean? Like garbage?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34780
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Eric
No, waste of time and resources.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34781
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Michael
Oh, time and resources.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34782
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Toby
Look, you know, in any company there's going to be certain degrees -
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34783
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Michael
No. No. No. No. No. No. Respectfully, Toby, no. No. This company does not waste time or resources, ever.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34784
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Eric
Is anyone near retirement age?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34785
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Eric
Hey, uh, yeah, I finally got a chance to sit down with HR. So... well, I think I'm gonna be here for awhile.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34786
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Michael
This is a building where friends become lovers and lovers become sexually interactive. Right? Would you agree with that?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34787
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Toby
Michael, this is really inappropriate to talk about.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34788
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Michael
That's, that is true.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34789
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Dwight
Thank you, so much.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34790
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Kevin
Thank you.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34791
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Angela
Thank you.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34792
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Eric
Thank you. It's nice to meet you all.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34793
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Pam
Good to meet you.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34794
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Angela
Have a great day.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34795
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Dwight
Hope to see you soon.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34796
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Kevin
Yeah.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34797
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Michael
I feel very sorry for that banker because he has to evaluate what we are worth. He has to decide what we are capable of and how do you do that? What is Jim capable of... or Pam... or Kevin?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34798
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Michael
I don't care if he goes and files a report and says that we're nothing special because I think our future is very bright. We have only just begun.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34799
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Computron
Computron experiencing emotion.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34800
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Michael
Computron, I'm gonna pull your plug. Ok? Buddy?
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34801
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Computron
Ok.
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34802
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Michael
Just - sh -
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34803
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Computron
Please don't. Computron -
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34804
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Michael
Shut -
Season 6 · Episode 13 · Line 34805