Every quote from The Office season 9, episode 9, in script order. First aired December 6, 2012.
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Pam
That there are no rules.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55170
-
Dwight
You have never been cooler.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55171
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Jim
Best Christmas ever.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55172
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Pam
You're welcome.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55173
-
Jim
Thank you.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55174
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Dwight
And Pennsylvania Dutch Christmas has officially begun.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55175
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Meredith
Ugh. What is this stuff, lava?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55176
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Dwight
That is gluhwein, otherwise known as glow-wine, also used to sterilize medical instruments. And, interesting factoid, this is the very spoon that guided my soft skull through the birth canal when I was born. Enjoy.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55177
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Pam
What is it? Don't touch it.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55178
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Dwight
Somebody's found the hog maw.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55179
-
Pam
Oh!
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55180
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Dwight
What? It's a Pennsylvania Dutch specialty. Hog maw. That's a beauty, isn't it? I don't even want to tell you what it's made of until after you try it.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55181
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Stanley
Ugh. I'm not eating mystery meat.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55182
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Dwight
It is stuffed pig stomach. And, after we finish it, we get to break the pig rib.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55183
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Jim
Can't wait.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55184
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Meredith
Weird. Where are the sugar cookies? Where's the karaoke machine?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55185
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Dwight
This is austere, Meredith. This is celebrating Christmas for all of the right reasons. The cookies and toys and sweets are mere distractions. I mean, most people don't even know that a candy cane represents a Shepherd's Crook, which I assure you does not taste like peppermint. It tastes like sheep feces.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55186
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Oscar
How would anyone even know--
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55187
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Dwight
Have you ever tasted a Shepherd's Crook?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55188
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Jim
I don't know. Is it what you expected?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55189
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Pam
I feel like--Dwight is holding a candle and reading a poem.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55190
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Jim
So happy right now.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55191
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Dwight
Wait, what is that I hear? Is someone on the roof? How strange. Excuse me. I have to run to my car to take a dump.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55192
-
Kevin
I wish my car had a bathroom.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55193
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Pete
Let Heinrich plant the detonators and Theo prepare the vault. After that--'
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55194
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Erin
Eh. That wasn't the line. I'm sorry, Pete.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55195
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Pete
That is transcribed by some fan. They make mistakes.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55196
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Erin
I don't know. This looks pretty legit. Oh, my gosh. I just got an email from Andy. That means they hit land.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55197
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Erin
'What up, shorty? We got in last night, sold the boat, went out, got drunk, saw life of pi, got super depressed and introspective. Gonna hang out here a while. Maybe a couple of weeks. Figure this whole life thing out. Maybe see hobbit. Lates.'
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55198
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Pete
Hey. Everything okay?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55199
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Erin
So what comes next?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55200
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Pete
Right, um, okay. So he says, uh, 'After we call the police, they'll waste hours trying to negotiate--'
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55201
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Erin
We should just watch the movie. That makes much more sense.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55202
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Pete
Or we can just sit and talk, though.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55203
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Erin
No. No more talking. It's movie time.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55204
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Pete
I mean, are you sure...Um, yeah, I probably have a copy or two in my car.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55205
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Erin
Oh, great. Great! So we're watching die hard, now. Good! This is a good plan.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55206
-
Pete
Okay.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55207
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Toby
Here's the thing about moonlight. It's not sunlight.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55208
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Kevin
I love this hog mama.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55209
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Phyllis
Dwight said it's 'Hog maw.'
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55210
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Kevin
What is maw?!
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55211
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Phyllis
It's the lining of the stomach of--
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55212
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Dwight
Ohh...Judgment is nigh, for the belsnickel ist I!
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55213
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Jim
Yes, he is finally nigh.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55214
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Dwight
I am nigh!
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55215
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Dwight
Every year, my grandfather would dress up as belsnickel at Christmas. He was...okay at it. I am great. You know how they say some people were born to be bad? Well, I was born to be belsnickel.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55216
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Dwight
Ooh, belsnickel has traveled from distant lands to discover how all the boys and the girls have been behaving this last year. Whoo hoo HOO hoo hoo! Ohh...Too much strudel.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55217
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Jim
So he's kind of like santa, except dirty and worse.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55218
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Dwight
No, much better--No one fears santa the way they fear belsnickel.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55219
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Jim
Wow! It's my favorite part of Christmas. The authority.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55220
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Pam
And the fear.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55221
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Dwight
Yes, exactly!
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55222
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Phyllis
Come on, Dwight, you're making this up.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55223
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Dwight
No.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55224
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Oscar
This is a real thing. 'Belsnickel is a crotchety, fur-clad gift giver related to other companions of st. Nicholas in the folklore of southwestern Germany.'
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55225
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Angela
Huh.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55226
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Pam
Wow.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55227
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Dwight
Okay, great. Seriously, you guys? Now you believe in Dwight's traditions, when some democrat looks it up on wikipedia?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55228
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Oscar
'His partner, zwarte piet, or black Peter, a slave boy, often portrayed in colorful pantaloons and blackface.'
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55229
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Stanley
Uh-Uh. No, Dwight. No.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55230
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Dwight
Oh, come on. We don't blindly stick to every outmoded aspect of our traditions. Come on, get with the spirit of it, you guys.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55231
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Pete
Okay, Karl was actually a ballet dancer in real life. Isn't that crazy?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55232
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Erin
Mm.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55233
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Darryl
Jim, that guy. You gotta stick to your word! Like when you say something to a buddy, a real buddy...what are you gonna do, lie? To your buddy? It's awful.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55234
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Dwight
Take a bowl and pass it down.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55235
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Phyllis
Thank you, Dwight. These are nice.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55236
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Dwight
No, these are gift bowls. When you recieve a gift, it will go in the bowl, but the bowls must be returned at the end. They're a set. Now, hold your bowls forward. The belsnickel will decide if you are impish or admirable.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55237
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Jim
Oh, it's like naughty or nice.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55238
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Dwight
No, impish or admirable.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55239
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Jim
Quick question--Do you just decide who gets what in the moment, or did you make a list?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55240
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Dwight
I decided earlier.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55241
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Jim
Oh, nice. Did you check that list?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55242
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Dwight
Of course I checked it.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55243
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Jim
But more than once? 'cause you could have made a mistake.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55244
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Dwight
I checked it more than once.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55245
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Jim
Okay, so you made a list, you checked it twice, and now you're gonna find out who's--
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55246
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Dwight
Impish or admirable.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55247
-
Jim
Damn.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55248
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Dwight
Phyllis Vance! Cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year as...admirable. There you are.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55249
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Phyllis
Oh. What are these?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55250
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Dwight
It's a set of rubber gaskets for canning jars.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55251
-
Phyllis
I'd rather have the bowl.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55252
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Dwight
You can't have the bowl! Oscar Martinez, cheer or fear? Belsnickel is here! I judge your year...as impish!
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55253
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Oscar
Ow! You hit people with that thing?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55254
-
Dwight
No, I'm carrying around the stick in order to look cool. For the kinder
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55255
-
Jim
Ooh.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55256
-
Pam
Mouse trap.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55257
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Dwight
In a head-to-head contest, people prefer belsnickel over santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. it was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55258
-
Jim
Oh, you know what? I gotta go.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55259
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Dwight
Stop giggling.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55260
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Pam
Oh, really? Already?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55261
-
Jim
Yeah, it's all right.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55262
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Dwight
It's a punishment. Hey, where are you going?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55263
-
Jim
I have to go to philly. But this was amazing. Okay.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55264
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Dwight
But you work tomorrow.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55265
-
Jim
Yeah, I know, I'd just like to settle in and get a good night's sleep.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55266
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Dwight
But we were gonna break the pig rib.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55267
-
Jim
Ooh.
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55268
-
Dwight
Remember?
Season 9 · Episode 9 · Quote 55269