Dwight

YES! Ha! Prepare to be refuted! Go on.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48030

Archivist

There you go.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48031

Narrator

Families and sweethearts back home waited desperately for letters from the front.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48032

Soldier

Dearest mother I'm sorry it has been so long since my last letter. It is three months since I arrived at Schrute Farms and I fear I may never leave this place alive. Melvin Fifer Garris.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48033

Dwight

Hallowed ground.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48034

Narrator

But the Battle at Schrute Farms was no battle at all. It was a code used by pacifists from both North and South who turned the Pennsylvania farmhouse into an artistic community and a refuge from the war.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48035

Amanda

You have to understand. Poets, artists, dancers ' these kind of men preferred peace to war. These delicate lovely men found a place of refuge among the Schrutes at Schrute Farms. Amidst the macho brutality of war this was a place where dandies and dreamers could put on plays and sing tender ballads and dance in the moonlight. I like to think of Schrute Farms as the Underground Railroad for the sensitive' and well' fabulous.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48036

Oscar

Wow. This is so much better than the story you made up.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48037

Dwight

I've seen enough.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48038

Oscar

You're right. There should be a monument to this.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48039

Kevin

Never trust a cookie with a woman's name. Pecan Sandy. Lorna Doone. Madeline. They'll just break your heart.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48040

Robert

Kevin!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48041

Ryan

Robert I hate to interrupt. But I would love to pitch you one last idea. I call it the Big Mac idea.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48042

Kevin

What?!? No!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48043

Robert

Big Mac idea. That sounds encouraging.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48044

Ryan

It's really, really good Robert. Let me explain.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48045

Kevin

No! This is not fair! This is my idea. He's trying to steal it because he's jealous of me.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48046

Robert

Well what is the idea?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48047

Kevin

Every time you buy a Big Mac you set one ingredient aside. Then at the end of the week you have a free Big Mac. And you love it even more because you made it with your own hands.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48048

Ryan

You know what? Now I remember. That was your idea. That is 100 percent your idea.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48049

Robert

Oh my. It was just actually cookies the whole time?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48050

Andy

Dammit.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48051

Darryl

Hey.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48052

Andy

You guys came. Where's everyone else?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48053

Darryl

Back at the bus. We were locked out. Phyllis is sitting on the ground eating a dirty sandwich.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48054

Andy

Yeah I asked the bus driver to lock it because our stuff was in there. I guess he follows orders.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48055

Jim

Yeah sorry everyone else didn't come. I think they're just tired. With holes in their shoes. And they have dysentery.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48056

Andy

Even without an audience you're still at it.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48057

Jim

What are you talking about?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48058

Andy

Our office has a disease. And it goes by many names. Sarcasm. Snark. Wisecracks. You take things people care about and you make them feel lame about it with your jokes. That's what you did with this trip.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48059

Jim

Andy ' this whole idea of our situation being just like war? It's just not true. We just work at a paper company. And you're our regional manager. And guess what man? You don't have to prove anything. We like you as regional manager. Andy if you don't believe me take a look at what's on my head. I'm wearing a very pink hat. I've been getting weird looks all day because I'm pretty sure 'DM does GB' means something kinda sexual. But guess who's wearing them? All of us. Just for you man. That's huge.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48060

Andy

You don't like the hats?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48061

Jim

They're terrible.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48062

Darryl

I hate myself.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48063

Andy

They just didn't turn out how I wanted. In my head they were cooler, but they do look weird.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48064

Andy

The world will little note, nor long remember the fight Jim and I had here at Gettysburg and that's good because I was basically wrong. I wanted my team to be, like, this army and I was their general. But I guess it's really more like they're just people who work in an office and I'm their manager. Yeah that's really probably a better analogy now that I think about it.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48065

Gabe

Abe and Mary are seated watching the show. Oh Mary this is wonderful' Ok Mary stop your scolding. I'll be quiet. I need her like I need a hole in the head! BANG! Ooh

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48066

Robert

Haha! There he is. You mind lending a hand? I'm typing up a memo to share your ideas with the board.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48067

Kevin

I can do that.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48068

Robert

Great....ok.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48069

Kevin

Your arm feels good on my back.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48070

Kevin

For some reason, my boss is obsessed with cookies. It's not my specialty. My specialty is pizza. But I'm flexible.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48071

Andy

Charge!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48072

Kelly

Isn't Gettysburg like three hours away?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48073

Erin

No. It's like two hours and forty-six minutes.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48074

Andy

It's kind of a haul, so we should probably get going. And tuna, I made a special sandwich for you, guess which kind.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48075

Jim

Tuna?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48076

Andy

Yes! Tuna of the land. Turkey. With pesto.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48077

Jim

And to drink?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48078

Andy

Water.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48079

Jim

Oh-ho, I am in.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48080

Jim

I'm excited, I've actually never been to Gettysburg. Uh, my family was gonna go once, but then my brothers convinced me if was full of dead soldier zombies, so I freaked out and we turned the car around. But I'm older now, I can outrun a zombie.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48081

Andy

Getting everyone on the bus, check. Giving everyone hats, check. Sexiest eastern European girls, uh, check.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48082

Darryl

Hey, Devil's Den is that way, we should check it out. That's where the snipers hid.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48083

Andy

Please! Everyone and their mother goes to Devil's Den. It's the Olive Garden of Gettysburg.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48084

Phyllis

Oh, I like Olive Garden.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48085

Andy

Well, I meant that in a bad way. Obviously it tastes good, but it's not cool.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48086

Jim

Where do all the cool kids go when they come to this consecrated ground?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48087

Andy

That is what I'm showing you.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48088

Dwight

I know what you guys are all thinking right now: Hey, let's go pee on the grave of some confederate soldiers, but you know what? Joke's on you. It only makes the flowers grow back more beautifully.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48089

Dwight

Best thing you can do for the deceased is to pee on their graves. Then you dance and work the urine into the root systems. Doesn't hurt to have a smile on your face, either.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48090

Oscar

Guys! Over here, we found the bus.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48091

Phyllis

Open the door, Jim.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48092

Jim

It's locked.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48093

Phyllis

Are you sure? Yeah, it's locked.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48094

Dwight

It's not locked, gimme that...

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48095

Jim

That's weird, if it's not locked, why isn't it opening?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48096

Dwight

It's, it's latched closed.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48097

Jim

Ok, you know what? Andy probably has the number for this guy. I'm gonna find him.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48098

Darryl

I'll come with you.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48099

Phyllis

Ow! Ee! I sat on my sandwich.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48100

Oscar

And that's how the printing press was invented.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48101

Andy

Everybody beat it. Don't beat it, stay where you are.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48102

Erin

There you are. Dillinger Graphics said their shipment is late.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48103

Andy

What did you say?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48104

Erin

Nothing, I just-

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48105

Andy

What would you say?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48106

Erin

That it'll be the first shipment out today.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48107

Andy

That is exactly the right thing to say! Do it! Git-er-done! Phyllis, you just married Joe Order, you're new name is Phyllis Order, get it?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48108

Phyllis

I don't get it.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48109

Andy

Jim, in regards to our high-five scheduled for four PM today, it has been moved up to now. Yes.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48110

Jim

We didn't have one scheduled.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48111

"Gettysburg" Quotes (page 3)