Dwight

Total deaths belongs to Gettysburg but when you're talking about D.P.A., that's deaths per acre...

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47930

Erin

Mm-hmm.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47931

Dwight

...nothing beats the battle of Schrute Farms.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47932

Erin

Oh. D.P.A. sounds way more important that total deaths.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47933

Dwight

Oh, it is. And you should read some of these letters that the soldiers wrote home. I mean, it makes the battle of Gettysburg sound like a bunch of schoolgirls wrestling over a hairbrush. I'm telling you, they're heartbreaking too. So beautifully written.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47934

Oscar

Dwight, what are you telling this girl?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47935

Dwight

The truth.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47936

Oscar

Stop filling her head with nonsense, okay? She doesn't know any better.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47937

Erin

Oscar, I am so glad you just got here. I would've believed everything he said.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47938

Dwight

No, no, no! You're filling her head with nonsense. You and the history books. I'm telling the truth.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47939

Erin

Interesting.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47940

Dwight

Yes, thank you. All of history has been whitewashed.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47941

Oscar

Really? Why don't you tell us the real history, Gore Vidal?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47942

Dwight

Okay, I will. I don't know who that is, but I'm gonna tell you this-

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47943

Oscar

he's a historian.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47944

Dwight

Gettysburg was very important. Credit where credit is due, okay? Big, mad props to Gettysburg. Was it, however, the most northern battle of the civil war?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47945

Oscar

Yes, yes, yes!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47946

Dwight

Not by a long shot!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47947

Erin

No!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47948

Oscar

Yes!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47949

Dwight

No, it was not!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47950

Oscar

Argh!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47951

Dwight

No, it was not. Was it the second-most northern?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47952

Oscar

What?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47953

Dwight

Sure! I will cede it was the second-most northernmost battle!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47954

Oscar

Erin-

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47955

Dwight

Was it the northernmost? No. Get out of here, Oscar.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47956

Erin

Get out of here!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47957

Robert

I am so eager to hear your game-changers. Let's dig in, shall we?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47958

Ryan

May I go first?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47959

Robert

Absolutely.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47960

Ryan

Raw fish- the disgusting food from Japan that Americans would never want to eat. Now, we can't get enough of it. From movie stars to construction workers, sushi is what's for dinner. Let me throw another idea at you. Origami. What? The crazy art of paper folding from, that's right, Japan. Don't you wish you could go back to 1980 and open the first sushi restaurant in Manhattan? We can do that! With... origami. It's the sushi of paper.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47961

Robert

This idea hasn't gripped me. What else did you come up with?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47962

Ryan

Well I had to memorize the presentation, Robert, and it took a long time to build the swan, so-

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47963

Robert

That was bad.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47964

Stanley

If your woman is like mine, I bet you come home to hear the same thing all the time. This paper is so hard. It scratches. Why can't there be a paper just for me? Well now there is. 'Papyr.' Paper for women. It's pink, scented and silky soft. Now, you can watch the game and she can write a letter to her sister.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47965

Robert

The situation you described, returning home to a wife complaining about her paper being too masculine, is not one I'm familiar with.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47966

Stanley

In the African-American community-

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47967

Robert

No.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47968

Stanley

Thought it was worth a try.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47969

Darryl

That's fascinating. Tell me, what's the significance of the peach orchard, thought?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47970

Park Ranger

Oh, well, that's a great question. Actually some of the most-

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47971

Dwight

Excuse me, I got a question for you.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47972

Park Ranger

Sure.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47973

Dwight

Can you tell us about the battle of Schrute Farms?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47974

Park Ranger

Uh, I haven't heard of that one.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47975

Dwight

Really. Okay, follow-up question. How much are they paying you to keep your mouth shut?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47976

Oscar

I apologize for my friend and for the Republicans who are cutting your funding.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47977

Andy

We don't need to bother this poor gentleman. I know exactly where we're going. Giddy up! Tallyho!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47978

Chelsea

Are you Lincoln?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47979

Gabe

No, no, I'm-

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47980

Gabe

Apparently, I bear a passing resemblance to Abraham Lincoln. Makes it kind of hard for me to go to places like museums, historical monuments, elementary schools... I don't see it. Chelsea's Mom: Chelsea, give Mr. Lincoln your hat so I can take a picture.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47981

Gabe

Okay, Quick.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47982

Man

Hey! Lincoln's starting.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47983

Gabe

Oh, uh, no. No, no, no, no. I'm, uh, I'm actually with a tour group myself, so- Hello! I'm Abraham Lincoln! Some people call me the great emancipator, but, uh, you might know me from the penny.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47984

Pam

Okay. You know the test booklets that they give out in all the schools. I was thinking that we could put a coupon in the back that people would mail in to us... and as, you know, as I tell it, I don't like it. Unless, of course, you are responding to it.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47985

Robert

I am not.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47986

Pam

Um, excuse me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47987

Pam

At this point, when you're this pregnant, it's kind of like senior spring. The other day I spit my gum out on the carpet.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47988

Robert

Kevin, you've been quiet. I'm curious to know what your game-changer is.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47989

Kevin

Well, you know how in the vending machine they have the chocolate chip cookies in the A-1 spot? They do that 'cause they think A-1's the best spot for the best cookie. But the real best spot is D-4. Right? That's where the eyes go. So...

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47990

Robert

Cookies. Cookie placement.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47991

Kevin

Yeah. But not just the cookies, though. That was just a 'for instance.'

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47992

Robert

Who else agrees with Kevin, that we're wasting facilities, manpower, on our underselling products when we should be pushing our top-performers? There you go. Consensus.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47993

Ryan

Okay, we are now on a planet where Kevin is the most creative person around, and I am just some good-looking guy.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47994

Gabe

I just don't understand. It's 1865, victory is ours, I've saved the very soul of our nation, and yet... happiness eludes me. Oh, perhaps a trip to the theater will enliven my spirits.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47995

Audience

No!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47996

Kevin

Kay, so another thing about oatmeal cookies. Who even wants them? I mean, I've seen Toby eat one, like, once, but other than that... like, forget it.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47997

Robert

Interesting. So what is Dunder Mifflin's oatmeal cookie? What is the product that no one wants?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47998

Stanley

how about that two-hole-punch letter? Only the lawyers want that punch at the top and they use legal.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 47999

Robert

That's the oatmeal cookie. Fantastic, Kevin. Fantastic.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48000

Kevin

Thank you.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48001

Jim

By the way, did we leave all the food on the bus?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48002

Andy

Let's talk about food for a second. Food for thought.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48003

Jim

Yeah, that's what I had for breakfast and I think that's probably why I'm still hungry.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48004

Andy

Hunger! Hunger for victory! Hunger for honor. Hunger for pride.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48005

Darryl

Hunger for hamburger.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48006

Erin

Hunger for chicken chimichangas. Right, Darryl?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48007

Darryl

That's good.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48008

Andy

Exactly. Now do you know the Civil War soldiers were hungry for? Pride! Now, each battalion had its own flag and they guarded these flags with their lives. Colonel Harrison Jeffords of the Fourth Michigan Infantry saw his flag being carried away, chased it down with nothing but a sword. Fought tooth and nail at the foot of that flag until he died. He wasn't about to let them have that flag. Pride. Right, guys? I commissioned this flag for Dunder Mifflin. Cost me two hundred dollars.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48009

Jim

Only two hundred dollars?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48010

Andy

We are all branches on this tree. And from the tree comes paper. We're all part of a business. But business is war. What's that I hear? Uh, a rebel paper company is coming to take our flag! Wha- what's going on here? Wee-hoo! Come and get it! Who's gonna get the flag? Who's getting it? Whoa! Hey! Ho! Don't look where I am, look where I'm going. Juke right, juke left.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48011

Darryl

Andy, this is inappropriate. People died here, man.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48012

Andy

Get the flag! Get the flag! Come on, Big Tuna. What you gonna do about it? We got a flag right here. Wee-hoo!

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48013

Andy

Spangler Springs is a mile this way.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48014

Jim

Oh wow. So that's two miles if you incorporate the walk back.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48015

Andy

Its' I mean come on.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48016

Phyllis

I don't think I should walk anymore. You know all I had for breakfast was oatmeal, yogurt, coffee, orange juice and toast. Two poached eggs. And then half a sandwich on the bus.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48017

Andy

Alright fine. You know what ' I guess this place just hasn't rubbed off on you the way I hoped it would. I'm still going. And I'm not going to ask anymore. I'm not even going to look back. I'm just going to assume that you're with me.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48018

Dwight

You said you weren't going to look back.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48019

Robert

And why is Black Rock suddenly the paragon by which all hedge funds must now be compared?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48020

Kevin

I don't know.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48021

Robert

Right. I mean you're an accountant. Those bogus prospectuses must drive you insane.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48022

Kevin

Yes. I am an accountant.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48023

Oscar

Dwight ' this is one of the archivists here. I thought maybe we could consult him.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48024

Dwight

Really?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48025

Oscar

Yeah.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48026

Dwight

Well. Anyone employed by the Gettysburg Industrial Complex is certainly going to want to keep quiet about the Battle of Schrute Farms.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48027

Archivist

Schrute Farms did you say? That is a fascinating little chapter of the Civil War.

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48028

Oscar

You've heard about it?

Season 8 · Episode 8 · Line 48029

"Gettysburg" Quotes (page 2)