Every line from The Office season 2, episode 2, in script order. First aired September 27, 2005.
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Michael
Hey, what's up?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2397
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Jim
Hey.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2398
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Michael
Any emails today?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2399
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Jim
Um... I don't think so.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2400
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Michael
No? Um... Check your spam folder.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2401
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Jim
Oh! There it is!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2402
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Michael
What?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2403
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Jim
Um... 'Fifty signs your priest might be Michael Jackson.'
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2404
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Michael
[laughs uncontrollably]
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2405
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Jim
Well done.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2406
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Michael
Kay.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2407
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Jim
Topical.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2408
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Michael
I am king of forwards. It's how I like to do business, everybody joking around. We're like 'Friends'. I am Chandler and Joey and, uh, Pam is Rachel. And Dwight is Kramer.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2409
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Dwight
So the monkey does the sex thing right here!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2410
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Michael
That's funny! That's funny. Not offensive. Uh... because it's nature. Educational.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2411
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Dwight
Do you want the link because then you could forward it around?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2412
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Michael
Um, I...
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2413
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Dwight
Consider it?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2414
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Michael
Yeah... maybe. Maybe. Well, we'll see. Because I... I don't know if it's... Whup! Come on! Hey!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2415
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Todd Packer
What has two thumbs and likes to bone your Mom? This guy!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2416
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Michael
Kay! Oh, you are so bad! Yeah!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2417
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Todd Packer
[makes laser gun noises]
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2418
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Michael
Oh, Boom! Bam! Oh, this guy is out of control! He is a madman! Better get the bleep button ready for him.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2419
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Todd Packer
bleep, bleep. What's up, Halpert?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2420
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Michael
Uh oh.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2421
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Todd Packer
Still queer?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2422
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Michael
Uh oh! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-o!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2423
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Michael
Todd Packer and I are total BFF. Best Friends Forever. He and I came up together as salesmen. One time, we were out and we met this set of twins. And Packer told them that we were brothers. And so, you know, one thing led to another, and we brought em back to the motel. And then Packer did both of them. It was awesome. So...
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2424
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Michael
Oh-whoa-oh! Oh! Okay. Grade 'A' gossip for you, right now. Randall, CFO, resigned. Nobody knows why.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2425
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Todd Packer
Are you kidding? Everyone knows why! You don't know? Okay, check this out. Al lright. So here's the story. So Randall is nailing his secretary, right? And she is totally incompetent.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2426
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Michael
Really? Here we go! Buckle up. It's going to be a bumpy one!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2427
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Todd Packer
We're talking blonde incompetent.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2428
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Michael
Oh, yeah.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2429
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Todd Packer
Like 10 words a minute... talking.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2430
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Michael
Well, to be fair... blondes, brunettes, you know, there's a lot of dumb people out there.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2431
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Todd Packer
They are women, right?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2432
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Michael
Oh! Wow! I didn't say it! I didn't say it!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2433
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Todd Packer
I said it. And then, suddenly, for no reason, this bimbo blows the whistle on the whole thing just to be a bitch.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2434
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Michael
Oh, wow! What did I tell you about the bleep button.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2435
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Jim
Hey, um... what has two thumbs and hates Todd Packer? This guy!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2436
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Todd Packer
Meant to ask you, can you think you can get someone to drive me around because of the, uh, DUI situation?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2437
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Michael
Oh. Bad boy. Um... Ryan?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2438
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Todd Packer
Come on, kid. Let's go.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2439
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Michael
Ah! Man. That Todd Packer can do anything.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2440
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Jim
Except pass that breathalyzer.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2441
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Ryan
You a big William Hung fan?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2442
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Todd Packer
Why does everyone ask me that? Who the hell is that?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2443
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Kevin's computer
[monkey noises]
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2444
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Jim
I'm really excited to meet your Mom.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2445
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Pam
You are?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2446
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Pam
My Mom is coming in to visit. And she lives like two hours away. And she doesn't have a cell phone... which is cool cause it's kind of adding some suspense to my day. And I keep looking over at the door hoping she'll walk in.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2447
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Pam
I've decided to show her around. She really wants to meet everybody.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2448
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Jim
Oh yeah?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2449
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Pam
mmhmm.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2450
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Jim
Good. Cause I have a lot of questions.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2451
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Pam
Oh really?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2452
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Jim
Yeah. As a child, did Pam show any traits that would hint towards her future career as a receptionist?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2453
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Michael
Hey, send me that link to the monkey sex video. I'm going to forward it like it's hot.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2454
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Dwight
Yes!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2455
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Michael
Forward it like it's hot. Forward it like it's hot. 'Old School'.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2456
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Toby
Michael?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2457
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Michael
Yes, Toby?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2458
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Toby
Um... I need to talk to you in your office. It'll just take two seconds.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2459
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Michael
Um... literally two seconds?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2460
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Michael
Toby is in HR which technically means he works for Corporate. So he's really not a part of our family. Also he's divorced so he's really not a part of his family.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2461
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Toby
The full story is that Randall resigned because of sexual harassment. So Corporate asked me to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2462
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Michael
No, no, Toby. No.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2463
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Toby
It's really not a big deal, Michael.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2464
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Michael
It is a big deal. It's a big deal! What are we supposed to do? Scrutinize every little thing we say and do all day? I mean, come on!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2465
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Toby
And then Corporate is going to send in a lawyer...
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2466
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Michael
What?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2467
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Toby
Just to refresh you... .
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2468
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Michael
NO!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2469
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Toby
on our policy.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2470
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Michael
What? He! No! Okay, what is a lawyer going to come in and tell us? To not send out hilarious emails or not tell jokes?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2471
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Toby
Maybe not some of them. Maybe not inappropriate ones.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2472
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Michael
There is no such thing as an appropriate joke. That's why it's a joke.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2473
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Michael
Everyone! Hello! Everyone. Hi! Sorry to interrupt. I know you're all busy and the last thing you want is for a major interruption. But Toby has an announcement that he insists on making right now in the middle of the day. So, take it away.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2474
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Toby
Yeah, okay. Corporate would like us to do a five minute review of the Company Sexual Harassment policy so I'll go over that later.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2475
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Michael
I wish you luck, Toby. I really do. But you are going to have a mutiny on your hands and I just can't wait to see how you handle it.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2476
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Michael
A guy goes to a five dollar... lady of the night and he gets crabs. So, the next day he goes back to complain. And the woman says 'Hey. It was only five dollars. What did you expect? Lobster?' This is what's at stake.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2477
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Michael
Time to bring out the big guns. I'm heading down to the warehouse where jokes are born. Find a killer joke that'll just blow everybody away at the seminar later. And remind them what is great about this place. So... ah! Here they are. Guys! Wondering if I could, uh, get your help for something. I'm looking for a new joke to tell and it needs to be just killer. And it does not need to be clean. So whatcha got?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2478
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Darryl
Like a joke? A knock-knock joke?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2479
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Michael
Um, yeah, no, well... I mean better. Better than that. The type of stuff you guys tell all day.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2480
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Darryl
Well, those are some awful tight pants you have on. Where'd you get em? Like Queers R Us?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2481
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Roy
Boys R Us!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2482
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Warehouse Guy
Oh!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2483
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Michael
Alright, alright. Well, yeah, but, you know... a joke but not necessarily at my expense.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2484
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Darryl
Man, we can see all your business coming around the corner, okay? You need to, you know, hide the... good thing you don't have a lot of business to start with.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2485
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Michael
Oooh, okay. That was still about me.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2486
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Roy
Hey, hey, hey.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2487
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Michael
What?
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2488
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Roy
So you don't have the biggest package. Don't feel bad.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2489
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Michael
I don't feel bad.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2490
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Darryl
I think he feels bad.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2491
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Michael
No, I don't.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2492
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Roy
You look like you feel bad.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2493
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Michael
Okay.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2494
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Roy
Little package!
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2495
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Michael
Well, not exactly what I was looking for but thanks guys.
Season 2 · Episode 2 · Line 2496