Michael

50 cents, yeah. If you steal a thousand Post-It Notes at 50 cents apiece, and you know, you've made a profit... margin. You're gonna run us out of business, Pam.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 201

Pam

Are you serious?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 202

Michael

Yeah. I am.

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Pam

I can't believe this. I mean I have never even stolen as much as a paperclip and you're firing me.

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Michael

But the best thing about it is that we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. Because that is gross misconduct and... Just clean out your desk. I'm sorry.

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Michael

You been X'd punk! Surprise! It's a joke. We were joking around. See? OK. He was in on it. He was my accomplice. And it was kind of a morale booster thing. And we were showing the new guy around, giving him the feel of the place. So you... God, we totally got you.

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Pam

You're a jerk.

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Michael

I don't know about that.

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Michael

What is the most important thing for a company? Is it the cash flow? Is it the inventory? Nuh-uh. It's the people. The people. My proudest moment here was not when I increased profits by 17% or when I cut expenses without losing a single employee. No, no, no, no, no. It was a young Guatemalan guy. First job in the country, barely spoke English. He came to me, and said, 'Mr. Scott, would you be the godfather of my child?' Wow. Wow. Didn't work out in the end. We had to let him go. He sucked.

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Pam

Hey.

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Jim

Hey.

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Jim

How are things?

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Pam

Good. I thought you were going out for a drink with...

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Jim

Oh no, I just decided not to. How's your headache?

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Pam

It's better, thanks.

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Jim

Good. Good.

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Pam

Yeah.

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Jim

That's great

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Pam

Is...?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 219

Jim

Yeah?

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Pam

Um... Are you...

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Jim

Am I walking out?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 222

Pam

Yes.

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Jim

Yes, I... Do you want to...

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Pam

Yeah.

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Jim

Great. Let me just...

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Jim

Oh, Roy.

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Pam

Yeah. Listen, have a nice weekend.

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Jim

Yeah, definitely. You too. Enjoy it. You know what, just come here.

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Dwight

Dwight Schrute. My father's name, also Dwight Schrute. My grandfather's name, Dweide Schrude, Amish. That's my family. I don't know where they came, the Amish, came from originally. Uh, Amland.

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Michael

Hello. I'm Michael Scott. I'm the best boss in the world.

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Jim

My name is Jim Halpert and I am a sales rep, which is a very important job. Um, without me dozens literally dozens of small businesses would go paperless. They would have to write on their hands, or bed sheets, or who knows you know. Total chaos, total chaos. I mean or they could get their paper somewhere else. Staples maybe. I don't know.

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Michael

Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?

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Pam

I guess.

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Michael

Yeah, at one time or another every guy in the office has sprayed on Pam.

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Pam

What?

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Michael

Messages?

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Dwight

People respond to the human touch and that's what I give them. I can look at a client and I can say, 'Hello, how are you? How's business been going?' And we can go back and forth for sometime and uh, then I'll say, How much, how many reams do you want?' And they'll order it and then I'll take care of all the sales. I'll make sure that they get that paper. And they appreciate that.

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Michael

Ah, right here. Three Stooges. High five. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. Now, who was the one before Curly?

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Ryan

Uh, Shemp.

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Michael

Curly? Very good. Curly Joe DeRita.

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Ryan

Just Curly. Joe DeRita was different.

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Michael

Well, comedy's kinda my thing. Watch this, here's Curly Joe. Mmm. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Oh, I forgot. Here we go. I'm Hitler. Right. Me, me, me, me, me, me. Curly Joe Hitler.

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Michael

All these people are walking around and they're happy and their lives are just going along, ignorance is bliss. But if they knew what was lurking on the other side of that fence that furry monster. 'I'm gonna get you, downsizing.' No. They wouldn't... They'd freak. And I'm not going to play God. They look to me for support. And they look to me for guidance and leadership. And I think if I could lie to them and it serves them, then that's what I'm going to do.

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Michael

So this is our sales staff. They are the ones who are making calls and making us lots of money. This is accounting. The numbers dudes. Do not let the job description fool you, they are all completely crazy. Especially that guy, he is a mental patient. Not literally of course, that wouldn't work. The last place you'd want somebody like that is accounting. 'Very interesting, but stupid.' Artie Johnson. It's a crazy place.

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Angela

My name is Angela and um, I'm in charge of the accounting department. There are three of us, Kevin and Oscar.

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Oscar

It's my job to keep the books in order. And, um, I... I'm, uh, immediately below my supervisor.

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Angela

Oscar, how do I describe him. He's like a stapler. Do I need a stapler? Yes. But, I'm still the one that has to push it down.

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Oscar

There's a lot of anxiety. I don't want to get laid off. This place is like five minutes from my house.

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Kevin

I don't wanna be laid off. This is a good job for me. 'Cause I need my nights free. I'm in a band.

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Angela

Not very worried about downsizing right now. Because, uh, I think you've met Kevin and um...

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Oscar

Can I just say one thing? Um, my friend is Jewish, Art Geller. And a couple of years ago he, um, showed me how you can plant a tree in Israel, so I planted a tree. So... You know 'cause... Yeah we work in paper. Well, you know, I try to give back.

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Angela

I have a lot of cat figurines on my desk. I think cats, really, are old souls. And, uh, Phyllis thinks so too.

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Michael

What you don't know... Well, it can hurt you, but if you don't know it won't hurt you. Then, you can just be happy for a little while at least.

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Michael

What's that?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 255

Pam

Wired.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 256

Michael

Oh, John Belushi. What a crazy guy. Phew, freaked myself out this morning.

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Pam

Oh, yeah.

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Michael

Yeah. I thought I found a lump. I checked the, uh... I check the jewels every month. This time... You know, it's a little different. It was fine. It was fine. But freaky, man, you know. Testicular cancer, God. Cancer, whoa testicles. So... What's, um... What you eating?

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Pam

Smoked turkey.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 260

Michael

Oh, place around the corner. Nice. All right. See you later.

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Michael

Do I need to speak up? Hello.

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Documentary Crew Member

Can you move it out? Can you move it? Is that all right? Can you make that work?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 263

Dwight

That's fine.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Line 264

Documentary Crew Member

No, you don't even need ... That's fine. We'll keep it...

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Dwight

I'm sorry it makes me nervous.

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Documentary Crew Member

Understood, but it is what we need to capture what you're saying as clearly as possible.

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Dwight

I understand. It's in a blind spot because I'm trained in several martial arts and one of them, uh, includes, uh, an awareness that the masters bring, uh, of anything on all sides of you. It could be behind you or whatever. This is directly in a blind spot, so I'm trained to respond negatively to something right above my head. This now I have an eye on. You see, it's on my periphery and if I needed to block it, attack it, stop it somehow. I could come right out. I mean, I know you're doing your job, but... Documentary Crew Member: It's...

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Dwight

I'm doing my job.

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Michael

I think better to be a happy idiot then a, um... Then someone who knows the truth.

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"Pilot" Quotes (page 3)