Pam

Don't we all?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 101

Michael

I'm sorry?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 102

Pam

Nothing.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 103

Michael

If you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with HR. OK. Not today, OK? Pam, just be professional.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 104

Michael

I think I'm a role model here. I think I garner people's respect. Attention all Dunder Mifflin employees, please. We have a meeting in the conference room, ASAP.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 105

Michael

People I respect, heroes of mine, would be Bob Hope... Abraham Lincoln, definitely. Bono. And probably God would be the fourth one. And I just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's really beyond words. It's really incalculable.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 106

Michael

Now I know there's some rumors out there and I just kind of want to set the record straight.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 107

Dwight

I'm Assistant Regional Manager. I should know first.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 108

Michael

Assistant to the Regional Manager.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 109

Dwight

OK, um, can you just tell me please? Just tell me quietly. Can you whisper it in my ear?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 110

Michael

I'm about to tell everybody. I'm just about to tell everybody.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 111

Oscar

Can't you just tell us.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 112

Dwight

Please, OK? Do you want me to tell 'em?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 113

Michael

You don't know what it is.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 114

Dwight

OK. You tell 'em. With my permission. Permission granted.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 115

Michael

I don't need your permission.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 116

Dwight

Go ahead.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 117

Michael

Corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. And Jan is thinking about downsizing either the Stamford branch or this branch.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 118

Ryan

I heard they might be closing this branch down. That's just the rumor going around. This is my first day. I don't really know.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 119

Oscar

Yeah but Michael, what if they downsize here?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 120

Michael

Not gonna happen.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 121

Stanley

It could be out of your hands Michael.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 122

Michael

It won't be out of my hands Stanley, OK. I promise you that.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 123

Stanley

Can you promise that?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 124

Dwight

On his mother's grave.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 125

Michael

No.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 126

Phyllis

What?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 127

Michael

Well, yeah, it is a promise. And frankly, I'm a little insulted that you have to keep asking about it.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 128

Stanley

It's just that we need to know.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 129

Michael

I know. Hold on a second. I think Pam wanted to say something. Pam, you had a look that you wanted to ask a question just then.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 130

Pam

I was in the meeting with Jan and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 131

Man

Are you sure about that?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 132

Michael

Well, Pam maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 133

Dwight

Pam, information is power.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 134

Stanley

You can't say for sure whether it'll be us or them, can you?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 135

Michael

No, Stanley. No, you did not see me in there with her. I said if Corporate wants to come in here and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. Right? You can go mess with Josh's people, but I'm the head of this family, and you ain't gonna be messing with my chillin.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 136

Jim

If I left, what would I do with all this useless information in my head? You know? Tonnage price of manila folders? Um, Pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 137

Pam

Jim said mixed berries? Well, yeah, he's on to me. Um...

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 138

Michael

Watch out for this guy. Dwight Schrute in the building. This is Ryan, the new temp.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 139

Ryan

What's up? Nice to meet you.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 140

Michael

Introduce yourself. Be polite.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 141

Dwight

Dwight Schrute, Assistant Regional Manager.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 142

Michael

Assistant to the Regional Manager. So, uh, Dwight tell him about the kung fu and the car and everything.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 143

Dwight

Uh... yeah I got a '78 280Z. Bought it for $1,200. Fixed it up. It's now worth three grand.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 144

Michael

That's his profit.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 145

Dwight

New engine, new suspension, I got a respray. I've got some photos.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 146

Dwight

Damn it! Jim!

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 147

Michael

OK. Hold on, hold on. The judge is in session. What is the problem here?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 148

Dwight

He put my stuff in Jell-O again.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 149

Pam

[Laughing]

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 150

Dwight

That's real professional thanks. That's the third time and it wasn't funny the first two times either Jim.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 151

Dwight

It's OK here, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. I'm a volunteer Sheriff's Deputy on the weekends. And you cannot screw around there. That's sort of one of the rules.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 152

Michael

What is that?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 153

Dwight

That is my stapler.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 154

Michael

No, no, no. Do not take it out. You have to eat it out of there, because there are starving people in the world which I hate, and it is a waste of that kind of food.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 155

Dwight

OK you know what, you can be a witness. Can you reprimand him?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 156

Jim

How do you know it was me?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 157

Dwight

It's always you. Are you going to discipline him or not?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 158

Michael

Discipline. Kinky! All right, here's the deal you guys. The thing about a practical joke is you have to know when to start and as well as when to stop.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 159

Dwight

Yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 160

Michael

And yeah, Jim this is the time to stop putting Dwight's personal effects into Jell-O.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 161

Jim

OK. Dwight, I'm sorry, because I have always been your biggest flan.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 162

Michael

Nice. That's the way it is around here. It just kind of goes round and round.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 163

Ryan

You should've put him in custardy.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 164

Michael

Hey! Yes! New guy! He scores.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 165

Dwight

OK, that's great. I guess what I'm most concerned with is damage to company property. That's all.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 166

Michael

Pudding. Pudding... I'm trying to think of another dessert to do.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 167

Jim

Do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 168

Pam

Yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 169

Jim

That's why we're all going out. So we can have an end-of-the-week-drink.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 170

Pam

So when are we going out?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 171

Jim

Tonight, hopefully.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 172

Pam

OK. Yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 173

Roy

Hey, man.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 174

Jim

What's going on?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 175

Roy

Hey, baby.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 176

Pam

Hey.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 177

Pam

Roy's my fiance. We've been engaged about three years. We were supposed to get married in September but I think we're gonna get married in the spring.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 178

Pam

Do you mind if I go out for a drink with these guys?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 179

Roy

No, no. Come on. Let's get out of here and go home.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 180

Pam

OK. I'm gonna be a few minutes. So it's only twenty past five. I still have to do my faxes.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 181

Jim

You know what? You should come with us. Because you know we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside the office. I think it could be fun.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 182

Roy

It sounds good. Seriously, we've gotta get going.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 183

Jim

Yeah, yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 184

Jim

Um... What's in the bag?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 185

Roy

Just tell her I'll talk to her later.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 186

Jim

No, definitely. All right, dude. Awesome. Will do.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 187

Jim

Do I think I'll be invited to the wedding?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 188

Michael

So have you felt the vibe yet? We work hard, we play hard. Sometimes we play hard when we should be working hard. Right? I guess the atmosphere that I've created here is that I'm a friend first, and a boss second... and probably an entertainer third. Just a second. Right? Oh, hey do you like The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? Punk'd and all that kind of stuff?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 189

Ryan

Yeah.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 190

Michael

You are gonna be my accomplice. Just go along with it, OK?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 191

Ryan

All right.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 192

Michael

Just follow my lead. Don't pimp me, all right? Come in. So, uh, Corporate just said that I don't want to...

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 193

Pam

You got a fax.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 194

Michael

Oh, thank you. Pam, can you come in here for a sec. Just have a seat. I was gonna call you in anyway. You know Ryan. As you know, there is going to be downsizing. And you have made my life so much easier in that I am going to have to let you go first.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 195

Pam

What? Why?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 196

Michael

Why? Well, theft and stealing.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 197

Pam

Stealing? What am I supposed to have stolen?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 198

Michael

Post-it Notes.

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 199

Pam

Post-it Notes? What are those worth, 50 cents?

Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 200

"Pilot" Quotes (page 2)