Every quote from The Office season 1, episode 1, in script order. First aired March 24, 2005.
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Michael
All right Jim. Your quarterlies look very good. How are things at the library?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 1
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Jim
Oh, I told you. I couldn't close it. So...
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 2
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Michael
So you've come to the master for guidance? Is this what you're saying, grasshopper?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 3
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Jim
Actually, you called me in here, but yeah.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 4
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Michael
All right. Well, let me show you how it's done.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 5
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Michael
Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please. Yes, hello. This is Michael Scott. I am the Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Paper Products. Just wanted to talk to you manager-a-manger. All right. Done deal. Thank you very much, sir. You're a gentleman and a scholar. Oh, I'm sorry. OK. I'm sorry. My mistake. That was a woman I was talking to, so... She had a very low voice. Probably a smoker, so... So that's the way it's done.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 6
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Michael
I've, uh, I've been at Dunder Mifflin for 12 years, the last four as Regional Manager. If you want to come through here... See we have the entire floor. So this is my kingdom, as far as the eye can see. This is our receptionist, Pam. Pam! Pam-Pam! Pam Beesly. Pam has been with us for... forever. Right, Pam?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 7
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Pam
Well. I don't know.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 8
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Michael
If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 9
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Pam
What?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 10
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Michael
Any messages?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 11
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Pam
Uh, yeah. Just a fax.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 12
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Michael
Oh! Pam, this is from Corporate. How many times have I told you? There's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 13
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Pam
You haven't told me.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 14
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Michael
It's called the wastepaper basket! Look at that! Look at that face.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 15
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Michael
People say I am the best boss. They go, 'God we've never worked in a place like this before. You're hilarious.' 'And you get the best out of us.' I think that pretty much sums it up. I found it at Spencer Gifts.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 16
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Dwight
Shall I play for you? Pa rum pump um pum I have no gifts for you. Pa rum pump um pum
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 17
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Jim
My job is to speak to clients on the phone about... uh, quantities and type of copier paper. You know, whether we can supply it to them. Whether they can pay for it. And... I'm boring myself just talking about this.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 18
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Michael
Whassup!
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 19
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Jim
Whassup! I still love that after seven years.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 20
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Michael
Whassup!
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 21
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Dwight
Whassup!
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 22
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Michael
Whass...up!
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 23
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Dwight
Whassup.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 24
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Michael
What?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 25
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Jim
Nothing.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 26
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Michael
OK. All right. See you later.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 27
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Jim
All right. Take care.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 28
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Michael
Back to work.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 29
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Jan
Just before lunch. That would be great.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 30
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Michael
Corporate really doesn't really interfere with me at all. Jan Levinson Gould. Jan, hello. I call her Hillary Rodham Clinton. Right? Not to her face, because... well, not because I'm scared of her. Because I'm not. But, um... Yeah.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 31
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Jan
Alright, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 32
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Michael
Um... Me no get an agenda.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 33
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Jan
What? I'm sorry?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 34
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Michael
I didn't get any agenda.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 35
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Jan
Well, I faxed one over to you this morning.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 36
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Michael
Really? I didn't... Did we get a fax this morning?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 37
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Pam
Uh, yeah, the one...
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 38
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Michael
Why isn't it in my hand? A company runs on efficiency of communication, right? So what's the problem, Pam? Why didn't I get it?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 39
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Pam
You put in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 40
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Michael
Yeah, that was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's, and... It was supposed to be with bills and it doesn't work great with faxes.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 41
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Jan
Do you want to look at mine?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 42
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Michael
Yeah, yeah. Lovely. Thank you.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 43
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Jan
OK. Since the last meeting, Ellen and the board have decided we can't justify a Scranton branch and a Stamford branch.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 44
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Michael
OK...
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 45
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Jan
Michael, don't panic.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 46
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Michael
No, no, no, no, this is good. This is good. This is fine. Excellent.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 47
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Jan
No, no, no, Michael, listen OK. Don't panic. We haven't made... We haven't decided.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 48
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Michael
All the alarm bells are kind of going... ringie-dingie-ding!
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 49
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Jan
I've spoken to Josh in Stamford. I've told him the same as you and it's up to either him or you to convince me that your branch can incorporate the other.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 50
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Michael
OK. No problem.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 51
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Jan
This does, however, mean that there is going to be downsizing.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 52
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Michael
Me no wanna hear that, Jan. Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Josh's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. Or women, present company excluded. Sorry. Uh, is Josh concerned about downsizing himself? Not downsizing himself but is he concerned about downsizing?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 53
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Michael
Question. How long do we have to... Oh uh, Todd Packer, terrific rep. Do you mind if I take it?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 54
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Jan
Go ahead.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 55
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Michael
Packman.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 56
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Todd Packer
Hey, you big queen.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 57
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Michael
Oh, that's not appropriate.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 58
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Todd Packer
Hey, is old Godzillary coming in today?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 59
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Michael
Uh, I don't know what you mean.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 60
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Todd Packer
I've been meaning to ask her one question. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 61
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Michael
Oh, my God! Oh! That's... horrifying. Horrible. Horrible person.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 62
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Jan
So do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 63
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Michael
No, absolutely. Under this regime, it will not leave this office. Like that.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 64
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Phyllis
So what does downsizing actually mean?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 65
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Stanley
Well...
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 66
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Oscar
You guys better update your resumes just like I'm doing.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 67
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Angela
I bet it's gonna be me. Probably gonna be me.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 68
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Kevin
Yeah, it'll be you.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 69
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Pam
I have an important question for you.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 70
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Jim
Yes?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 71
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Pam
Are you going to Angela's cat party on Sunday?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 72
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Jim
Yeah, stop. That is ridiculous.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 73
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Michael
Am I going to tell them? No, I am not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 74
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Michael
Hey.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 75
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Ryan
Hey.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 76
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Pam
This is Mr. Scott.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 77
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Michael
Guilty! Guilty as charged!
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 78
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Ryan
Ryan Howard from the temp agency. Daniqua sent me down to start today.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 79
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Michael
Howard, like Moe Howard. Three Stooges.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 80
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Ryan
Yup.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 81
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Michael
Watch this. This is Moe. Nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck-nyuck. Mee! Ah, right here. Three Stooges. Oh, Pam. It's a guy thing, Pam. I'm sort of a student of comedy. Watch this. Here we go. I'm Hitler. Adolf Hitler.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 82
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Pam
I don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go because then I might... I don't think it's many little girls' dream to be a receptionist. I like to do illustrations. Um... Mostly watercolor. A few oil pencil. Um, Jim thinks they're good.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 83
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Pam
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 84
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Jim
Sure. Mr. Davis, let me call you right back. Yeah, something just came up. Two minutes. Thank you very much. Dwight, what are you doing?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 85
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Dwight
What?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 86
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Jim
What are you doing?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 87
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Dwight
Just clearing my desk. I can't concentrate.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 88
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Jim
It's not on your desk.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 89
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Dwight
It's overlapping. It's all spilling over the edge. One word, two syllables. Demarcation.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 90
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Dwight
You can't do that.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 91
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Jim
Why not?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 92
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Dwight
Safety violation. I could fall and pierce an organ.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 93
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Jim
We'll see. This is why the whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 94
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Dwight
Downsizing?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 95
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Dwight
Downsizing? I have no problem with that. I have been recommending downsizing since I first got here. I even brought it up in my interview. I say, bring it on.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 96
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Pam
You just still have these messages from yesterday.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 97
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Michael
Relax. Everything's under control. Uh, yeah. Yeah. That's important. Right. Oh this is so important, I should run to answer it.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 98
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Pam
What?
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 99
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Michael
Come on. Six-Million Dollar Man! Steve Austin! Actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? Six million dollars? Memo to Jan. I deserve a raise.
Season 1 · Episode 1 · Quote 100